What The Mother of a School Shooter Wants You To Know

After the shooting at Columbine, now 26 years ago, the message from one mother of a school shooter was very clear: she wanted you to know that your child can keep secrets. And those secrets can lead to horrific tragedy, even murder.

Yet far too often, you hear about school shootings, and you say, “That couldn’t happen here.”

But it can. Florida State University is experiencing the horror of what can happen. And families are reeling.

In fact, Since the Columbine shooting in 1999, there have been over 390 school shootings, killing at least 203 and injuring 441 students, educators, and other individuals on K-12 campuses. Approximately 59% were targeted shootings and over 12% were unintentional. Over 360,000 students have been affected by school violence.

 

What is our denial about?

When I was turning 30, I remember starting to erect mental barriers between me and tragedy.

Or trying to.

Someone might say, “Did you hear that Erica was diagnosed with cancer?”

And I’d quickly reply, “No, oh my gosh… how old is she?” Or, “Does she smoke?” Or, “What were her symptoms?”

I was using any piece of information to put a wall between me and tragedy. My search was on for details that would exclude me from harm; since I was younger, a non-smoker and had none of the symptoms, I felt relieved.

Yet I wasn’t a therapist for long without realizing that these attempts at denial are superficial.  Horrific things happen to people who are trying to live kindly and with integrity. Seemingly wonderful things happen to people that are up to no good, selfish, or malicious.

What one mother warns...

You may not know your child as well as you think you do.

Years ago, the mother of one of the Columbine shooters, Susan Klebold, wants you to know that maybe you don’t.  Whether you think you could’ve detected what she and her husband did not, whether you believe this couldn’t happen in your family, her story is frightening.

People, even children, hide things. They have addictions, or have done something that, to them, is shameful. These problems are common, and with treatment, can be helped.

Ms. Klebold loved her son. But she didn’t know things about him. She asked questions. He didn’t tell her who he was becoming, or that he was very depressed and suicidal.

So, are school shooters “sociopaths?”

First, the diagnostic term is antisocial personality disorder. There are people who abuse, manipulate, and lie. They hurt others, often animals, and can justify their behavior, no matter how impulsive or damaging. Even as children, they can lack the ability to form a true connection or attachment with others, whether due to their own abuse or their genetic makeup.

But there’s no blanket “diagnosis” for school shooters.

What I know now is that people who don’t have a conscience don’t announce themselves. They don’t wear black hats for all to see.

Shockingly, these are sometimes people that you thought you knew, that are well-respected, and that you’d entrusted with your children, your money, or your confidence. And they, very intentionally and methodically, hurt you, or someone you love.

It could be your partner, your employee, your coworker, your friend.

The shock and rage that follows can threaten your very sanity.

“How could I not have known?”

It takes a long time to heal from that kind of wound.

And it requires a long time to quit asking “Why?” as if there’s a rational answer.

There’s not a rational answer.

Anyone can keep a secret.

 

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression can be ordered here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev.