What Are The Warning Signs of Narcissism?

Today we’re going to focus on exactly what narcissism is and why you might be attracted to those people with narcissistic traits.

First, here’s narcissism in action – and very dramatic action.

My client was describing his wife’s sudden death in our first session together. And that client was someone with distinct narcissistic traits. Her quite tragic death had happened more than a decade ago. Yet he reported that on a daily basis, he’d go from work colleague to colleague, telling the story of his loss and how he’d struggled to get over it. It seemed that he’d been listened to, tirelessly – at least for quite a while. Until he was let go.

He took no responsibility for the impact of his intense focus on her death, nor the inappropriateness of talking about it at work so relentlessly. Instead, he said, “No one was trying to understand. It makes me furious that they are all so focused on their own lives. No one was there for me.”

This is a great example of how skewed this man’s world view was – and skewed certainly in the direction of “life should be about me.”

 

The basics of narcissism… 

First, there’s a lack of empathy for others or if empathy seems present, it serves the purpose of the narcissist. He also is typically self-absorbed, entitled for no reason, and has a grandiose need to be considered special or exceptional. Often acting in condescending, exploitative ways toward others with little to no regard for the impact of those actions, he typically has little to no insight into this pattern. And will blame you for not understanding his motives, which aren’t manipulative in his eyes.

If you interact this way across the board with everyone, day in, day out, you may earn the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

These folks, mostly men, can be extremely charming. They will demonstrate these traits, but to varying degrees.

What he may look like is someone who has lots of confidence. A guy with presence. And he has turned his eye on you.  It’s flattering. Seductive.

Sadly, he cannot build you up.

It begins having a subtle effect, and can gnaw away at your belief in yourself.

The manipulative clues of narcissism… 

What are the clues? How do you know you are dating a narcissist? And how will he begin to manipulate you?

Here are four examples.

1) He initially tells you he admires the supportive relationships you have in your life. Then slowly begins to criticize them.  Little things about you as well. Starts suggesting you change things. The way you wear your hair. How much you do or don’t work out. You want to please.

His motivation for doing this is twofold. He may be envious of your relationships with others or want you more for himself. And he is by nature very demanding. When you change for him, become his ideal, that satisfies that his need to feel special. In control. (Of course, you are slowly growing more invisible. Which is damaging for you.)

2) In arguments, it always turns out that you have “gotten it wrong”, or “misunderstood”. You begin to question your judgement, when you never have before. You work harder to understand.

This occurs because a narcissist is not capable of empathy – of understanding what another person may be feeling. Your perspective is not something he will care about or want to take into account in any realistic way. He will also feel easily rejected if you push back too much. (That slowly builds resentment in you, but also confusion and self-doubt).

3) You suddenly realize in a conversation that he has talked for 15 minutes. And not asked a question about you. You feel bad but you don’t know why. You push those feelings away.

4) He asked you to do an errand for him. You forgot and try to apologize, and then he becomes quiet. Sullenly, he says that he understands that you’re busy. You have better things to do with your day. You find yourself feeling confused but guilty. A lot. And you begin to question whether you’re thoughtful or not.

All of these are instances of narcissism at work. If you start noticing that you are suddenly doubting yourself or your choices because of a new relationship, talk to someone about it. Try to get an objective opinion.

A list of the symptoms of narcissism… 

• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerating your achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
• Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
• Requiring constant admiration
• Having a sense of entitlement
• Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
• Taking advantage of others to get what you want
• Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
• Being envious of others and believing others envy you
• Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

I need to quickly say however that there are different subtypes of narcissism.

And then there’s abandonment… 

But here’s one woman’s explanation of how it felt to be abandoned by her narcissistic boyfriend:

“When I was there with him, and the special pool of light that he believed was on him also shone on me — the exciting and stimulating sense of an “us” was so strong, it was intoxicating. I was his everything at that moment. But when he decided someone else was to stand by him — his attention shifted, and I was to wait my turn — it felt chilly and cold, almost as if our relationship had never existed. When I was out, I was way out.”

She went on to say that this pattern repeated itself over, and over, until she came to the conclusion, “I had to accept this, if I wanted to be with him. He kept telling me it was all in my head.”

The narcissist doesn’t have the capability of supporting your perspective, and you’re likely to be someone who takes lots of responsibility for problems. He will let you take responsibility, and call you crazy in the meantime.

If this strikes a chord, then please consider the basis of your commitment. Maybe these three things will help:

• Ask him to join you in therapy.
• Don’t discount your own experience.
• Read books on narcissism and how you can stay in relationship in a healthy way.