Unrealistic Expectations and the 2 Patterns That Keep You Stuck in Depression

This is the final article in a five-part series about the most common mental mistakes that can lead to depression, keep you depressed, or make you more vulnerable to relapse. The five patterns are based on the work of Dr. Michael Yapko, an internationally known expert on depression.

In the fourth article, we focused on overgeneralization: taking one experience or one piece of information and treating it as proof of what will always happen.

The fifth mental mistake is holding onto unrealistic expectations.

This often means telling yourself that things would get better, or that you could move forward, if someone else would change or something else would happen.

The clear problem is that you may have absolutely no control over that “if.”

When your ability to let go of sadness, release shame, or begin moving out of depression depends on something outside your control, you can become trapped in helplessness and hopelessness, two major factors in depression.

 

The “magic” question that reveals unrealistic expectation…

Suicide-focused approaches such as the Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality, developed by psychologist David Jobes,  focuses on identifying and treating the specific “drivers” of suicidal thoughts.

“If you could magically change anything in your life that would stop these thoughts or feelings, what would it be?”

Your answer can reveal what feels most unbearable and what someone believes must change before life can become livable again. And at the same time, reveal unrealistic expectations that are vital to address.

I hope you’ve never been suicidal But for the sake of this discussion, you can ask yourself a version of that question to see how realistic or unrealistic you’re being.

How would you answer this question?

“If I could change one thing in my life, what do I believe would make me feel better, happier, more competent, or more attractive?”

Now look carefully at your answer.

Is it something you can realistically influence? Or does it sound more like some kind of hope for a magical ending?

The problem isn’t hope. Dreams and hopes are powerful. Think of the power of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech. Hope is often how we get through terribly difficult things, and for many people hope is intertwined with faith and prayer.

But hope is different from putting your life on hold while you wait for magic.

And there are two common answers to the “magic” question that might be keeping you stuck in your depression.

The role of unrealistic expectations in depression: when your answer requires changing the past

Imagine you’ve become depressed after being fired, and your answer is, “I’d be better if I’d never been hired.”

But you can’t change the fact that you were hired (or fired for that matter).  That’s the past and there is no undoing it.

Or after a divorce, “I’d feel less grief if I knew my children hadn’t suffered.”

You can’t dictate exactly how your children feel; they each have their own feelings to work through.

Your wishes are are understandable, but they depend on things you can’t and couldn’t control.

Depression can keep you focused on what you desire happened, instead of looking at what you can actually do now.

Catching others’ tendency to unrealistically blame you..

A personal example: I was fired from my first job as a therapist right out of graduate school.

It was horrible. I was blamed for what the organization called “an inability to maintain relationships with clients.” If I’d believed the only thing that could propel me forward professionally was somehow to not have been fired, I would’ve been completely stuck.

I did feel disgraced for a while. But I had to use the discriminating thinking we’ve discussed throughout this series and look honestly at what was true.

Some of the criticism was justified. I’d been assigned many parents with young children, even though I had very little experience working with that population and wasn’t yet a parent myself. I did lose some clients, and I needed to recognize that.

But other things were also true. I was in my mid-thirties, pretty much my own person, and clear about my values. For you see, that clinic was also doing some things that I’d noticed and pointed out to them – that I believed unethical. They wanted to hand all the responsibility for “not fitting” onto myself.

What was my answer?

I needed to find another job. And quickly. Which I did.

When you look back at a failure or mistake and wish it had never happened, remember that you can transform it into a learning experience. Frankly, I don’t know how to learn without making mistakes.

You’re no longer asking the past to change. You’re allowing what happened to inform what you do next.

The role of unrealistic expectations in depression: when your answer requires waiting for another person to change

Another unrealistic expectation that can keep you feeling helpless is the hope that someone you love, care about, or work with will miraculously change.

Maybe a family member has untreated mental illness and serious addiction issues. Every time you try to intervene, you get blamed and mistreated. Eventually, you back away because you’re tired of being hurt.

That’s understandable. Bad behavior has natural consequences, even when you can see that someone is struggling with an illness.

Or perhaps you’re an adult child who desperately wants a parent to become kinder, less self-centered, or more aware of the pain they cause.

I completely understand how helpless that can feel.

But in my experience, people don’t maintain important changes simply because those changes would please someone else. Love can absolutely motivate someone to begin changing. I see that all the time.

But for change to last, it usually has to become meaningful to the person making it. Their own life begins to improve. They feel better. The behavior becomes internally meaningful.

It’s time to stop waiting for magic

You can wish like hell that something were different. You can pray every day for change. You can love someone and continue hoping they’ll choose a healthier life.

But you don’t have to remain paralyzed by the belief that your life cannot move forward until they do.

Ask yourself:

“What do I actually have control over that I can do, say, or feel that is realistic and doable?”

That’s a great question.

If your immediate answer is “nothing,” that may be your depression talking.

A good therapist can help you recognize where past pain, a sense of failure, shock, or what feels like unbearable sadness has distorted your perspective. They can sit with you in that sadness or misery while helping you see the small movements that might be achievable.

The true magic isn’t changing the past or controlling another person.

It’s recognizing what is true, what is yours to do, and what small step remains possible.

By the way… 

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