Thanksgiving Leftovers

It really hurt again today, my NestAche. Having him back for a whole week for Thanksgiving was like having him back. Really having him back. Fall break was just a couple of days so I didn’t get used to it – this was like getting being a mom back into my whole being. Laundry, lots of food, hugs, the den incredibly messy, “mom what do you think of this” as he played the newest song he had learned on guitar, and then out the door not to be seen until the next morning. Like not just seeing a picture of a beloved place, but being there; smelling the smells, tasting the tastes, the whole kit and caboodle.
And now he is gone again and I am ripped out of that place. I comfort myself with thoughts that are mostly comparisons of worse pain. I tell my patients not to do what I am doing but I am still doing it. Like “it could be worse – he could be unhappy”, “he could have a disability and not be able to go to college” etc. So I stop that. I know it could be worse – it can always be worse. It still hurts.
It was a strange enough feeling when your kid was in high school and he was meeting all these people that you heard about from time to time but never met. Gone was the “well I have to talk to their parents before you can do that….”. That control was gone a long time ago. I was accustomed to hearing my son groan when I couldn’t keep names straight or the countless times we would bicker because he was sure he had told me something and that obviously I was just getting too old to remember. There is some kind of fancy psychological term for this – but basically your kid is pulling away, detaching from the centrality of mom and/or dad. Perhaps the worst of that last year was the hounding about writing those damn essays for college applications. I said at the time : “this does not bring out the best in our relationship”, trying to put it nicely. Frankly it was pretty awful and we had an easy kid.
At least that was hands on. This is hands off. Or hands ready if needed? Something like that.
When we got home from the airport, I went up to his room to see if I could still smell him on the pillow. I still do that sometimes with my mom’s stuff who has been dead for almost five years; I will get out an old coat of hers and reach for her handkerchief in the pocket that I have kept there, smell it and see if I can still smell her. Smell must be my thing….
Sure enough, I can but that just makes me cry. Smell him on the pillow I mean. So I let myself do that. I just miss him and am going to miss waking him up and hearing him… okay enough of that. Time to comfort myself with the first of many hot turkey sandwiches, which by the way, was perhaps the best ever. Twenty-two pounds of bird is a lot of bird so plentiful leftovers – the yummy kind.

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Margaret, thanks for posting about your blog on FB. I am enjoying reading it very much. I do the smell thing, too. I smell my husband’s pillow when he is out of town on business – it gives me the feeling that he is closer than he really is. And after mom died, I put some of her things in Ziploc bags hoping to keep the smell for a bit longer, but it’s been 20 years and there hasn’t been any discernible smell for a long, long time. Now, I just take a sniff of Arpege at the perfume counter. Looking forward to reading more.
If you think letting go of child gets easier…I have
news for you!!! Good relationships with our children
as they grow up is so wonderful, but not inducive to
cutting ties.
I don’t wish to discourage you, but just wait until you
have grandchildren..WOW – now there is a love that has
no description.
The big plus is that when they are happy we are happier
than they….sadly though…when the hurt – we hurt more.
We are so lucky to have children whom like us, huh?
Love your writing dr m!! I’m getting a glimpse into the inner workings of a beautiful and complex and brilliant women! Thank you for sharing so that we may also visit our nest ache and fell the fullness of being alive! I look forward to what’s to come.
Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it very difficult to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to begin. Do you have any points or suggestions? Thank you|
Hi – would be glad to. Why don’t you get on my Facebook page and I will send a detailed message!