When are you old?
I was often chastised by my parents to “act my age.” What they probably meant was to stop talking, a problem on almost all of my report cards as I recall.
Ironically, I now listen and talk for a living, in more ways than one.
Aging is strange, isn’t it? You go from being young, being told to act older than you are, to a shift occurring… where almost every influencer is shouting that your job is to seem or look or act younger than you are?
I saw Helen Mirren being interviewed yesterday. The guy commented, “You may be older but you have youthful spirit.” Helen curtly replied, “No I don’t! I have an age-full spirit!”
What does acting or being “older” mean? Maybe that means wiser, or more fatigued, or more embattled- but having survived.
I asked a group of midlife bloggers this very question – “What made you “suddenly” feel older?” Here are some of their responses.
In comparison with others…
“I looked older than my age at 13 so I had many friends older than myself. I did things I should not have at an early age and thought I was ‘grown.’ At 19 married and pregnant with my first child I realized I was not as old as I thought”.
“My parents called me an old soul.”
How I’m treated by others…
“When I went to the MD shortly after my 40th birthday and she kept talking about preventative treatments for ‘women my age.'”
“When some college girls danced by and said, ‘I hope I can have as much fun as you when I am your age!’ What!?!? I’m only 40. Ugh.”
“When I was teaching middle school– I had my 27th birthday — and a student guessed that I was 45!😬. He said that’s how old his mom was!”
“People treated me as I progressed in my 40’s and I gained about 25 pounds which made it worse. I don’t know if it’s the weight gain or the age or the energy I was putting off…”
“I feel that I’m moving into a different part of my life (awaiting menopause and life beyond) while my mother is passing into old age -theres a rebalancing of our relationship. Mother often asks for my opinion now and for reassurance-”
Being seen (and seeing myself) as competent…
“(At) 31. At the time it was really magnified for me that the company was listening to my ideas, using them & finding success! The reason why this was so tough for me was because I was a teenage mom (15 yo) and for years I was told to quit school & just be happy to find a husband and forget making anything out of my life. Instead, I graduated high school, finished college with a bachelors degree and was helping to make a difference in a multi-million dollar organization. Once I realized the people I associated with (work & personal life) didn’t see me as some irresponsible teenager that got pregnant and ruined her life – I realized I was no longer ‘a kid.’ I realized I was someone who had some extraordinary life experience and was able to turn that experience into an asset not a hindrance.”
“It really hit me when I hit 30, and I realized I was looking for ‘the adult in the room.’ Then it hit me – I was the adult 🙄👀”
Awareness of time passing…
“Just recently in my 30s when my grandparent passed away. It made me realize that my parents were now really the oldest generation and then me.”
“It was my 30th birthday and my youngest son’s 4th Birthday. We were taking big brother to school and were hit from behind, hitting the car in front of us. No one was hurt, thank God. I’d not been excited about turning 30. I quickly decided I was glad to be 30 and all that came with it LOL!
“Mostly I think it was just not having ‘little kids’ anymore. But, in June our 1st grandson was born so all is good ❤️”
“At 60 (it) hit me and I’ve really been cognizant and somewhat melancholy about my mortality. NOT that I am not beyond grateful and grounded in my faith but having grandchildren is a whole new level of “wanting” to live!!!!”
“At 50 I became aware of my mortality. My father died when I was 23, so I had experienced death. Just never considered it might happen to me!”
Fear and denial..
“I think I’m still in denial. Just turned 55.”
Loss of purpose or vitality…
“At 70, I’m not as limber.”
“The year I turned 40 was fabulous! It’s been the years since, that I haven’t lived happily that make the number seem sad.”
Living more by my own rules…
“At 25 it felt like I had no choice but to be a responsible adult and always take care of things and people. Again at 35 I realized I wasn’t living the life I wanted and tried to make changes using others expectations, which of course did not work. At 45 I got fed up and started making decisions that turned my life upside down and it is now better than ever. Turned 55 last week and hardly even thought about it!
Letting go and feeling free…
“You look at the skin on your hands and it shows your life story. (I’m proud of my wrinkled hands it shows how hard I have worked).”
“Other people my age look at me and see one person doing the grown up stuff of two people! That must make me doubly grown up and responsible. My oldest child is now 18. And I still feel as silly inside as I did when I was her age and starting out in the world. I like to think this is why I can so readily access free spirited joy.”
“Something really cool about this point in my life is how much less I care about how others see me. This has been freeing for me in a lot of ways!”
Creating a fresh slate…
“30 was a big deal for me because I felt like it was a fresh start after a decade of self-hurt and heartache.”
I bet some of these ring true for you — they did for me. There’s a lot of wisdom there.
What is your age but a composite of your experience? When you create happiness, when you move out of a painful place, when you feel competent, when you accept your vulnerability, when you connect with gratitude, when you respect your selves and others, when you realize your potential, when you mourn the losses you and others have experienced, when you maintain purpose, when you love and are loved — all of that can balance the aches, the wrinkles and even the ambiguity of not knowing what’s to come.
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Originally published on July 29, 2018; updated and republished on April 7, 2024.
Photo by Jordan Benton.
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