The focus today is on trauma bonds and why they’re so hard to break. If you’ve experienced abuse yourself, please read carefully.
Whether you hear about celebrity abuse in the news or your loved one confides their own story of abuse, you can easily ask, “Why did you stay?” Or “Why are you still in it?”
The solution seems so obvious: get out! But these relationships are full of complexities that can confuse or muddle the “obvious” thing to do. The abused has been riding a rollercoaster of fear and confusion, with hope being constantly reborn only to have it dashed repeatedly.
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My trauma bond story…
I know what it’s like to be the woman who’s keeping her mouth shut, trying to convince others that all is going well – when it’s most decidedly not. I also know that after I was hit and I continued the relationship, I blamed myself, and was too easily convinced that I’d made it happen.
It became my fault. My fault for provoking him, my fault for not understanding him better, my fault for keeping the secret, my fault for staying.
I absorbed that guilt like a sponge. I struggled for years to find my worth while being in a relationship that was highly chaotic, dramatic, and critical. The longer I kept trying to gain his trust and respect, I finally realized that was an unattainable goal. But I kept trying, nonetheless. And I kept trying and failing, which only fed my insecurity.
That very failure further proved (irrationally) that I was to blame. He attempted to grind into me just how imperfect – how less than – I was. It simply seemed as if there was no way out.
My life was not in physical danger; I don’t want to portray that it was. The far greater part of the damage was emotional. I finally realized I was never going to make it right. Ever. And that it was okay to be imperfect. Even to divorce a second time – which held its own sense of shame..
What are trauma bonds?
Years later, I came to understand this dynamic as a trauma bond.
A trauma bond is created when the cycle of abuse is repeated so that the patterns of shame, confusion, hope, uncertainty, and guilt feed on and reinforce one another. Usually there’s a power imbalance in a trauma bond, with the abuser wielding rewards and punishments that keep the abused feeling that the situation is unpredictable and out of their control. Any self-worth can disappear as the cycle continues which – in turn – makes leaving the relationship seem about as possible as deciding to spontaneously levitate.
While my trauma bond ended quite a long time ago, you never forget what it feels like to be her. If you’ve never been that person, please understand that it’s not as simple as just walking away.
Trauma Bonds and Narcissism…
A person with narcissistic traits can display a terribly inflated ego or sense of importance and seems to believe the world should revolve around him; he can be impatient, critical, and lacking in empathy. He blames you for problems despite your repeated attempts to prove otherwise, and can accuse you of maliciously plotting against him. He may frequently threaten to cut you off, and might even follow through at some point. And perhaps the worst — he makes you question your very sanity or logic, tending instead to undermine the way you see or remember things. It’s called “gaslighting” and he may do it on a regular basis as a means of control.
And a trauma bond can be easily created.
But it’s not impossible; it takes some work and isn’t easy to do on your own, but you can walk away. Reach out to others, seek professional help if needed and possible, and know that nobody deserves ridicule, contempt, or disdain. Physical or sexual violence should never be used to control or subdue.
And that no matter what… it is not your fault.
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Originally published on September 14, 2014; updated and republished on May 11, 2025.
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If some women are inspired to leave by the discussion, it’s so worth it. But I think we do have an overactive, 24-hour news media and they have to fill their newshole with all this repetitive stuff. Ithink it does lose its impact over time with talking heads beating it to death over and over. The discussion is important but the repetition is counter-productive.
Carol I think it takes a lot more than television discussions over a weekend for a woman to decide to leave. We do this for everything from Robin Williams suicide to someone being diagnosed with a disease or mental illness. Suddenly it’s the news of the moment. And we go on. Sadly. The very chronicity of the problem is the problem. It goes on and on. It wears on the victim. Thank you for commenting and I understand that vast amounts of sudden attention are too much. Perhaps it’s better than nothing.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. No one is immune to the several forms of abuse that we can experience and continuing to share is absolutely vital for those who are currently in the situation.
When I was in the situation, I had lost my voice and my self worth had dissolved through needing the approval (never coming) of someone I had made ultimately important in my life. Once I was completely emotionally defeated, the simplest moves to regain myself took incredible effort and also the constant reminders of my support group of professional and personal friends. Death seemed better than Life.
Rebuilding myself took creating my own voice in my mind and years of ups and downs as I learned who I was and am. Nine years later, my mind is at peace, I am no longer a victim and I know the red flags to watch for. There is no room for toxic people in my life and happily, they are no longer attracted to me.
Thank you for your story Izzie. I certainly hope that others can have the same or similar outcome. It can be done.
If some women are inspired to leave by the discussion, it’s so worth it. But I think we do have an overactive, 24-hour news media and they have to fill their newshole with all this repetitive stuff. Ithink it does lose its impact over time with talking heads beating it to death over and over. The discussion is important but the repetition is counter-productive.
An important discussion, indeed. Thank you for your post.
Thank you Mindy. I hope so.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. No one is immune to the several forms of abuse that we can experience and continuing to share is absolutely vital for those who are currently in the situation.
When I was in the situation, I had lost my voice and my self worth had dissolved through needing the approval (never coming) of someone I had made ultimately important in my life. Once I was completely emotionally defeated, the simplest moves to regain myself took incredible effort and also the constant reminders of my support group of professional and personal friends. Death seemed better than Life.
Rebuilding myself took creating my own voice in my mind and years of ups and downs as I learned who I was and am. Nine years later, my mind is at peace, I am no longer a victim and I know the red flags to watch for. There is no room for toxic people in my life and happily, they are no longer attracted to me.
“Why are we still talking about this? Is this really newsworthy?”
You nailed it. We will not stop talking about it until it stops. Forever. As always, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story.
Well said. Thanks.
You are welcome. Thanks for commenting
Even after 30 years have passed since I found a way to leave a traumatic life with the father of my children, the question, “Why did you stay so long?” haunts me. A year ago his sister asked me this very question and added a few comments about our family situation. It took me a few minutes to regain my composure and realized I still don’t understand trauma bond quite like you’ve explained it. This does make sense to me…..”makes leaving the relationship seem about as possible as deciding to spontaneously levitate.”
My aging brain health has been challenging these past years. Insomnia, sexual abuse reports in my sister’s family, death and suicide have exhausted my limited energy.
It is such a relief to read your wise words in self therapy and the sharing of experiences with those who need similar encouragement.
I’m so glad it was helpful. Thank you for letting me know. Warmly Dr. M.