When A Parent Needs Too Much: What Is Enmeshment and How Does It Hurt A Child
Being a parent is a complicated job.
Healthy parenting includes doing your best to create a loving environment, supporting your kids so that their talents and interests thrive, and guiding them as they increasingly build their own life.
All parents are going to make mistakes. It’s one of the terrifying realizations you make very early on. They’ll benefit from your strengths, but sadly it’s inevitable that your vulnerabilities will also affect them. While I was pregnant, I knew I was being a “good enough” mom; I wasn’t eating much fast food (although I was amazed he didn’t come out looking like a chicken nugget) and I was getting plenty of rest. But things got a lot fuzzier when he was a babe in arms. This parenting gig is humbling.
Yet some problems are harder to see than others. What’s one of them?
When you – as the parent – need too much from that child…when the two of you are enmeshed.
What is enmeshment?
If you and your kids are “enmeshed,” the boundaries between you and your child don’t exist clearly, if at all. You’re all tangled up with one another in ways that aren’t healthy for either of you.
Perhaps you’re a mother that shares too much, or a dad that’s needy. So, your children get the message that it’s not okay to be independent and that they need to be your confidante or buddy. It might never occur to that child, even as an adult, not to include their parent in daily decisions. Multiple texts go on all day long. When a new boyfriend casually asks, “Hey, why don’t you come back from holiday break a day early so we can hang out,” there’s shock and perhaps ridicule. “I can’t come back early. I always spend this time with my mom.”
What’s tricky about this? It can appear that all is well, “Wow, you’re so close to your parents. You’re so lucky!” But internally, the parent expects or even demands loyalty and doesn’t celebrate their child’s independence, unless they’re able to live through that child’s achievement. When the child reaches adulthood, they can be stricken by guilt for simply wanting and needing their own life.
The book Educated by Dr. Tara Westover describes an extremely enmeshed family. Her parents didn’t believe in public schools, doctors, vaccines, or socializing with others. They kept their young children working on the farm, away from books or school. There was an intense disdain for curiosity about anything – other than what was offered at home. The author challenged these rules, but not without paying a heavy price.
There can be less severe versions of this; if everyone in your family knows everyone else’s business and always feel free to comment or have an opinion, you’re likely to find enmeshment. If you and your children are still expected to spend holidays at your parents’ home, or your dad drops by with no warning and expects your attention, or you spend hours talking on the phone with your mom, feeling as if you need to fill her in so she’ll feel like a part of things …you might want to reconsider the health of that habit.
What’s the danger of enmeshment?
Enmeshment can sound like a lot of things. Again, in a certain context, these statements aren’t manipulative. But when they’re repeated over and over, when the message is, “don’t leave me, don’t abandon me,” the child or adult child can feel trapped.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.“
“You know me better than anybody.“
“I can’t think about you leaving.“
Usually early on, the child is pulled in to serve the psychological needs of a parent; perhaps it is to help Mom stop crying, or to lift Dad out of a bad mood, perhaps to prevent a drinking spree. That child is told that they’re doing a great job AND no one could do it better. “You make me so happy.”
“You’re saving me from myself.”
But guess what? Inevitably, the parent becomes unhappy again. Their problems are adult problems and can only be truly healed by their own actions. So the child, who now feels responsible for her parent, fails. She’s not special enough. He’s not smart enough to fix his father’s struggles. To fix that? They must try harder.
It can be a lifelong job.
Don’t get me wrong. Enmeshment is very different than asking a child to help you with the garden, or giving them chores around the house. Of course, good parenting is about having expectations. You’re teaching a child about responsibility. But those expectations aren’t the same as pulling a child into a role that isn’t one a child should play.
How Does Enmeshment Affect a Child?
Dr. Pat Love wrote a book about this phenomenon, called “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What To Do When A Parent’s Love Rules Your Life.” She describes the cost to the child, “If the parent represses the girl’s (or boy’s) anger not just once but over and over again, a deeper injury occurs: the girl will eventually dismantle her anger response. Ultimately, it’s safer for her to cut off a part of her being than to battle the person on whom her life depends.”
It can feel like a job you can’t quit. So you swallow your anger.
And here’s another irony. If you’re one of these adult children, many people have probably told you how lucky you were to have a parent that sang your praises and adored you so much. It’s difficult to question this bond because you may feel extreme guilt, as if you’re being disloyal or not appreciating all that they have done for you. You fear that you can never emotionally leave nor can you express anger about how trapped you feel.
But you may also feel terrifically insecure. You may look like an adult on the outside, but you may doubt your own reasoning and capabilities.
After all, aren’t you supposed to check in before making big decisions? The parent’s message is often, “You can’t really do life well without me.” Sometimes that message is unintended. Sometimes it’s more than intended… and manipulative.
“I never realized that I don’t make a decision without talking to my mom about it first.”
“I just assumed that I would help with my dad’s business. I never gave one thought to doing something on my own. So, what now?”
Breaking the patterns of enmeshment…
The good news is that this dynamic can be changed. I’ve worked with parents who’ve been able to see what they’ve unintentionally done, and decided to back off for everyone’s well-being. I’ve guided adult children who needed to pull away from the intensity of the relationship. The pattern can be changed, but it’s going to feel odd for a while. There will be space where there was no space before. It can feel a little lonely — perhaps, oddly enough, for both of you. If you’re the parent, finding other relationships that can support you is the first line of business – the goal being that you’re far less reliant on your child. If you’re the adult child, you may have become quite accustomed to the parent’s constant contact, and being without it can feel a little shaky. Your task is to build your own sense of identity, while learning to share in healthy supportive relationships.
As the parent you can can confront your own unhappiness, while giving the gift of freedom to your child. As the child, you can discover your own competence, and know that the love of your parent is there for support.
Due to the overwhelming popularity of this topic and post, I recorded a podcast episode about how to step away from enmeshment and you can listen to it here on The SelfWork Podcast.
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Oh boy did this resonate with me! I’ve been taking care of mom since I was 15 and my mom died and there has been anger on my side that I’ve swallowed time and time again. Now she has Alzheimer’s and my life has stopped once again to take care of her. By the time it is actually my time I’m terrified I will be to old to live!
I’m a little confused Rena… maybe you meant to say your dad died? But it sounds as if you’re exactly the person I wanted to reach. Maybe there are ways even now that you could take better care of you — using a service to help with your mom, or allowing others to care for her, at least some of the time. I obviously don’t know, but I might suggest you talk to friends about your options. Maybe you could start that life now. Thanks so much for letting me know.
Thanks for addressing such an important blog. Enmeshment can have long-lasting effects on a child’s emotional development and relationships. Thanks for shedding light on this point. keep sharing.
I definitely will Noah. thanks for commenting.
I think my wife (27F) is trapped in this enmeshment. I shared this whole article to her and she agrees with it, but some unhealthy actions by her parents go unnoticed. When I point it out to her, she sometimes defends their behavior. One specific example seems innocent enough—her father texts her “Goodnight, I love you” every single night without fail—however, her response indicates that this message seems more manipulative than not. And she often becomes anxious or filled with guilt when she can’t or forgets to respond to it.
I remember walking out of a therapist’s office one time when she suggested that maybe my mom was manipulative – that it was enmeshment that is. It’s a very difficult dynamic to see because it looks and often feels like true caring. A great thing to do would be to be supportive of her reading about it more or going to therapy. You may not be the person she can hear this from… and I understand that, for her, it can feel tremendously disloyal to question that kind of caring.
Margaret,
This was helpful and confirming. My wife gets calls from her mother 5+ times a day, every day, for as long as cell phones have been ubiquitous. She spends the majority of her work breaks and lunches on the phone with her Mom, including disruptions while she’s working. And it’s never important stuff, like gossipping about her brother’s every move. I had to put a stop to mealtime calls, calls while our family is riding together, and my wife abruptly cutting off our conversations when her Mom calls. Though these still happen occasionally. She also goes to their house 2-4x a week, and will hide trips from me by packaging them in with a trip to the grocery store. 95% of the things she does for them, they could do for themselves.
And her help is never asked for from a position of humility and gratefulness for her time, but rather a “I need you to do this today” position. She has such a big heart, but shoulders so much guilt to the point of being brought to tears at times.
A part of me feels selfish for bringing this up to her because ultimately I’m asking her to spend less time with her parents. But I feel like our marriage and her mental health are on the line. Again, thank you for the clarity on the subject.
You’re so welcome. It can be a tough dynamic to address. I remember a therapist of mine suggesting my mother could be manipulative; my loyalty to her and not understanding enmeshment back then led me to walk out of his office, incensed that he would suggest such a thing. I called him back, apologized, and said, “You know, you must’ve touched on something.” Good luck to you and your wife.