The Inner Victory of Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is an inner victory. 

You don’t see it. But you can feel it happening inwardly. It begins to pop out of your mouth without you realizing it’s grown into who you are. 

I wrote the following post several years ago and for some reason, never posted it. So here it is today!

Sometimes achievements are public. You win the prize. You get promoted at work. You’re recognized as Volunteer of the Year.

Those things can feel nice, although embarrassing for some. Affirmation feels pretty good.

But there are other, much more private achievements that reflect powerful inner change, that may never be known as such by others, never recognized as potent moments in your life. Only you know their importance. They’re what I call “inner victories.” Maybe someone who knows you very, very well would recognize them. They would know that you’ve beaten some struggle or another. Yet most of the satisfaction is in knowing what you accomplished in the light of where you’ve come from, and what how you had to change to get there.

As a 63 year-old woman, I’m facing the challenges all aging women face — not only what are physical challenges caused simply by wear and tear, but emotional ones that have to do with getting older in a world where aging stigma exists. Certainly there are ad campaigns using older and more diverse models. But I have to smile when I see the ads for aging creams… I rarely see a wrinkle anywhere, and that fact has nothing to do with the product.

I’ve always tried to challenge myself, and this whole aging thing is no different. In fact, it may be one of the harder challenges in life — to age and face much increased ambiguity, as well as mounting awareness of mortality.

 

Focusing on your inner victories in the “now”…

So what can help? How can you divert your attention from an unknown future, which may be frightening, to the present? To what you have control over now? To how you’re still growing and changing and living and loving?

I’m discovering that it’s through my own inner victories. It’s through looking at my emotional struggles, whatever has been hanging around for a few decades, and challenging those struggles once and for all. My mantra at 43 was, “If not now, when?” Even then, my own awareness of time passing had begun and I pushed myself to take some risks that I had been averse to taking. I tried out for some musicals. I got back on stage. Back then, it was about confronting the fear of rejection — of not being good enough.

My inner victory of self-acceptance…

But what about my personal mantra now? Twenty years has made a difference. It’s no longer as important about what others think. That was a long, hard battle which seems to be over, and is perhaps a true gift of aging.

It’s something like, “It’s time for deep self-acceptance, including both my vulnerability and strength.” It’s not about what others think. Rather, it’s about quieting whatever shameful voice there still lies in my head and in my heart. It’s about finding peace. That all sounds kinda fancy and awfully “healthy,” but it’s actually very simple when I put it to use.

And the change is happening at times I don’t even realize it. My mantra is making a difference.

What unplanned, spontaneous self-acceptance looks like…

For example, on my podcast the other day, I was talking about self-consciousness. And out of my mouth popped, “I’ve gained weight over the last year…” and then I went on to talk about being self-conscious. Even as I was saying it, I couldn’t believe my ears. I was telling people that I’d gained weight? On a podcast? It may not seem much to you — maybe body image has never been your issue. But I’d suffered with anorexia in my 20’s. I’ve struggled my whole life with body acceptance. All of that had been a closely-guarded secret. Yes, I’d blogged some about it more recently. But admitting now to weight gain, to thousands of listeners?

Then I had to smile. Unplanned, spontaneous self-acceptance was beginning to emerge. And it felt like growth. And change. A battle won.

A similar thing happened last week. I, this time with great intention, put a video of myself on Instagram, showing a difficult workout exercise I’d tried. There was me, with that extra weight on me remember, showing Instagram friends my sweaty but proud moment. That moment was more important than shame. That moment — the achievement in the present —  was more important than hiding. And the moment I actually chose to put it on Instagram? That was the most important moment of all.

When taking responsibility and self-acceptance coexist..

It’s not that I have no regrets about the past. I do, and always will wish I’d made better choices — not hurt those that I did. But the shame, the daily reminders of overly harsh expectations of myself, of trying to be the perfect anything — I’m ready for that to be gone.

Look for those things in yourself. Recognize those ideas and expectations that you’ve carried around with you for many years, and decide which ones you need to let go.

There can be healing in the present. In this moment. At 63 or any age.

And it’s time.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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