6 Ways to Challenge the Familiar Safety of Sameness

There’s a strong sense of safety in sameness, of being alike; having people around you who feel and seem to live exactly the same way you do.

In today’s post, Dr. Margaret talks about how sameness – how being alike – can offer you a sense of familiarity and safety. But there are also huge costs to seeking that sameness.

 

Becoming aware that “sameness” wasn’t real...

And as a child growing up in the 50’s and 60’s in a small Southern town, the world was a huge place that was so distant, I couldn’t even imagine it.

I had a vague sense that the world around me was far different than my own tiny world. And many were much worse off than me.

Boy, was I ever right. Except for the drills we did as a family during the Cuban missile crisis, I was mostly unaware of that danger. What was staring me in the face, however,  was the huge discrepancy between the neighborhoods in my hometown where white people lived – and where Black people lived, the latter obviously impoverished. And why in the world did we have separate waiting rooms at doctor’s offices? Why did the babysitter speak to the Black women who worked for my parents in such a rude way? I asked my mom not to hire her any more – and she didn’t.

But the question was never answered in a way that made sense to me.

People pick sameness out of fear…  

People do strange things out of fear. And we often fear what we don’t understand or what we think is going to do damage to us or those we love.

There’s a strong sense of safety in sameness; having people around you who feel and seem to live exactly the same way you do.

But I know the fear of differences can begin to run rampant, becoming an obsession. You can build walls to protect you and yours from those differences. Literal ones and figurative ones.

Having empathy and even gratitude for someone whose life has been very different from yours – who doesn’t look like you or act like you or believe like you – is much harder to do. And yet, I believe strongly that the effort to be grateful for those differences and learn from them – is vital for emotional maturity and healing conflict.

You can’t literally walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But you can try to understand why their walk has led them to the strengths and the struggles they have.

I see it with couples… all the time. They come into therapy often enraged about their differences, with one or both of them wanting me to label the other as “problematic” or “irrational.” And sometimes, that’s the case. But more often than not, I can understand both perspectives.

Here’s my point. And it’s a very simple one.

There’s so much you gain by listening to and learning from those who are different from you. 

You may feel safer with sameness, with what you’re accustomed to. There’s nothing innately wrong with that.

But where you can stretch, where you can grow, is to try and understand and respect differences. Maybe even seek them out.

What might that look like – to seek the unfamiliar? 

Here are some ideas that might take you a little time. But they could also begin teaching you about others’ who are different than you – and not being so frightened of those differences.

1. Adopt a less judgmental stance and better understand your decision-making process.

Rather than deciding right off the bat if something is “right” or “wrong,” give another way of looking at things, or talking about things, some room. What interests you about either decision: ask yourself , “Why do I think this is right?” Or “What do I think is wrong about this?” Question why you make the decisions you do.

 2. Realize you may not get the support for this search from others.

If you know someone that takes a vehement stand – no matter what the “side” – know they’ll likely not support you in trying to delve deeper into your own decision-making or behavior. That can be lonely. They may judge you for trying not be as judgmental in your own life.

 3.  Search for someone from the other “side” to talk with you.

One of my clients had more conservative views and sought out a friend whose views were more liberal. Why? Her daughter had come out as gay; they’d always been very close and she had much emotional work to do, given what she wanted for the future. They met several times – and she felt that she understood more after those talks.

 4. Those talks must be approached with mutual respect.

This may seem obvious. But if there’s no respect or caring, if the goal is to win some kind of battle, then the meetings will never lead to any sense of deeper understanding.

 5. Sit with what you’ve learned. And decide for yourself how to go forward.

This can be a lonely process, as I said before. It’s far easier to not decide for yourself, but to follow along with others. Because it feels safer. It’s simpler.

But I don’t think it truly leads anywhere that’s good – as I’m afraid our country (and many others) is finding out.

 6. Relish your rituals.

Be grateful for what’s safe and what provides ritual, often because they provide security. The rituals and beliefs themselves can offer comfort.

But try on being grateful for differences as well.

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