Seven Ways To Get Back To Being “In Love”

Being in love. It’s giddy. It’s unique.

You feel as if each breath you take away from your new love is painful; and then everything feels right when you’re again together. It’s a beautiful experience.

And… it’s normal for that feeling to fade. Yet sadly for some, it can seem unredeemable.

“I still love her, but I’m not in love with her any more.”

“I don’t remember when I stopped loving him that way. But it’s gone and I can’t imagine getting it back.”

Many couples remain together for any number of reasons. Money. The kids. Habit. Religious beliefs. Fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think. An addiction to the bitter fighting of an emotional rollercoaster.

Sometimes it’s even as simple as pure inertia.

There’s one question whose answer may seem brutal, but may also help you discover what’s underneath the unraveling of the love that was there. And point you to what, if anything, you can do or want to do about it.

 

“Knowing all the things you know now, would you choose your partner today? If so, why? Or if not, why not?”

How would you answer that question?

Here are seven different answers you might give to that question – and seven other considerations that might help you see hurdles for wanting to continue to choose the partner you have.

“There’s been too much water under the bridge, and I’m resentful.” 

Forgiveness is essential in a long-term relationship. But f you’re blinded by the past, which is at the core of resentment, there’s absolutely no way you can see the effort or the good in the present. And bitterness? All it will do is kill your own soul.

“She poured everything she had into the kids. I’ve worked my ass off. Now, we’ve grown apart.” 

Have you always put the children or work first? This is a common and easily justifiable mistake – of course the family needs money, and of course, the kids are important.

Those are valid everyday concerns but when they’re used as excuses to put off tending to your relationship, they become problematic. Marriage can’t take a back seat or it will die a slow death.

“I think I’d be happier alone. I’m so tired of feeling unhappy.”

Could you be blaming your partner for things that you’ve not addressed in yourself? Maybe you haven’t confronted trauma from your past, or your life seems purposeless, or you’re  struggling with getting older.

Affairs are frequently about believing that someone else holds the power to make your life what you’ve always thought it could be. Well…guess what? You actually hold that power within yourself; no one else.

Comparing your life to others on social media mistake is also a big, big mistake. Posts and reals and stories aren’t reality. You see the highlight reel — not the actual movie.

“We haven’t even touched each other in months. In fact, maybe years.”

Lust/love was new and exciting. Now intimacy may be more intentional, scheduled, or it may not be happening at all. There are plenty of folks who are too worn out from their daily lives to even hold one another platonically, let alone intimately. It may be difficult at first, even embarrassing or clumsy, but it’s possible to rekindle that connection.

“There’s just no joy between us. We used to laugh so much.”

I’ve listened to many people struggle and fight during a therapy session. But when they can still laugh about something, I feel much more optimistic about whether or not they’ll make it. There’s something positive between them, a connection that contains a lightness and speaks to shared history.

All work and no play is no good. And laughter is so much a part of connection.

“It’s like we’re living parallel lives. My partner doesn’t even know me anymore.”

What are the two of you about? Where is your sense of partnership?

It’s pivotal to share something outside of parenting. Whether it’s work in your community, in your culture, in a church, or in your own lives such as a hobby or sport…working together – making a difference together – is a powerful bonding opportunity. You’ll find common purpose – and that bond feels good.

“I’m ready to feel appreciated again!”

If you’re focused on what’s not there any more, you’ll miss what what is there — the deeper understanding and value of years together.

You’ve had experiences that have de-romanticized your partner. You’ve seen them throw up. You know that irritating sound that happens when they eat. You can almost imitate the way they blow their nose in the morning. You’ve watched as the other one pouted, got mad over something inconsequential, or seemed to deliberately pick a fight with you. Or you’ve seen yourself do the same.

They’ve lost that rock-star quality because you’ve both been through the nitty gritty together. Yet the very depth of that shared experience is irreplaceable and far more of a treasure that the rock-star glam.

But it can’t be new again. It simply can’t.

So, what would cause you to marry your partner all over again? Even knowing what you know now?

I hope you find answers that warm your heart.

 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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First published on April 21, 2018; updated and republished on January 26, 2025.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First published on April 21, 2018; updated and republished on July 9. 2022.