You may not be able to imagine being sexually abused – and responding with sexual arousal.
But it happens. And it happens more frequently than you might think.
(Note: If you’ve been sexually abused, this article may trigger a response — memories, anxiety, nightmares. Please read with care.)
First let’s talk about the shame of the sexual abuse itself.
I can’t count the times that a patient has been looking out the window, their eyes unable to meet mine, as they quietly say, “I’m so embarrassed…I’ve never told anyone this.” And I begin to hear about sexual abuse. It’s usually not the first session — perhaps not even the third or fourth. But slowly, feeling safe and understood, I hear their shame. And the shame from sexual abuse can last far longer than any other damage; it seeps into your very being.
You fear what others might think if they knew. The rational side of you fights with the side that almost needs to believe that you had some sort of control. Because if you did? Maybe you could stop it in the future.
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Why take the shame on? You know that’s irrational…
You’re a grown woman raising children of your own. You can see their vulnerability and recognize that you were similarly a trusting child when your grandfather fondled you.
You’re a thirty year-old man who recognizes that you were drugged and then raped by two other guys, you remember, shudder and feel like there must have been something you could’ve done to stop it.
An attack was completely random on campus, but as a college girl, you can feel at fault for being too scared to scream. Or you were drunk and don’t remember all the details. You try to convince yourself, “I let it happen.”
Blaming yourself can be a way for you to feel more in control now, albeit not one that works long-term. Why doesn’t it work? Because you don’t deal completely with your anger. With your grief. And you can get stuck in shame.
Yet there’s another form of shame that is often kept silent…
John was twelve when his aunt and uncle took him to a camp in Missouri. The brochure he’d seen showed a big, husky man, grinning as he taught young boys how to ride horses, feed chickens, and learn about life on the farm. It looked so fun, and John couldn’t wait to get there.
With a dead look on his face, the now twenty-five year-old John described the horror of what had actually happened on that farm. It was the cover for a pornography factory. He and the other boys had been drugged, videoed, and made to do every kind of sexual act imaginable. He thought his aunt and uncle had known — and when they picked him up a week later, John never said a word.
Shannon had been at home, alone. It was a hot Wednesday afternoon, the same as other Wednesday afternoons. She lived out a bit from town, with neighbors close enough to see, but not close enough to get their attention easily. Her husband had left hours ago for work. She heard something, looked up, and saw a strange man standing in the door frame. He looked wild, like he was high on something.
Shannon was viciously raped.
Carly was five when her mother remarried. She adored her new stepfather, her own dad having disappeared after the divorce. So when he offered to help her with her bath, she held his hand, and followed happily. Bath time slowly became something she hated. The fondling didn’t begin all at once, but slowly evolved as part of her bath ritual.
Her mom would thank her stepfather every night for helping.
These are real stories. They join the many others I’ve heard of children being manipulated, dates gone terribly wrong, and sex forcibly taken by strangers or someone known.
When your body responds to sexual abuse with arousal…
But there can be another level of shame — a secret that wracks a victim’s soul. In all three of the above cases, the victims told me, incredibly slowly and painfully, that their bodies had responded. They had experienced arousal.
John hated his pubescent body for responding, irrationally believing that if it hadn’t, he could have achieved some control. Shannon was horrified that she’d experienced something close to orgasm, even though she had tried to fight off her attacker, and had been badly cut and bruised. Carly, a woman now, remembered “liking it,” but feeling “confused and bad.”
During what was the most awful experience of their lives, their nerve endings had acted as if what was happening was normal.
And they felt horribly ashamed.
It doesn’t happen all the time; there are many times I hear about sexual abuse or rape, and there’s no mention of any kind of arousal. But it does happen, more than it’s ever talked about.
Arousal is not consent. Pure and simple.
The confusion is that the abuse is horrific, frightening. So why is my body responding as if it were? What’s happening is horrible, invasive, criminal. You’re not enjoying what’s happening. Every part of your mind is screaming for it to stop.
Unfortunately, the body responding can create a shame that lingers far longer than the shame of the abuse itself, permanently entrenching itself in your gut and your soul. You may never tell anyone, feeling as if your body betrayed you and that you have even more to hide.
Abuse itself is hard enough to reveal. Most of the time, it’s not revealed at all. Often, family members who are supposed to love them are involved. It’s confusing. A victim will take countless showers, but cannot rid themselves of feeling “less than,” or hating their body.
Healing from sexual abuse...
Healing requires getting unhooked from any resulting shame you carry around with you. The process often involves identifying how being abused changed you, and how the abuse may still be affecting the choices you’re making in your life. You want to create a nurturing and respectful relationship with your body as well as recognize that being a victim of sexual abuse doesn’t define you.
Healing is having compassion and understanding for yourself and internalizing that, whether your body responded or not, it wasn’t consent.
Healing is recognizing that “fight” and “flight” are only two of the responses to assault. “Freeze” and “faun/fold” are two more that often are the only and even perhaps best ways to protect yourself.
Healing is realizing that carrying shame prolongs the power your perpetrator had over you. If you become angry, that very feeling can motivate you to confront whatever shame you absorbed.
Healing takes embracing that none of it was your fault.
If you’ve been sexually abused, please seek help. You can get immediate help online at the RAINN hotline. Other hotlines and resources can be found by clicking here.
Two books that are excellent resources: “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, and ‘The Courage To Heal” by Laura Davis.
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Originally published September 22, 2018; updated and republished on October 11, 2025..
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My mother used sexual abuse as a form of reward and to quiet me when I would get upset. She often did things that felt great. I didn’t have a clue that it was wrong. I acted out with another child and got caught when I was six. I remember feeling so confused by her mother’s horror. This abuse continued until I was in my twenties. I truly did not know that what was occurring between us was wrong. I have been through three decades of psychotherapy, and still I feel shame. I still have fantasies during sexual encounters where I am with my mom. It’s very confusing and saddening. I have read the courage to heal, and other stuff. Perhaps I will include a section in the book I am currently writing about the sexual abuse done to daughters by their mothers. It is something that is never talked about but should be. Not only that, the arousal that happens, that it is natural and not our fault. Thank you for your article.
I’m so touched that you’ve chosen to tell your story. What tremendous courage you’re showing. Abuse by females can definitely happen, either directly or by ignoring what’s going on, giving passive consent. I hope your book will help you do more healing as you write. Thank you.
I’m so glad you shared this. The shame of the pleasure is one of the very few things I’ve been unable to share. I suppose four people know my “whole” story, but no one knows this part. I don’t know who among that limited group could ever understand that element.
It is very difficult to reveal and work through, and the fear of the potential reactions of others can keep someone from telling their story. I hope that this article helps people understand the complexity of what can happen. Thank you for your own courage Linda.
I was sexually abused from age 4-17 by my stepfather, and as a result was hospitalized over and over for years (psych. hospitals). My abuser has come back into my life many, years later. I meet him and please him sexually. He still threatens me. I feel like this is the only way I can feel aroused. I feel tremendous shame. I know better. I want our sexual encounters in his car, mostly, to end but I don’t know how to stop it since it’s my choice and I get pleasure even when he’s violent. I hope I can overcome this situation.
First of all, you’re far from alone in this horrific dynamic. I’d ask you to look up CPTSD – or chronic (or complex) post traumatic stress disorder. Basically, when you’re once again treated the way the way you were in the initial trauma, your body and your mind returns to the original scenario – and you act accordingly. So, you say it’s your choice but is it really? The part about finding pleasure or being aroused – again that can be part of dissociation from the trauma itself. Your body is responding – and you may associate “pleasure” with violence. There are therapists who specialize in CPTSD. But simply reading about it and becoming more aware may help a lot. Please take care.
I still haven’t shared with my therapist that this happened to me. And I’ve been working with her for almost 5 years. I’m just too ashamed.
I’m so sad to read that you feel this way. I’ll share one experience with you, if that might be helpful. Years ago, a woman came in and shared with me a story about her father abusing her. A few sessions later, she shared, even more haltingly, what her father had made her do to her brother. She later said, “I feel so much better. Because when I told you – especially the second story – the “look” that for years I’d told myself I’d see on someone’s face “if I told them,” I didn’t see. I thought I’d see disgust. Or blame. The shame that I’d carried for years, I could begin to let go of.” I know it’s very hard. Please take care.