Create Your Value and Discover Your Purpose For Valentines

I didn’t truly learn my value and purpose for many years. But when I did, I realized how much more meaningful and centered my life could be.

So, here’s a little bit of my own story.

 

Finding Value and Purpose the Wrong Way…

In the second grade, I was elected “Valentine Queen” of my class. That glittery paper crown felt like proof that I was likable, that I belonged. I didn’t have the language then for self-worth or external validation, but that tiny crown stirred something familiar in many of us: the longing to be chosen.

I wore it all day, imagining future coronations: Miss Pine Bluff, Miss Arkansas, Miss America, letting the thrill of being seen and approved of sink deep into my bones. Only years later did I learn that my mother had influenced the win behind the scenes. Yet at the time, fueled by the belief that I could earn love by performing well, I kept chasing similar moments of validation: student council, class president, homecoming court. I didn’t win a thing after age seven, but that didn’t keep me from trying.

I kept coming up swinging, sure that once again, I’d feel the joy of being validated by my peers. 

“Miss-Take” and “Miss-Judgment”

What I didn’t have back then was a sense of my own value. And maybe, like you, struggled to know my purpose.

When I left home after high school, the external structure that had held me together fell away. I derailed. Hard. The only titles I earned for more than a decade were “Miss-Take” and “Miss-Judgment.” I gravitated toward relationships far more complex and destructive than I had the maturity to navigate.

I used my sexuality as a misguided attempt at connection, choosing men who were emotionally unavailable. Some partners genuinely tried to love me well, but I couldn’t absorb it. Shame wouldn’t let me. I walked away from kindness because it didn’t match the harshness of my own internal voice.

And that’s exactly how shame works. When you’re convinced you’re unworthy, you choose people who mirror that belief. They don’t have to criticize you, not at first. You’re already doing the job on your own.

When I Saw My Value And Found My Purpose

The turning point came slowly, and painfully. I was still in an abusive relationship when something unexpected happened. Call it synergy, karma, or a “God thing.” I began volunteering at a battered women’s shelter.

I couldn’t NOT see the damage that can be done to someone’s sense of worth by being belittled, demeaned, and manipulated. I watched as some went back to their abusers for very complicated reasons, while others didn’t. I had to painfully admit that my own life mimicked theirs. But I slowly faced my own shame, and decided I had to save myself.

It unnerved me. It scared me. If I wanted out, I was going to have to save myself. And (this was the harder truth)… I was worth saving.

So I left.

My attention shifted from trying to earn love to trying to make a difference. I applied to graduate school, threw myself into studying psychology, and went back to therapy. My world began to change because I began to change.

The Slow, Steady Emergence of Value and Purpose

A life I genuinely liked started to take shape. I was finding my value, my purpose. And not long after, I met a man with a kind heart, someone who liked the very essence of me…and wanted me to learn to like myself, too.

That was more than thirty-five years ago. He’s still around. Thank goodness.

Psychological theory has a place in this conversation. Maslow believed that before we develop a strong sense of self-esteem, we often search for belonging…desperately, creatively, and sometimes in ways that hurt us. Think back to adolescence, or even adulthood: the ways you tried to fit in were attempts to be valued by others long before you learned to value yourself.

Your Valentine’s Day Gift to Yourself

As this day devoted to love approaches, give your own life a look. Write down not only what you love about the life you’ve created, but also what you value and how those values are currently reflected in the life you’ve built for yourself.

If you find that your everyday life does not reflect those values, remember that you can change that! Consider the direction you need to go and take steps, even little ones, that bring you closer to living out the standards that speak to you. That’s the way you find purpose and the most important validation you can receive… your own. 

By the way… 

You can record a message for me by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash.

Originally published on February 10, 2018; updated and republished on February 1, 2026.