Self-Control versus Self-Acceptance

I want to talk today about the role of self-control versus self-acceptance in your life.

Which one do you think is most important?

Many of you may have created a goal that was about getting control over something in your life – a way of beginning a new year with determination. That’s a worthy goal. But I was reminded a couple of years ago of just how little control we actually have – and how self-acceptance can also be vitally important.

I was facing a surgery for a benign tumor in my parotid gland (a salivary gland). I was assured by my surgeon that he was 97.5% sure there was no malignancy, and it was fantastic when that was confirmed.

There’d been other potential complications that I also managed to escape. I didn’t lose any ability to communicate which was a grave concern. This would’ve drastically changed my life – as it would anyone. I tried hard to stare that fear in the face. I came down to the belief (which wasn’t tested, I realize) that if that was what life was going to bring me, I’d try to face it courageously.

So how did this change, even strengthen, what I believe is important about self-control versus self-acceptance?

Quite a bit.

There’s so much we cannot control. So it dismays me that so much emphasis is put on getting in control or needing more control.

This may sound contradictory to you since I often as well talk about looking for what you have control over, rather than worrying or spending emotional energy on what you cannot.

 

“I Need to Get In Control!!!!” 

A program. A pill. Changing a daily habit. Believing that you’ve got to whip yourself into a mindset of ultimate control – hearing the “Rocky” music in your ears from when you rise until you crash.

Change doesn’t begin with shame.

Let me say that again. Change doesn’t begin with shame.

“I hate that I….”. “I should never have let myself get……”. “I’ll never fit in unless I…”. “Why am I so far behind….?”. “What’s wrong with me that I can’t do what …. is doing?” “I hate that I’m so anxious….’ “This is the year I’ve got to….”

Do-able change begins with self-acceptance in the moment. Accepting where you are, how you got there, as well as recognizing your strengths and your vulnerabilities that all make you – you.

You start from acceptance.

What does self-acceptance sound like?

“I can go up one flight of stairs. (Not 17).”

“I am not going to hate myself for being anxious. I’m going to accept that I’m anxious and begin to compassionately understand and work with it.”

“I’m not going to compare myself – instead I’m going to be inspired by others and realize they also have struggles.”

“I’ll look for where I fit in now. I’ll be more of a friend, while recognizing how and why that’s been hard in the past.”

If you have set goals for the new year, that’s completely fine. But please start with compassion and maintain a sense of self-acceptance. Take small steps toward the path you want. Realize that trying to seize control – to push and pull and tug yourself into a space where you’ll find acceptance – isn’t going to work long-term.

Why not?

Self-hatred will find another target, no matter your “success.” 

Maybe you need to learn this lesson again. Maybe you’ll feel the need to “get control”  Maybe you’ll do exactly the opposite of what I’m suggesting and you’ll tug as hard as you can to change what you despise in yourself.

If you wake up to inner voices of self-disdain or self-loathing, voices that pummel you with shame, no matter what change you make, no matter how much self-control you muster, your self-hatred will find another target.

Because self-hatred is the real problem.

 

 

 

 

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

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Photo by Tomas Anunziata.

Originally published on January 1, 2023; updated and republished on February 16, 2025.