When Mom Is Emotionally Unstable. Seven Ways To Heal.
Mom.
For many this word brings with it childhood memories of feeling safe while being tenderly tucked into bed, of band-aids and hugs when you scraped your knee, or of wise advice given when you fell in love for the first time. You watched your mom and learned from her; she was committed to family, friends, work, church, or community…but mostly to you, her child. Her love was unconditional and no matter what life might throw at you as you grew into adulthood, she always provided a safe place to land.
Sadly for others, however, their memories share little resemblance to this ideal Mom.
Instead, your childhood life was fraught with ridicule from your mother. Disdain. Screaming. Accusations. Or eerily quiet hostility. Maybe you could not get out of the line of fire, everything was your fault — or you seemed completely invisible to her.
And sadly, perhaps this dynamic still exists.
Could it be Borderline Personality Disorder?
Your mother may suffer with what is termed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD); these women have a way of relating to self and others that’s intense and unpredictable, often filled with severe mood swings…and actions that match. Yet to others not involved with her on an intimate level, she can look quite normal and highly productive.
As a child, you didn’t know how to feel Perhaps you still don’t.
“I never know what to expect. I don’t trust her. She can suddenly just flip out.”
“She says it didn’t happen, that my memory is wrong and that she knows she’d never do that.”
“I feel so guilty and I can’t confront her, can’t be honest with her. She thinks we’re so close.”
(Quotes taken from the book “Understanding The Borderline Mother,”)
Your bond with your mom is complex and highly complicated. When it’s good, it can be very good. Almost too good. But inevitably, the drama will unfold again; manipulation, neediness, or guilt trips will return – unless she’s sought treatment.
7 Steps to Take If Your Mom’s Emotions Are Unstable
But.. you can also feel that you still desire a relationship with her. You may want her to know your own children, but not to influence them negatively. You have to figure out how to be in the relationship as an adult, not as a child with no power over how the relationship is shaped.
So how do you figure out how to be in her presence and continue to have a relationship with her without being sucked into the vortex of her emotions?
1) Read books that provide strategies.
For borderline personality, “Understanding The Borderline Mother,” is a wonderful resource, as is, “Stop Walking On Eggshells” For understanding narcissism “Lost In The Mirror.” “Disarming The Narcissist” and “Trapped In The Mirror,” are great books.
In reading, you’ll hopefully discover comfort in understanding the behavioral patterns your mom displays are a product of her disordered thinking and lack of emotional regulation. Reading stories of others who’ve experienced similar relationships with their mothers can help you feel less alone; it’s helpful to recognize that it’s not just you.
And they can suggest a direction to take and boundaries to establish.
2) Respond, don’t react, and set appropriate boundaries.
Spend some time considering just how you want to have a relationship with her, what you can rationally expect from her, and how to set boundaries with her. The most fundamental way you can achieve this is by deciding what discussions you’ll participate in, and ones you will not. That will help you have a much greater sense of power and control in your dynamics with her.
If you have a hard time sticking to your decisions and find that you continue to emotionally react with your mother and are unable to stay in control, working with a therapist can be very helpful. They can assist you in identifying what your automatic reactions (triggers) are and help you change them into less reactive ones.
3) Recognize that she may not have the capacity to change. Grieve what you need to grieve.
She may be living a miserable life, but not know or have the insight to change her belief system. She’s even less likely to understand the impact of her behavior on you and others.
Thus, you have to grieve. You may never have the mother-child relationship you desire with her. If your expectations change as you realize she doesn’t have the capacity to make the changes you would love, your own life may be made more calm and less chaotic. In turn this can allow you see what you can enjoy about the relationship as it exists.
And of course, if she begins treatment or talks about considering it, give her lots of support.
4) Have compassion for yourself and look for other supportive, nurturing relationships.
You can find other relationships that can be healing. Perhaps you can turn to the mother of a good friend, an older neighbor, or your mother-in-law for a kind of maternal energy.
Realize that your mother may feel betrayed by this and have great difficulty knowing that you’re growing closer to someone else. A healthier mom would support you having others to support you. If she acts on those “betrayed” or “abandoned” feelings, you need to, once again, set boundaries.
5) Look at what you learned from her, both the positive and the negative.
Your mom may have taught you some good things, which you can truly appreciate.
However, you may have picked up some of her distorted and overly emotional reactions. Maybe she taught you to be unforgiving to friends if they’ve hurt you, even unintentionally. Or perhaps she conditioned you to be suspicious of your partner and to always look for evidence of betrayal, whether you’re on your first date or have been married for decades.
There are many ways your thinking today could be the product of her illness; detecting this is hard to do and requires you taking an objective look at yourself. Freeing yourself from unhealthy thought habits will be liberating for you and allow you to have deeper connections with others.
6) Realize you may have significant anger and choose to work through it.
You can’t go through something like this without anger. And those feelings are likely getting worked out in your other relationships, especially in your primary partnership. Perhaps in a healthy way. Perhaps not.
There are many ways to express anger in a way that moves you through it, and allows you to let it go. You need to find those ways, rather than justifying continued resentment or a sense of victimization. Those reactions will only make your own life unhappy and emotionally stuck.
7) Know that her significant other probably has problems as well.
Whether it’s your biological father, stepfather or someone she has been living with, they may be caught up in the chaos as well. You can stay angry that they’re not “doing anything,” or you can more clearly see their dysfunction as well.
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My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression can be ordered here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with a need for emotional control which camouflages underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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It’s astonishing how much mental illness is out there, but hidden away… so hidden. People dealing with this stuff alone…sad.
You are right Carol – and it’s time for us to start talking about it. So that the people who are affected can get help. Not feel so alone. I so appreciate you commenting.
These are all wonderful tips. Fortunately, I had a kind and loving mother. My dad was pretty strict though and very critical of us, so things weren’t always so easy.
When you get that kind of harsh criticism it makes it very difficult to feel secure in yourself. Whether it comes from Mom or Dad. Thanks Marcia for commenting.
“The rage of the borderline witch is as venomous as the bite of a viper. Her words can be difficult to remember because they are so unexpected and degrading. Her tone of voice conveys her sinister intent. ” (P. 132)
This was the first page I opened into this book, “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson. After those few phrases, I thought the author read my thoughts or perhaps she lived with my mother. The first page was the hook that kept me anchored to reading more of the insight the author had to tell me. Every word grabbed me, at first it unleashed emotions I had kept up inside for a long time.
The accuracy of the description of a witch mother, just gave me this relief feeling. For 23 years, I knew there was something wrong or at least missing in my life; yet I thought the something wrong was me. Through this book, I came to see that I was not the something wrong. However, there was someone who was wrong in my life though…that someone was my mother. Her behavior, personality, moods, and most importantly her actions followed the exact category of a witch mother with borderline personality disorder. By reading journal excerpts of other children and adults who experienced same emotions or memories, I had opened my eyes to a whole new world. My mother was diagnosed with O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression by a physiatrist. However, she never seeked any further treatment or medicine. That was all I knew to be my mother’s issues. My family and I learned to deal with her wrong actions, but we never labeled her as crazy. I suffer and always suffered from a form of depression or anxiety myself, therefore in my mind I was the one at fault. What was wrong with me? I had the emptiness in my life, and searching for why I had that feeling? What was I even searching for to fulfill me? Once I read about the “no-good child”, I figured out some answers to my questions. The borderline witch tends to have the “no-good child” who she gathers others to believe that the child is bad whether those people are friends, family, or even strangers.
I was so excited after reading about the “no good child.” That sounds very strange, but it was all related to myself. I knew how that child felt because I was the “no good child” in my family. I remember how everyone who met my mother would love talking to her and tell me how she seemed like such a nice mom to have. No one seen her while doors were closed in our house. Targeting and cornering the one child against her siblings, creating lies and traps of deceit; that was my witch borderline mother as the book categorized. Never ever would I have thought, there were other children and now adults who experienced what I had felt, heard, and seen. One of the most relieving facts I learned was that currently now there are other adults who were raised by borderline mothers and they have same reaction as I do when they are confronted by their mothers presently. The book shared how the adult will not engage eye contact with the mother and just by hearing their voice after many years of separation they still have the “willies in their stomach.” The fear and anxiety is still present in their veins when they are near their mothers as they are now adults. Up until reading this book, I found myself to be wrong, bad, and empty. There was so much hidden and covered up in my childhood and even now as an adult coming into my identity; I felt so lost. I discovered so much truth through reading this book, and many experiences that were my life. I am researching as a student at Drexel University on people who were raised by mentally ill mothers and how that has affected them and their life. If you would take my survey it would be much appreciated, as I am grateful for finding this treasure of a book. It has revealed to me the many secrets of my childhood and adult life that were hidden far away; including me.
“Children of borderlines keep the true self hidden first from their parents and eventually from themselves.” (p. 224)
Survey link: http://drexel.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_9G48i22MJM9a6vX
“The rage of the borderline witch is as venomous as the bite of a viper. Her words can be difficult to remember because they are so unexpected and degrading. Her tone of voice conveys her sinister intent. ” (P. 132)
This was the first page I opened into this book, “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson. After those few phrases, I thought the author read my thoughts or perhaps she lived with my mother. The first page was the hook that kept me anchored to reading more of the insight the author had to tell me. Every word grabbed me, at first it unleashed emotions I had kept up inside for a long time.
The accuracy of the description of a witch mother, just gave me this relief feeling. For 23 years, I knew there was something wrong or at least missing in my life; yet I thought the something wrong was me. Through this book, I came to see that I was not the something wrong. However, there was someone who was wrong in my life though…that someone was my mother. Her behavior, personality, moods, and most importantly her actions followed the exact category of a witch mother with borderline personality disorder. By reading journal excerpts of other children and adults who experienced same emotions or memories, I had opened my eyes to a whole new world. My mother was diagnosed with O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression by a physiatrist. However, she never seeked any further treatment or medicine. That was all I knew to be my mother’s issues. My family and I learned to deal with her wrong actions, but we never labeled her as crazy. I suffer and always suffered from a form of depression or anxiety myself, therefore in my mind I was the one at fault. What was wrong with me? I had the emptiness in my life, and searching for why I had that feeling? What was I even searching for to fulfill me? Once I read about the “no-good child”, I figured out some answers to my questions. The borderline witch tends to have the “no-good child” who she gathers others to believe that the child is bad whether those people are friends, family, or even strangers.
I was so excited after reading about the “no good child.” That sounds very strange, but it was all related to myself. I knew how that child felt because I was the “no good child” in my family. I remember how everyone who met my mother would love talking to her and tell me how she seemed like such a nice mom to have. No one seen her while doors were closed in our house. Targeting and cornering the one child against her siblings, creating lies and traps of deceit; that was my witch borderline mother as the book categorized. Never ever would I have thought, there were other children and now adults who experienced what I had felt, heard, and seen. One of the most relieving facts I learned was that currently now there are other adults who were raised by borderline mothers and they have same reaction as I do when they are confronted by their mothers presently. The book shared how the adult will not engage eye contact with the mother and just by hearing their voice after many years of separation they still have the “willies in their stomach.” The fear and anxiety is still present in their veins when they are near their mothers as they are now adults. Up until reading this book, I found myself to be wrong, bad, and empty. There was so much hidden and covered up in my childhood and even now as an adult coming into my identity; I felt so lost. I discovered so much truth through reading this book, and many experiences that were my life. I am researching as a student at Drexel University on people who were raised by mentally ill mothers and how that has affected them and their life. If you would take my survey it would be much appreciated, as I am grateful for finding this treasure of a book. It has revealed to me the many secrets of my childhood and adult life that were hidden far away; including me.
“Children of borderlines keep the true self hidden first from their parents and eventually from themselves.” (p. 224)
Survey link: http://drexel.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_9G48i22MJM9a6vX
Thank you for sharing this Marina. I am so glad you found the book. I have given it to many and I know it can be helpful. I hope you continue healing.
This is so my mother it’s eye watering. I have my own daughter now. I also fell in love with a narcissistic bipolar man in the shape of my daughters father, I left that relationship and now it is very much just me and my girl. I literally cannot be in either of their lives, and the pair of them have nearly broken me so many times. The memories and nightmares still haunt me but what scares me the most is that I don’t pass on anything to my little girl that I picked up in these dysfunctional relationships. It’s especially hard when you are raising a little girl single-handedly. I know that I am a good mum most of the time, but now and then I get flashes of anger that I have to try SO HARD to keep under wraps. The part in the article about how your mother won’t recognise she has a problem is so true and so sad. Her father had the same personality disorder and he killed himself when my mother was 25. And then my mothers partner killed himself 3 years ago too. Mental illness is horrifying.
All mental illness is tough. This particular mental illness, at its worst, can be horrific for the person who has it, but certainly for those that are on the receiving end of rage and complete disdain. I hope you have some safe place to address/express that anger that wants to pop up — a therapeutic relationship, a really good friend. That would be important in order for it not to seep into your behavior, and not set you up for depression yourself. Thanks for writing. I’m sad that you, and many like you, recognize yourself and your mother, in this way.
My mother is constantly telling me that I hate, despise and resent her. She often demands a list of what she did wrong for me to feel this was so that she can defend herself. I tell her repeatedly that I do not feel this way and that these are her thoughts not mine, but there is no rationalizing with her. I am to the point now of distancing myself to protect myself.
Sometimes that can certainly be the case Christin — and of course, will prove to your mother that she has been “right” the whole time. It’s painful that you have to distance yourself from your own mother or parents for protection, but setting boundaries like that can also act to clarity — asking your mother to experience more tangible consequences for her irrationality. Know she may escalate, however. Thanks so much for commenting and good luck.
My mother has BPD I found out with the help of my therapist after 36 years. She ruined my life and is still doing it. The problem is she is the only person I have on this whole planet. But she kept me from improving in life and ruined every marriage opportunity I had. I’m so alone and sad. I have FM and am always tired. The worst part is that I’m still financially dependent on her. I seriously don’t know what to do. Maybe someday some miracle happens and makes me able to stand on my own feet and get rid of her for good.
Hello Sanaz. I’m afraid those kinds of miracles are few and far between. I would hope that you and your therapist would address you becoming more connected and less dependent. I can hear you feel trapped but there can be a way out. It will be hard but possible. If your therapist is not active with you, I would look for another who would guide you to a more positive place, if you’re open to that. Good luck.
Thank you for your response. My Therapist then, did whatever she could to help me become independent and I listened to her at that time. But it all failed after I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I couldn’t take care of myself anymore. My only brother passed away. I left my apartment, car and all my stuff back there in the US and came back home to an abusive environment living with my psychopath mom and stepfather. For the past 5 years, they tortured me physically and mentally to the point that I called the police on them a few times. They hit me repeatedly with a rod in the head that one time I ended up in the hospital bleeding to death and then lost hearing in my right ear. Dr Margaret, I want to come back to the US. Do you know anyone who can help me by any chance?
No I’m sorry. I don’t have any expertise in that area. I would suggest going to an immigration attorney… and looking for another physical place to live, if at all possible.
How about a mother like this… Everything you do is the greatest and she compliments you until the point of total disgust. She has done it so long that even her grandchildren do not want to be near her.
She is the cat saviour. A cat/animal cannot survive without her intervention. She basically kidnaps any cat that she can create an excuse, no matter how insane the excuse, to kidnap so she can keep it safe (control it) in her prison. Of course my sister had chronic asthma that magically cured itself when she moved out and I kept chronic sinus infections. That was OK though because she didn’t acknowledge the problem. She is here now staying with us and making my family sick.
She went to stay with my sister to help raise her kids for her basically because my sister has the same mental disorder plus narcissism so her kids are an inconvenience. While she was gone with her cats my stepfather moved into an animal free apartment because he couldn’t stand the disgusting filth of those nasty cats anymore. She pitched a big drama fit, stood by her cats and ended up divorced. All of us had already become pretty much hardened to her drama so no one felt sorry for her at this point.
She is completely irrational about everything anymore. You cannot tell her anything. If you tell her to not do something, she will sneak and do it anyway because you are irrational for telling her not too. In her latest she went to visit my sister for two weeks. She came back as crazy as both of them put together. She starts a screaming fit because I dared to say something to her about how her nasty cats have kept everyone in my house sick for the last two years and unlike her, my family comes before cats. Plus her 100lbs dog that she decided was on it’s death bed before going to see my sister because he couldn’t get up off the floor on his own anymore. The only thing wrong with the dog is her keeping it in 23¾ hours a day lockdown in her animal prison because she refuses to let him out without a leash. Might not sound crazy but we live in the country and neither my dogs, nor that dog, have ever been on a leash until she recently decided he had to be watched every minute of the day. The dog improved dramatically while she was gone, which she takes credit for and refuses to acknowledge at the same time. I go to let it out without a leash and she pitches a total meltdown fit. She even tries to physically block the door. I just picked her up and moved her out of the way. She finally retreats after an hours of irrational screaming. Then she regroups, changes disposition into the innocent victim and proceeds to tell my wife, who watched it all from the other room, how I attacked her and how I hit her. My wife did what everyone does to her anymore and ballistically called her out. I looked straight at my mother and told her “No one here will fall for your games. Your wonderful daughter used the same techniques to attack and destroy our marriage and family 7 years ago. We have seen every trick in your book and know them all. I can’t believe you even tried it. Now, do what your daughter would do and go find someone dumb enough to believe your sob story so they can make you feel justified”
She was given a choice, get rid of the zoo and go to a psychologist or get out. I literally had to threaten to throw her cats out of the house just to get her to shut up long enough to tell her that. She picked her cats over her family again and is supposedly moving out. Of course she lives on social security and even with me paying all the bills here, she cannot afford to buy herself food or clothes because she spends all of her money on cats. To her that’s perfectly reasonable because that’s what she wants to do with her money. The cats would just love to escape and be free. She won’t allow that because keeping them safe (and miserable) is all that matters to her.
“Doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome” is the basis for her life. She has caused everyone to blow up in her face over the same stupid crap on a daily basis for 30 years straight. Most people would decide that their tactics weren’t working after a few tries. Not her because it’s everyone else that’s the problem and has been as long as I can remember.
A little background, the women in my family have an IQ in the 125-135 range. The only men are my two sons and myself. The three of us all have tested over 155 and are all insanely analytical, as are one of my nieces, my daughter and my first cousins on my moms side. My dad always said that my mom’s mom was completely insane. I just figured it was him running his mouth to elevate himself because he himself is a controlling narcissistic douchebag and that’s what he does. My sister got the combined insanity of both of them and currently my mom is the only family I have not completely disowned for being a psychotic dirt bag. I could write for days.
I’m assuming that it is genetic and she is crazy beyond redemption since seems to choose to be this way. Now I get to worry about my daughter because I can’t tell the difference between normal 16 year old girl drama and the way my mom and sister still act.
What a story! Except it’s not. It’s been your life. I hope you’ve received support through all of that. As far as your daughter is concerned, that’s why adults are diagnosed differently than children or teenagers. Thanks for providing such a detailed picture of an unstable and mentally ill mom. I’m sorry that it’s been so tremendously difficult. Good luck to you.
The only way to deal with a borderline is to avoid them.
Sounds like that response is based on painful experience. It’s definitely very hard work, and that work will likely be only on your side. I just wrote someone today that was dealing with a mom with BPD that “Friends are our chosen families.” Sometimes detaching or distancing and building a life away can be an answer. Thanks for commenting.
Im almost 40 years old.. I have just finally understood that my mom has bpd. Ive always knew something was terrible wrong but I just kept trying to change myself to fix it. She has just been diagnosed with a lung problem and is sick, the doctors say its incurable. I believe its really happening this time. She tends to make up this kind of stuff but i think its real this time. That made me start doing research because I dont want her to die while I had such anger inside me. I always wanted to show her love!! But im sure you know how unpredictable they can be and how the best plan can turn out to be hell. What i learned is they cant help what they think… that helped change my life. I thought she really hated me. I thought i was the worst and i had caused all my family problems. I just hope now that I know I can overcome this. Thanks for this article.
Of course. You’re very welcome. It sounds as if you have a lot of emotional work to do, given that your mother is ill. I’d recommend finding a therapist that can help you. It’s really difficult to establish boundaries when someone is ill… Good luck to you. Dr. Margaret
I grew up with a mother who was Borderlinee Personality and SevereDepression with psycohosiis and an Alcoholic father. Of course, of course, I didn’t understand. I always felt responsible, inadequate and insecure. I was the oldest girl out of 5 and I had adult responsibilities stage 13 when the severs depression came. I cooked dinnner for 7, I grocery shopped for7, I watched my brothers etc. As an adult, I struggle with inadequacy, self esteem issues and feeling alone. I still think “ why do I feel
Different than most people. I hate having my picture taken, I won’t look in the mirror. I do know all of this helped me be a bettter mom.
There were certainly lots of things stacked against you from the time you were a child Elizabeth. If you turned them into reasons for being a good mother, good for you. I hope you’ve sought help for the problems you may have – Alanon is one free support group. I hope my articles have helped you as well. Thanks so much for commenting.
Hi Dr. Margaret:
I found your site doing a search on healing from authoritarian mothers/parents. I wouldn’t say my mother is necessarily BP, although she’s never been to a therapist to be diagnosed for anything. Both of my parents were extremely critical of me, growing up, but mainly my mother. Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I was forced to eat food that I did not like or would make me gag. My mother would get angry at me for the slightest things, so much so, that I never knew “which mom” I was going to get from day to day, although I could pretty much expect criticism regularly. She would imitate me, scratch me back if I accidentally scratched her, spank me if I got bad grades, etc. She would never then, nor now, apologize for anything-SHE was/is ALWAYS right, about everything, and if you disagree, watch out. Now I’m 48, have two boys of my own, and have been married to my amazing husband for 19 years. We thankfully moved to another state 5 years ago, and I finally, for the first time, feel independent of her, but her emotional control always rears its ugly head whenever she calls or texts me. Her toxic behavior still affects me today. My father once told me she experienced some kind of trauma when she was younger, but that he couldn’t tell me, and that it “may” be a contributing factor as to her constant anger. I guess I just want to know, how do I heal from the emotional abuse? I’m currently in therapy, so it has been helpful, but I just don’t know how to figure out how I feel about her-sometimes I love her, sometimes I can’t stand her.
I hope you talk about all of this with your therapist. Whatever you “call” her behavior and her inability to recognize its painful impact on you, you were hurt. I do have both posts and podcasts on emotional abuse so you can put that term in “search.”
Thank you for responding. Yes, I have brought up all of these things with him. I guess I just wanted to hear another therapist’s perspective on those things. He said I was emotionally abused and that she’s trying to, now AND when I was younger, control me and have these unattainable expectations of “perfection” that I’ve never been able to achieve.
Thank you for the search suggestion.