I remember being chastised by my parents to “act my age.” What they probably meant was to stop talking, which I did a lot.

So, aging is funny, isn’t it? When does the shift occur where it’s a good thing to not act your age so you’ll seem younger than you are?

You can also suddenly get hit and feel “older” after a very difficult or painful experience. Maybe that means wiser, or more fatigued, or more embattled but having survived. Or it can mean you have an awareness of reaching a more mature potential.

A while back, I asked a group of midlife bloggers this very question –  “What made you “suddenly” feel older?”

Awareness of responsibility…

“I looked older than my age at 13 so I had many friends older than myself. I did things I should not have at an early age and thought I was ‘grown.’ At 19 married and pregnant with my first child I realized I was not as old as I thought”.

“I’ve always felt older than my peers. My parents called me an old soul.”

How you’re treated by others…

“When I went to the MD shortly after my 40th birthday and she kept taking about preventative treatments for ‘women my age.'”

“When some college girls danced by and said, ‘I hope I can have as much fun as you when I am your age!’ What!?!? I’m only 40. Ugh.”

“When I was teaching middle school– I had my 27th birthday — and a student guessed that I was 45!😬. He said that’s how old his mom was! Guess all adults were the same to him!”

“I also remember noticing a difference in the way people treated me as I progressed in my 40’s and I gained about 25 pounds which made it worse. I don’t know if it’s the weight gain or the age or the energy I was putting off but I don’t think I was imagining that difference.”

“I feel that I’m moving into a different part of my life (awaiting menopause and life beyond) while my mother is passing into old age -theres a rebalancing of our relationship. Mother often asks for my opinion now and for reassurance-”

Being seen (and seeing yourself) as competent…

“(At) 31. At the time it was really magnified for me that the company was listening to my ideas, using them & finding success! The reason why this was so tough for me was because I was a teenage mom (15 yo) and for years I was told to quit school & just be happy to find a husband and forget making anything out of my life. Instead, I graduated high school, finished college with a bachelors degree and was helping to make a difference in a multi-million dollar organization. Once I realized the people I associated with (work & personal life) didn’t see me as some irresponsible teenager that got pregnant and ruined her life – I realized I was no longer ‘a kid.’ I realized I was someone who had some extraordinary life experience and was able to turn that experience into an asset not a hindrance.”

“It really hit me when I hit 30, and I realized I was looking for ‘the adult in the room.’ Then it hit me – I was the adult 🙄👀”

Awareness of time passing…

“Just recently in my 30s when my grandparent passed away. It made me realize that my parents are now really the oldest generation and then me.”

“It was my 30th birthday and my youngest son’s 4th Birthday. We were taking big brother to school and were hit from behind, hitting the car in front of us. No one was hurt, thank God. I’d not been excited about turning 30. I quickly decided I was glad to be 30 and all that came with it LOL!

“Mostly I think it was just not having ‘little kids’ anymore. But, in June our 1st grandson was born so all is good ❤️”

“At 60 (it) hit me and I’ve really been cognizant and somewhat melancholy about my mortality. NOT that I am not beyond grateful and grounded in my faith but having grandchildren is a whole new level of “wanting” to live!!!!”

“At 50 I became aware of my mortality. My father died when I was 23, so I had experienced death. Just never considered it might happen to me!”

Fear and denial..

“I think I’m still in denial. Just turned 55.”

Loss of purpose or vitality…

“At 70, I’m not as limber.”

“The year I turned 40 was fabulous! It’s been the years since, that I haven’t lived happily that make the number seem sad.”

Living more by your own rules…

“At 25 it felt like I had no choice but to be a responsible adult and always take care of things and people. Again at 35 I realized I wasn’t living the life I wanted and tried to make changes using others expectations, which of course did not work. At 45 I got fed up and started making decisions that turned my life upside down and it is now better than ever. Turned 55 last week and hardly even thought about it!

Letting go and feeling free…

“You look at the skin on your hands and it shows your life story. (I’m proud of my wrinkled hands it shows how hard I have worked).”

“Other people my age look at me and see one person doing the grown up stuff of two people! That must make me doubly grown up and responsible. My oldest child is now 18. And I still feel as silly inside as I did when I was her age and starting out in the world. I like to think this is why I can so readily access free spirited joy.”

“Something really cool about this point in my life is how much less I care about how others see me. This has been freeing for me in a lot of ways!”

Creating a fresh slate…

“30 was a big deal for me because I felt like it was a fresh start after a decade of self-hurt and heartache.”

I bet some of these ring true for you — they did for me. There is a lot of wisdom there.

What is our age but a composite of our experience? When we create happiness, when we move out of a painful place, when we feel competent, when we accept our vulnerability, when we connect with gratitude, when we respect ourselves and others, when we realize our potential, when we mourn the losses we and others have experienced, when we maintain purpose, when we love and are loved — all of that can balance the aches, the wrinkles — and even the ambiguity of not knowing what’s to come.

 

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Originally published on July 29, 2018; updated and republished on April 17, 2022.

When Are You Old? 22 Surprising Answers to That Question via @doctormargaret
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