Victims, Savers and Persecutors: Which Are You

A victim, a saver, or a persecutor? Which are you?

If you struggle knowing, it’s probably because you’re unclear about how to have healthy boundaries in relationships.

A boundary is a limit, an edge, where one thing stops and another begins.

But what in the world does that word mean when it comes to relationships?

 

The roles of victim and saver…

A while back I read “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach To Living A Good Life.” The author is Mark Manson. He’s a mega-blogger, a self-made guru, with millions reading his relationship advice. As I hopscotched through his repetitive use of the f word… (which I expected, given the title of the book…), I was struck by his wisdom and it’s apparent that many people like his very direct, common-sense, albeit expletive-filled delivery.

He made two important points about boundaries and healthy relationships. One, you’ve got to take responsibility for yourself in a good relationship, meaning you claim your strengths and your weaknesses. And two, you don’t want or expect your partner to fix whatever problems you have. The boundary? What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours. You care that the other person is struggling or in pain, you empathize and help, but you understand and acknowledge that you can’t fix it. That’s something only they can do.

He divides people into victims and savers; this is similar to what’s described as the Karpman Drama Triangle in psychology. With conflict, there are heroes (“I”ll save you!”), victims (“Help me!”), and persecutors (“It’s your fault!”). When this triangle exists, each person can play all three roles and in so doing, become addictively drawn to each other. The relationship then becomes a dramatic, off-the-charts roller-coaster. Victims don’t take responsibility for themselves, savers take care of things in order to feel loved, and persecutors show up when you get desperate.

What would be healthier? 

Manson points out: “The victim, if he really loved the saver, would say, ‘Look, this is my problem; you don’t have to fix it for me. Just support me while I fix it myself‘…. If the saver really wanted to save the victim, the saver would say, ‘Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems; deal with this yourself.'”

I couldn’t agree with him more.

Let’s look at this as the victim…

• If you’re a victim, someone setting a boundary with you can trigger tremendous insecurity.

If someone says to you, “I can’t be as available to you” or “I’m not going to choose to be part of something that’s destructive,” (basically stepping out of “saver” role), you can feel tremendous uncertainty, as if you’re being abandoned.

• As a victim, your defensiveness can be intense and you may attack, adopting the persecutor role.

“What do you mean you can’t be available? I’ve never asked you to do any of the things you do. I’ll be fine without you.”

“What are you saying — that you get to decide when we talk about something and when we don’t? Who do you think you are?”

• Or you can become even more of a victim that you were before.

“What do you mean you won’t be available? You know this is the worst time of my life, I’ve never needed you more.”

“What do you mean “destructive?” You’re the one person who understands how hard it is for me to try to quit drinking.”

“I’ll die if I can’t talk to you.”

All of these reactions to setting healthy boundaries are emotional escalations. The basic message? “I’m not going to allow this relationship to change.” You’re upping the psychological ante, though you’re not necessarily doing it consciously.

Manson continues: “People with strong boundaries are not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument, or getting hurt. People with weak boundaries are terrified of those things and will constantly mold their own behavior to fit the highs and lows of their relational emotional roller coaster.”

Yep. And yep.

How you can begin to identify your role… 

When I have a saver or a victim in my office, I’ll offer a scenario and ask what they’d predict someone who has healthy boundaries might do.

“You walk up to a park bench. On one end of the bench there’s someone sobbing, almost uncontrollably. On the other, there’s someone who is dabbing their eyes with a Kleenex, obviously sad. You know for a fact that they are upset about a normal, every day type of disappointment or frustration and not a major life trauma. Who would someone with healthy boundaries tend to approach?”

Both the saver and victim almost always say, “The one who’s sobbing uncontrollably.”

Yet if you’re not a victim or a saver, you’d likely go to the person crying quietly. Why? You’d sense that they had at least some capability of soothing themselves and were thus far more likely to be able to receive any help that you might be able to offer.

Healthy people are more comfortable helping someone who can and wants to help themselves. 

Here’s the realization. The saver may then look at me, somewhat astonished, and experience the beginning of the realization of the pattern. “I’d feel guilty if I didn’t help. But I always feel guilty that I’m not doing enough” A victim may begin to realize the impact of their expectations and neediness, and ask, “So, how do I learn how to soothe myself?”  

And change has begun. That’s the gift of insight. It helps you see a connection, a road that you’ve never been down. You can choose to change the road you’re on.

If you’re a saver, you can begin to recognize your own value, apart from what you do for others. If you’re a victim, you can begin to create new skill sets, and develop habits that bring a sense of self-competence and self-sufficiency.

It takes time, but it can be done.

As a recovering saver, I ought to know.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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Originally published on March 10, 2018; updated and republished on June 29, 2024.