What To Do If You Know Someone Who’s Grieving

What do you do if someone you know and love is grieving?

Death and mourning were part of my normal awareness, as I grew up the daughter of a much beloved funeral director.

Dinner conversation would touch on who my dad had helped that day. But the conversation wasn’t tinged with sadness, as Dad kept a lot of that from us. We also grew up in the “seen but not heard” child-rearing belief system, so my brothers and I would be kicking each other under the table while Mother was catching up with Dad on the events of their days. Yet now, I recognize that the inevitability of loss was evident to me from quite a young age.

Unless, of course, it was someone we loved.

Then it became very real to me as well.

 

The pandemic… 

The pandemic brought grief into focus for many of us. Covid was something we feared or tried to deny. But either you or someone you know grieved the loss of a loved one from its impact. An elderly grandparent. A nurse. A teacher. A 40 year-old man who had no health issues. A 50 year-old woman with diabetes. A child who had so much life in front of them. Vaccinated. Unvaccinated. Mothers. Daughters. Sons. Fathers.

No one was, or even now, is exempt.

One minute your world was safe, and the next, it wasn’t. That shock takes a long time to heal.

When you’re the one left grieving, I’ve learned one of the hardest things to face over time is that everyone’s life goes on… despite your grief.

And life goes on… 

You’ll read about someone turning 90. Or see a joyful post about a grandparent traveling to meet their new grandchild. You’ll go to the park and see mothers and daughters walking arm in arm, or having a fight. Or you’ll pass by a restaurant where an entire family has gathered for a reunion. And you’ll ask yourself the question… why.

Yet is was your grandmother who died. Your mom who didn’t make it through. Your family that’s now incomplete.

But there’s no answer. No real answer.

Life clicks by. Meetings are held. College entrance exams are taken. New glasses are needed. Wars break out. Awards are won, or games are lost. Divorces happen. Other deaths, some anticipated, some not, occur. Fires and other tragedies take their place in the news. Birthdays, no longer times to look forward to, are gotten through. Holidays become heavily tinged with loss. Life keeps happening. Sadness, fear, anger, denial, depression, anxiety — all aspects of grief are excruciatingly experienced. And healing can be slow.

There’s no way to stop time. It keeps coming at you as you face indescribable loss, each moment seeming harder than the one that came before it. Each breath difficult to take. At least for a while.

Support someone grieving over time…

So please. If you love someone with this kind of grief, or any type of deep mourning, don’t simply reach out when that death occurred. Put a note in your calendar one month from now, six months from now. And reach out again. Realize that often the second or even third year of living out the new normal can be the most difficult, because an unchosen life is being lived out by the person you love.

Mourning takes time. And a lot of it. Be patient. Don’t offer platitudes. You don’t have to explain it away. You can’t fix it. Ask them what you can do, and do it. Offer to do something and then do it.

With each passing second, each breath inhaled and exhaled, their lives are also moving forward.

Be a support. Be aware of how you may being triggered yourself. But be there.

 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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Photo by Julia Volk from Pexels.