Surviving Wars Within: A Memorial Day Tribute To All Veterans

 

This Memorial Day holiday is a time for remembering those who’ve protected us from harm.

My dad (the young man on the right) rarely talked about the war. He served in the Philippines. WWII.  He loved telling a story about letters my mother (then his girlfriend) wrote – letters that he cherished and anticipated with great delight.  She would carefully number each one in her beautiful script. But, one day, he discovered that a number had been skipped. 32, 33…35.

He scoured the island for that letter.

Mother admitted years later that she’d never written it, perhaps going out to a dance or flirting with some other beau instead of dutifully writing my dad. It happened more than once, and drove Dad crazy.

Mother would smile in her chair, as he teasingly regaled us with one more rendition of the story.

He would also show us the bullet wound in his leg — the piece of shrapnel he kept in his jewelry case.  And he would make jokes about being wounded.

The serious stuff? The fear? What it’s like to see people die beside you?

Dad never talked about it, at least with me. I asked a couple of times, and he’d pretty much ignore the topic.

Surviving Wars Within…

I’ve had a glimpse of  how it feels to come home from battle, now occurring in the Middle East. I’ve been honored to try to help a few veterans with that process — some of course struggling with PTSD — having flashbacks and nightmares, startling easily, staying hypervigilant to any sign that there’s danger, being emotionally agitated or emotionless. Weaving yourself back into normal life can be tremendously difficult. But there seem to be factors that have nothing to do with the actual trauma experienced that can predict whether or not PTSD develops.

Having good friends, having people who care about you and support you is vital.

Yet how do you support someone who’s going through or gone through what you haven’t? All you can do is try — try to understand trauma that you’ve not experienced — to be there if someone does choose to talk, and support your veteran getting the help they need. You can also support causes like  the Wounded Warrior Project, Fisher House, or other support groups that can lend a hand.

For 15% of veterans, PTSD is a constant struggle. Theirs is a war within.

When veterans return home, we make a big deal out of it. But then, we move on with our lives.

Their lives may have changed forever.

This is true of all trauma. After a horrific car crash, going through a life-threatening surgery, or being attacked, it can seem that your job is to pick up where you left off, and live. Yet you aren’t the same person. Your experience has changed you. You don’t perceive things like you did before. You may not feel a connection with others that meant a lot to you, or whose company you enjoyed. Your values may have changed. Whether it’s coming home from war, the death of a child, a rape, or a school shooting, tragedy, fear, pain and loss have altered your thinking.

The task is no longer to physically survive. Emotional survival becomes the goal.

Maybe that’s why Dad didn’t talk. It was his way of surviving. He stayed as detached from the memories as he could.

But he did talk with other vets. A fellow soldier wrote a book, and featured some stories about my dad. (Sadly, I can’t find the book or I’d share the title.) A short reference, but he was in there. His face lit up when he talked about it, and he eventually called the author. They had a long, private conversation.

I was so happy that he got that chance.

This weekend, let’s all remember the people that have served to protect us.

And thank them. For what they talk about.

And all that they don’t.

“Doc” Shauna Springer is an expert on the treatment of PTSD for the military and first responders. To hear Dr. Margaret’s podcast episode with her, just click here.

If you’re a veteran or know of one who might be suffering with depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, please know that there are resources to help at the VA.  Click here for the link.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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Originally published on May 24, 2014; updated and republished on May 26, 2023.