What It Takes To Be Real: This Is “My” Brave
This is a story about being brave in a different way – by letting others more fully into my own mental struggles. To actually be the real me.
And it involves letting others see me cry.
I’ve cried when I’ve felt loss or grief, or when others I care about have experienced loss. I’ve wept when loved ones have died. I cried buckets over a friendship ending years ago. I cried trying to get used to my son being gone, and still tear up a little when I leave his world, and reenter my own. But most of those tears have been private.
But this is the story of sudden, unexpected tears that embarrassed me just a tad, but mostly surprised me as I fought to get back in control and breathe.
The rehearsal…
I was at a rehearsal of the “This Is My Brave” show, a live performance that features people with mental illness opening up and sharing not only their struggles, but what they’ve learned from them. The organization’s whole purpose is to use those stories to educate and destigmatize mental and emotional problems — to teach people that all kinds of people from all walks of life are dealing every day with mental illness. It was begun by two women, Jennifer Marshall and Anne Marie Ames, both with mental illness. Both wanted to end the stigma. Anne Marie tragically died before realizing the massive impact of their dream — only giving Jennifer’s mission more purpose and determination.
People need to know that they’re not alone. And what you can do is to tell your story about your mental illness.
My story was about my own panic disorder.
Frankly, I’d imagined that reading my story would be a breeze, as I’d already talked about experiencing panic. I’d told the amusing tale about being accosted by my psychiatrist’s receptionist as her curiosity drove her to question me, “Just what is wrong with you?” Â I’d written about my panic emerging, and how I vigorously fought against and initially denied what was then the unwelcome realization that I had a mental illness.
The inward struggle to be real… to be present and vulnerable…
But it wasn’t easy. It was far from a breeze. As my words started to come out of my mouth, my throat tightened, tears came to my eyes, and I struggled for a second to catch a breath.
“Perhaps if you’ve ever talked with me one on one, you may notice that I often lean against the wall, or steady myself with a chair. That’s my anxiety.”
I suddenly felt exposed. My brain raced. What was I doing? Was I really going to let out  this secret? Was I actually choosing to allow people into my real world, the world behind the persona of the confident psychologist?
But I kept reading, as it felt as if I was handing the keys to my hiding place over to anyone who might be interested enough to go in and take a peek. And it wasn’t over yet.
I kept reading and began to shake a little. Ever so slightly.
“Anxiety was invading my life. I didn’t mind so much the panic itself. It was the shaking. I hated that my anxiety, my vulnerability, showed.”
That was it. Now I was being totally honest. It’s not that I had a problem, a mental health issue that was, or is, uncomfortable and even painful. It’s that others can see it. I can’t hide it, at least not all of the time.
I felt incredibly vulnerable. I was afraid. And tears came, whether I wanted them to or not.
Confronting fear of stigma...
I did everything I could to shut up the voice that was yelling at me inside my head, “You’re a psychologist. It’s your job to help others achieve change they need and want. Now you’re choosing to let people know not only that you struggle, but you’re going to tell them how they can tell you are? You’re nuts.”
In that moment, I dove into the deep end of vulnerability. I might be nuts. But my choice was clear. And I wasn’t going to listen to that voice.
I’m not ashamed of my vulnerability. If I can help one person who hides their struggle, then reveal I will.
It’s me, being real. It’s me, being honest.
If I cry as I do it, then so be it.
You can hear more about vulnerability and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
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Originally published Apr 8, 2017 and updated on December 1, 2019.
I spoke about my personal experience with anxiety at a women’s conference in March of this year. I didn’t cry, but I did laugh. It felt good to be open and honest. Some of the older ladies there were nodding their heads as if to say “Yes, I get it.” There were also a ton of young mothers there. Several of them were crying. I hope what I said gave them hope and possibly a path to dealing with anxiety in better ways.
That’s wonderful to hear Leah. Good for you. I’m sure I’ll laugh as well, but tears may come. And that’s okay. Thanks for commenting.
I applaud your courage to show your own emotions. I know it is hard. As you know, my wife suffers from panic attacks. It’s a daily battle that even I don’t fully understand. Keep up the great work you are doing to educate folks.
Thank you so much Fred. Panic is hard because it can be so elusive. Please tell Christine that I get it and certainly wish her well .
I have always had spells of anxiety/depression for the past 20 years or so. However it was worse back in Oct. 2016. I couldn’t do my job any longer. I would have to sit and breathe deeply in the car in the parking lot to just get out and walk in. I was a teacher, it got so bad that I would feel the flood gate about to break once the bell rang and I had to get up and walk to the board and start a lesson, and at the same time with the depression…having no motivation, was pure hell. I have analyzed and thought about my anxiety over the past 5 months while out of work, I can admit that’s why in a restaurant I always have to be sitting on the side of the table that faces out in the restaurant so I can see the door, I never want to sit and face a wall, I feel trapped. In faculty meetings, I would have to sit at a table on the outer part of the group because I couldn’t breathe sitting among all the people along with the need to be near the door, or have a clear path to escape. Finally, anxiety over the years has made me realize if I am going to attend anything with friends or family , I always drive alone and will not offer to let someone ride with me. Not because I’m rude or selfish, but if there comes the time in that social setting, and my anxiety pops up suddenly, I have to have a way out quickly and that is having my own car and I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Fight of Flight….with me majority of the time is Flight. One day I hope I could do like some people and go around and speak about this topic and share my struggles with depression/anxiety along with letting them know, it’s ok that you have this and we all can make it through it.
Hi Jamie. I’m so sorry that your anxiety has become that debilitating. You don’t mention treatment? It sounds as if you’re experiencing social anxiety for sure, but I wonder about trauma in your history. There may not be, but some of your symptoms are similar to those of a trauma victim. I can hear that you’re making connections yourself, and that’s good. If you could find a group to talk with – groups are wonderful for anxiety. But certainly, I hope that you would seek good treatment somewhere. Thanks for listening in yesterday, and I hope some of my articles on the website,, or I also have a podcast on anxiety, could be helpful to you. https://drmargaretrutherford.com/002-selfwork-panicked-about-panic/
I just love how you actually respond to comments. I have been in therapy. I have been seeing a psychiatrist since Dec. I will start seeing a psychologist in early May. I also started 2 weeks ago going to a local NAMI group support meeting. I had put off the psychologist mainly due to the fact I knew I’d have to release “the beast”..and fear that my mind isn’t fixable! But I have a lot of built up anger about issues in the past year or so, that really need to be sorted out. Do you have an email? I would love to send you a few things I have written, so that you could see how I am processing everything. And again! thank you for your thoughtful response, it means a lot! Glad I ran across you a few weeks ago! Have a great day!
That makes me smile Jamie. My email is askdrmargaret@146.66.99.73 . I’m glad you’re getting the help you need.