What Is Covert Narcissism? And Can Narcissism Be Healed?

Would someone struggling with narcissism ever come to therapy for help?

You betcha.

What follows is the story of one woman who identifies herself as manifesting covert narcissism. Not only is she asking for help, but is looking for information on how she could best address what she so desperately and sincerely wants to change in herself. I was struck by her honesty and vulnerability.

Sometimes we can forget as a culture that those we “label” as having a personality disorder are often living very difficult lives, perhaps with the exception of true sociopathy. Here’s a link to a podcast episode I did last week on those very mind games that those with sociopathic traits play.

 

A message from someone suffering with narcissism… 

Let’s call her Carol.

Hi Dr. Margaret. You’ve been a trusted source of knowledge on self-work for me for a long time. I appreciate all that you do.

I have recently become aware that I am a covert narcissist.

I’m trying very hard to change—I know it is imperative. And though it makes sense that most resources focus on narcissistic abuse victims and their recovery, I want to say that there are those of us out there with personality disorders that are self-aware and want desperately to change our disordered personalities and their impacts on our lives and the lives of those who love us.

Let me be clear— abuse is a choice and unacceptable no matter the context or personality. I am not suggesting that material designed for helping victims should include sympathizing/empathizing with the narcissist.

What I am saying is that there is an extreme paucity of help and direction for the self-aware narcissist who wants heal, to have a meaningful life, and functional, healthy relationships.

Thank you for listening, and for all you do. Be well.

What is covert narcissism?

First, what is covert narcissism?

Scientific American had a great explanation of it. It’s a quieter manifestation of narcissism characterized by extreme sensitivity to slights and a deep shame over grandiose fantasies that lead these individuals to shun the spotlight. Sometimes referred to as the “vulnerable” or the “hypervigilant” narcissist, these individuals are exquisitely sensitive to how others react to them. The core characteristics of (covert or) vulnerable narcissism include a highly fragile self-esteem, constant feelings of shame, a hiding of the self, avoidance of feedback, rage when there is criticism, grandiose fantasies of validation, and distrust of the good intentions of others.

Vulnerable narcissists have an incessant need to avoid rejection and feedback that may confirm their deepest fear of low self-worth, whereas grandiose narcissists have an incessant need to avoid any indications that they may not be as superior and powerful as they believe they are.

One example of covert narcissism…

Now let’s talk about Lydia, someone I saw years ago.

Lydia was highly respected in her community, someone who constantly did for others – her church, her city, her family. She’d do the most arduous of jobs, working for hours on gifts and projects and really good deeds. She needed to be seen as special – and in many ways she was. But a greater need was for her to seem self-effacing – “I’m not special. I’m here to serve.”

Yet all that “good work” was sabotaged by her intense need for validation. When things didn’t go her way – when her adult children, for example, made different choices than she thought was right – she took their actions very personally. She would blame herself for not doing a good enough job as a mother, rather than realizing her children were building their own lives.

When confronted by those very children about being passive-aggressive, meaning that she took her resentment out in very subtle ways, Lydia became the victim.

We made some progress in therapy. Unlike Carol, she had little insight into how miserable she was making herself – and others. She left therapy abruptly when things appeared to be getting better. There was no acknowledgement of the work we’d done together for more than two years – she termed me her “paid friend.” Perhaps you can hear the subtle putdown even that held within it. Yet also…. fear.

Now, let’s get back to Carol.

What does she need to focus on to be able to “catch” and “change” her behavior?

Seven traits of covert narcissism and what to do about them.. 

I drew from an article in MindBodyGreen for this, as its author broke down seven traits of covert narcissism. I’ve put them into the form of things you might hear from someone who struggles with covert narcissism.

1) “There’s something wrong with me I can’t let anyone see.”

People who are secure in themselves can let others know that they also grow impatient. Or they don’t want to do something they promised to do. It’s only if you’re deeply insecure about your own worth, that you can feel the need to hide whatever you feel are your faults or weaknesses – or just your humanity. Someone with this struggle may even go so far as to openly announce, “There’s nothing special about me,” although they bust their chops to be a really good person.

2) “I’m really better than others. But I can never act like it.” 

If you don’t have to have the best answer, it’s because you’re secure in yourself. A silent belief that your way of doing things or thinking is the best – or even the only way? That’s narcissism that’s not flaunted, but usually passive-aggressively acted out.

The way to approach both of these is to begin to acknowledge your competencies – and if you can’t, then  try to see when and where you learned that real confidence had to hide behind false modesty to exist.

3) “I have to stay constantly vigilant that others don’t outdo or beat me.” 

This could be the need to be the volunteer who gives the most hours – every year – to being sensitive toward your married children developing great relationships with their in-laws – and hating it.

Again, it’s the insecurity and lack of solid worth that’s the culprit.

4) “No one tries to understand me. I’m always doing for them.” 

If you’ve never allowed yourself to connect with your own emotional pain, or even call something you went through early on “difficult” or “hard,” then you probably don’t know how to be truly empathic with others. You do for others. That’s how you try to earn their love. You don’t know how to extend true empathy toward others. You instead rely upon others complimenting you and depending on you for reassurance of your worth.

5) “I never get angry.” 

This isn’t true at all. But how someone with covert narcissism will do is act out their anger in ways that they don’t think “show.”

The goal here is to practice being assertive about how you feel and what you want – and then tolerate the feelings that are bound to come with that – most likely that you’re doing something horribly wrong. You’re not. Those are very old messages.

6) “People I love don’t care how much they hurt me.” 

They do care. But the problem can be that you’re not being honest about your hurt. And… you’re taking their actions personally, meaning you may tend to make things about you… that aren’t about you at all.

7) ‘I feel loved when you do what I want you to do.” 

This is what’s called “conditional love.” Since someone with covert narcissism struggles to be honest but then understands undesirable choices that others make as about abandonment, the dynamic can definitely be very difficult.

The good news is… you can begin this very difficult work.. 

Developing empathy within yourself, realizing and asserting your own values, appreciating the value of others, working on lowering your expectations that others “prove” their love for you, all of these things can help someone with covert narcissism begin to heal.

 

 

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Nadine E on Unsplash.