Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you’ve never deserved… but carried with you. And it’s time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they’re flawed and were absorbed by you as a child.

  • You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
  • You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
  • You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
  • You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
  • You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
  • You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
  • What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
  • You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
  • You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
  • You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and he’s become overly reclusive. But it sounds as if his biggest impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them which is self-sabotaging to the work. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

So please come with me today in this episode sponsored by AG1, as we discuss 10 sources of shame – and of course, what you can do about it…

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens – now AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp”s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Mathias Reding.

SelfWork 293: Ten Common Birthplaces of The Shame You Never Deserved… But Carried With You via @doctormargaret

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