Gratitude or remembering your gratitude, reminding yourself of its gifts, gives you perspective. There’s no doubt about that.
Oprah started talking about it long ago, or that’s when I remember hearing it for the first time. She had couples keeping gratitude lists — things they were grateful for about one another. It’s a good idea. We often forget to say thank you to each other.
But here’s pretty common pushback, “Am I supposed to thank him every time he’s unloads the dishwasher?” Or, “Just because she picks up the dry cleaning, am I supposed to be grateful for that? I go to work every day.”
That line of reasoning ends up in the trash. You’re acting a bit childish, demanding your due, instead of growing up and realizing a little graciousness, or selflessness feels good from time to time.
But how can gratitude backfire?
When it turns into toxic positivity.
What’s that? Here’s the definition in the anxiety and Depression Association of America: Toxic positivity occurs when encouraging statements are expected to minimize or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation.
Yet for me the problem with toxic positivity goes deeper than encouraging statements. The poison begins to spread when painful emotions are banned. When you are led or guided or manipulated or even exploited enough to believe there is shame in revealing struggle or fear. It’s one thing to gently remind someone that their pain has meaning, that there is something to be learned from every human experience. Its another to infer or state openly that a person is weak or wrong or “not grateful enough” because they’re having a moment.
That kind of shame can do more damage than whatever the hurt or pain is itself.
i know. I’ve seen and heard it for years. Someone looks down and mumbles something about feeling silly about what they’re about to say. It’s shame they feel. it’s same they have to fight off to allow their true feelings to emerge.
Rediscovering gratitude can be a sign of healing from grief.
What about the person with Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD)?
That’s the kind of depression, or really a syndrome or group of behaviors that create depression, where someone purposefully and intentionally creates a facade of everything going very well in his or her life, so that no one will ask or know about what he/she believes is vital to hide. This has become a lifelong habit and the walls around her are built solidly.
Showing gratitude would be something the PHD person would do on a daily basis, because it’s “what you do.” Good, nice, upstanding, moral people are grateful people.
You give every one of your kids’ teachers’ special gifts. You remember the guy who delivers your paper with a special Christmas or Hanukkah present. You never leave out anybody at work when it comes to making sure everyone knows about getting together for the barbecue, which, of course, is at your house.
Not that all of that isn’t lovely.
It is. But when it has an intense, driven, being on a treadmill quality, with the speed slowly being turned up, and up, and up, and up. It can be tremendously self-destructive.
PHD is gratitude on steroids. It’s not that it’s insincere. It’s very real.
But the giver is in pain that she or he isn’t talking about, and showing gratitude becomes a performance itself. And that’s where the problem is.
The gratitude backfires.
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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Photo by mododeolhar.
Originally published on April 30, 2016; updated and republished on January 15, 2024.
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I enjoyed reading your post. I’m rewriting one my posts from last year on gratitude. It’s interesting re-reading it as I can see through my attempt to “create” gratitude because I was so depressed. I wasn’t in denial about my depression at the time. It’s just that the struggle to create my familiar mode of focusing on the positive is so apparent in the words. That kind of depression was new to me. Over the past year, rather than create more gratitude, I embraced the need to fix what was wrong. I’m still working on that, but it gets me out of bed each day – writing.
Thank you Laura. We can all help each other. I’ve had the same experience of re-reading something I wrote and having quite a different perspective on it. So glad you’re better.
🙂 Thank you!
You’re welcome Laura.
I enjoyed reading your post. I’m rewriting one my posts from last year on gratitude. It’s interesting re-reading it as I can see through my attempt to “create” gratitude because I was so depressed. I wasn’t in denial about my depression at the time. It’s just that the struggle to create my familiar mode of focusing on the positive is so apparent in the words. That kind of depression was new to me. Over the past year, rather than create more gratitude, I embraced the need to fix what was wrong. I’m still working on that, but it gets me out of bed each day – writing.
Thank you Laura. We can all help each other. I’ve had the same experience of re-reading something I wrote and having quite a different perspective on it. So glad you’re better.
🙂 Thank you!
Thank you for a very enlightening article! I never heard of PHD before. What is the long term prognosis if left untreated?
Hi Emmy. PHD isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a syndrome or a group of behaviors that can be found together. My concern for people who carefully hide their pain, be it an intentional effort or an unconscious one, risk tremendous loneliness and despair, possibly suicidal thoughts or actions. Thanks for the question. I’ll hope you’ll read more on my website.