How to Forgive Yourself: Five Ways to Try

Do you know how to forgive yourself?

Feelings of self-doubt can complicate self-forgiveness. How do you know if you’re letting yourself off the hook? Or if you’re not taking responsibility for your actions? Is there a statute of limitations on guilt? If you forgive yourself, does that mean you have no more remorse?

Maybe there are things that you did, excuses you made. Maybe you weren’t a great brother or sister. Maybe you created your own kind of chaos and hurt other people. And now,, you shudder, “How could I have done that? Why did I make such horrible decisions?

 

The voice of narcissism versus the voice of obsession…

There are many people in the world who never take responsibility for their actions. They struggle with narcissism, meaning they’re highly self-absorbed and can be extremely manipulative. They not only let themselves off the hook far too easily, they may blame anyone around them for feeling hurt. The following words, referred to as “The Narcissist’s Prayer,” is funny — unless of course you”re the one who’s meant to take it personally.

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did — you deserved it. 

That’s narcissism all right. There’s tremendous insecurity underneath that relentless barrage of blame, but that doesn’t change the damage done.

Some fortunate individuals have a clear understanding of innate human fallibility which allows them to learn from their mistakes and move on. Others have faith that guides them to forgiveness, both for others and for themselves.

But what if you wake up in the middle of the night and obsess about the smallest of things — everything from what you said at a party to who you slept with in high school to the catty thing you said about a friend five years ago? What if they’re more serious things that you now realize were horrible mistakes?

Especially if you suffer with anxiety or depression, or even more specifically, perfectionism – these thoughts can run you ragged, keep you up at night and stop you from ever having a true sense of self-esteem.

You can never — even in your own mind — live down your past.

Here are five things to try…

1. Choose to be engaged with the present, instead of the past.

A lack of self-forgiveness keeps you rooted in the past.

So guess what? You’re going to miss all of who you could be in this moment, and even rob the people in your life now from having a fully-engaged dad or mom, friend or colleague or spouse.

What a waste of precious time.

2. Learn to tolerate and accept your mistake.

Years ago, I tried to fix a mistake by making another one. I was dating someone who’d been abusive to me. I was ashamed of not getting out, so I married him in order to convince myself (and probably others) that the relationship was fine.

That’s not rational.

Letting go of guilt and shame doesn’t involve relabeling a mistake as not a mistake. It doesn’t mean justifying or rationalizing it. It takes having the integrity to admit you were wrong and tolerating that knowledge.

Your mistake doesn’t define you any more than the choices you’re proud of. We’re all a composite of our mistakes and our successes. Neither completely defines you.

3. Make a choice to let go, not of the responsibility, but of the barrage of guilt and shame. 

There’s a difference between taking responsibility for the hurtful impact your choices made on others, and carrying around guilt for years and years. The first reflects integrity. The second can be self-destructive. And if it turns into shame, where you not only feel guilt, but begin defining yourself as a “bad person,” then you can have a more severe problem.

4. Determine if there’s an action that would be healing. 

Think about if there’s something you can do to help remedy the mistake. If so, act on it after giving it some thought. Remember you can’t fix it — but there may be an action that feels healing.

Perhaps it’s an apology or conversation with a person you wronged. Perhaps it’s recognizing that you need to make some changes in your current life circumstances.

5. Know that you can grow and learn from your mistakes.

“Shame is a helpful emotion if it lasts ten seconds and leads to a change in behavior.” Decide how you want to let an old mistake, or one that you just made yesterday, change the way you behave. And then go for it.

You actually learn far more from mistakes you make than you do successes — if you don’t riddle yourself with shame.

 

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