Why Victims of Domestic Abuse Don’t Leave. An Exercise for Understanding.

,Have you ever wondered why victims of domestic abuse don’t leave?

I’ll tell you a little of my own story and how I began learning and increasing my understanding of why not.

 

My story… 

I was singing jazz at the Fairmont Hotel bar in Dallas; my night would end at 1:00 in the morning, The Battered Women’s Shelter nearby needed someone for the 2:00 – 6:00am crisis intervention line on the Sunday morning shift. I started volunteering to fill the quiet night hours.

Not only did I want to help others, but I’d experienced abuse myself.

It felt like a good fit.

It was then that I began a journey that would change my life forever; I ended not only manning the crisis line, but training other volunteers, and eventually becoming a psychologist. 

Perhaps more importantly, I got to know the women who were living at the shelter.

When I learned why… 

Domestic abuse is a complicated dynamic and one that is far from easy to confront. A victim has had years of being told, “You’re sucha screw-up,” or called vile, demeaning names. You’ve withstood both verbal, physical and sexual attacks, and been manipulated by the seeming sincerity of, “I’m sorry” or, “This time it’ll be different” that so often would follow.

You’ve felt guilty for not leaving the first time the abuse happened. You may even hate yourself for continuing to believe the apologies that come during a “honeymoon” period following an abusive few hours, days, or weeks. And thus, you’ve told yourself, “I’m just as responsible.”

That shame is paralyzing.

But it was each woman’s story that made those reasons real.

I watched as one smart, insightful young girl went back to her husband, children in tow. This man had thrown her out of a pickup truck, going full speed down the highway, breaking her leg in several places. She’d never worked outside of the home and had little to no contact with her family – as that hadn’t been allowed in years. 

“I have nowhere else to go.”

I listened, while men screamed over the phone, “Quit protecting that whore of a wife and tell me where the damn shelter is. I’m coming to get her.” That wife would stay a few days, get a sweet call from the same man, and return home.

“He’s really sorry this time. And promised he’d stop drinking.”

Since then, I’ve worked with other women – who’ve been screamed at and belittled, knocked around, pushed, shoved, slapped, punched, had bones and hearts broken, or raped.

They quietly go about getting things in order. They develop an exit plan. And they leave. But that plan can take month if not years to implement.

I have also worked with men whose partners have spit out terribly cruel words, violently raged against them physically, destroyed meaningful things, lied to police about being the victims themselves, even falsely hurled accusations of child molestation.

These abuse victims may end in a similar emotional place. After years of this kind of treatment, they’ve had it. And they leave.

But how could we could experience why victims of abuse don’t leave?

An exercise in understanding…

Setting the scene…

Here’s an exercise that was meant to help me and other volunteers understand why victims of abuse don’t leave.

(It might be interesting for you to actually try the exercise while reading, no matter what your current or past relationships have looked like.)

“First, write down the three most valuable things in your life. Put them on three separate pieces of paper. It could be your faith, your child or a pet. It could be your integrity or your honesty, a partner or spouse. But it has to be your top three.”

And we would wait a few minutes.

“Now, imagine that you’re on a boat. You’ve been told it’s a safe boat, and you’re traveling a long way. So you have three pieces of luggage with you – symbolized by those three pieces of paper in your hands.”

“But the boat is in trouble. It’s too heavy. Not everyone will survive – unless you throw one piece of luggage overboard.”

Some people would gasp. Some might smile a little nervously.

“So please fold up one piece of paper, and throw it away.”

The reaction…

Different things might happen. Sometimes all would be able to throw at least one piece away. Sometimes, someone would refuse.

“Remember, you’ll be responsible for all these people losing their life – if you don’t throw a piece of luggage overboard.”

When we repeated the same instructions – but for the second piece of luggage – there was usually out and out mutiny.

By the third? Tears. Shock. Demoralization. Rage. Refusal. Submission.

And this was a conceptual guided visualization. Not real life.

Leaving is complicated… 

So, if you leave, you can fear that you’ll lose things that are very dear to you, and for what? Will your life really be better? Or worse? Will your children be safe or in even more danger? Emotions can run extremely deep as you consider how or when.

If you leave, you’ll feel responsible for everyone’s life changing, even the life of your perpetrator, whom you may often still love. You fear (and statistics actually back this fear up) that the abuser may escalate if you leave, and become more violent toward you or toward themselves. You may have acted as a protector or a buffer for the children. What’s going to happen if a divorce occurs, and you aren’t there to protect the kids when they are spending time with the abuser?

Some of you may be in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. If you are, please consider that there’s another way to live.

It’s far, far from easy, but it is possible. 

Vital Links: 

Domestic violence shelters usually run groups that are open to the public. Find out the number for the shelter in your area. Call and attend a group. If you can’t do that, call the local abuse hotline or the National Abuse Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE.

There are many good books on these topics. Here are a couple. For women click here. For men: click here.

 

This was originally published on March 5, 2016; updated and republished on October 13, 2024.