Seven Steps To Avoid The Dreadful “Who’s Working Harder” Battle

Are you and your parenting partner battling about “who’s working harder?”

When my son was a three year-old and “No!” was his favorite expression, my husband and I decided upon a strategy to cope with how draining parenting could be.

We banned the word “tired” from our vocabulary. Of course, we came up with various ways of hinting about it… “I’m extremely fatigued” or “I’m totally zonked out”. And hopefully the other would laugh.

Hopefully.

But why did we go to all this trouble to avoid one simple word?

 

The Who’s Working Harder Battle

We were trying to avoid the argument of  “who’s working harder.” What does that fight sound like? (See if you hear yourself…)

“I go to work every day. Then come home and work some more. I do everything around here.”

“You don’t understand how hard it is to be with kids all day long. You get to go to lunch with people – with adults.” 

And perhaps the most damaging –  both to the couple and to the kids..

“It’s your job to take care of the kids. I have a real job that I go to every day.”

What’s underneath the “who’s working harder” argument?

A myriad of often unexpressed feelings lie underneath this fight. Pressure, fear, anxiety, loneliness…even jealousy. But often you don’t take the time – or even have the time – to dig up what’s underneath.

Instead, you feel attacked. And attack back.

Parenting – good parenting – is hard work. While it brings a sense of fulfillment found no where else, it’s still a  continuous, non-stop effort. And you don’t know if you’re truly successful until they’re much older.  Children are little black holes of need. And if you have children who may not be able to reach the once-dreamed of markers, it can be even tougher.

You can feel totally lost in the difficulty of it, especially if you feel alone.

Seven steps to being vulnerable with your partner… 

So, what would it be like to actually talk about those feelings?

What might that sound like?

“I’m needing a little reassurance from you.”

“I worry that we’ve got too much going on. The kids are on their iPads all the time.”

“I’m afraid my job is taking over my life. And I feel like I’m not present with the kids.” 

You may not be partnered with someone who’d naturally think of having this kind of conversation. Or maybe you struggle yourself with revealing such vulnerability.

Here are seven steps that may help you avoid falling down the rabbit hole of blame and defensiveness.

1. Talk about talking. Set up the conversation for success before you actually begin it. You can even state this out loud, “I don’t want to argue with you. What I do want is for us to have a different kind of conversation. We have the same goal and that’s what is important.”
2. Take responsibility for your part. Gently point out that both of you can get angry or blaming.  “I don’t want to come across as angry at all here; I know sometimes I come across that way and I’m sorry.”
3. Admit that you don’t show gratitude enough. Many of us don’t; it can be a struggle to remember to do so, “I do appreciate all that you do, even though I often forget to say it.”
4. Talk mostly about yourself, not your partner. Use “I’ statements, “I can feel neglected when I don’t hear feedback that I’ve done a good job.”
5. Ask questions.  Rather than pontificating about what you think. Invite your partner to do better, hopefully appealing to their desire to parent well. “How do you think we could better handle the next parent-teacher conference?”
6. Reveal your own vulnerability, and invite your partner to do the same. “I sometimes feel like I’m failing our kids, failing our marriage, failing at all of the things that are most important. Do you ever feel that way?”
7. Set the stage to make decisions together. You’re saying you value the partnership. “Let’s make a plan to make sure that we both feel acknowledged and appreciated.  Even if it’s just a hug and a ‘thank you.'”

These steps can work for many couples.  It may be a little awkward at first, and may even deteriorate into the same old pattern.

But you can keep trying, using all seven steps. Put all together, it might sound something like this:

“Sometimes when we try to talk about the kids, I know I get mad and want credit for what I’m doing — and sometimes I feel that you do too. It’s hard to risk hearing that you may not agree with me about something, because I’m worried or scared. I want to get to a place where I let you know that I respect you, and even thank you more for what you do. And it would feel good to get that back. But I’d like to talk about Aaron’s dyslexia (or whatever the topic might be…), and try to be more open about what you’re saying, and you be open to me. Would you be willing to do that?” 

Kindness and respect can go a long way toward making both of you feel competent as parents and partners.

Because you’re both. A parent… and a partner.

 

You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

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Originally published on November 11, 2017; updated and republished on January 8, 2023.

Photo by Emma Bauso.