Can Perfectionism Be Fatal?

Do any of the following ring familiar to you?”

I have…

• an inner constant critical voice whispering, “I’ll never be enough”,
• the need to seem in control,
• a sense of over-responsibility,
• an inability or great difficulty with expressing emotional vulnerability,
• the tendency to chastise myself if I’m not counting my blessings,
• the habit of being there for others while not allowing anyone to see too much of who I am?

These are all traits of perfectly hidden depression. Something happened much earlier in your life – in your family or your culture – and you coped with it through adopting a tight, inner emotional control through seeming “fine” and seeking success. 

But it doesn’t end there.

 

Can perfectionism be fatal?

The New York Times quotes Gordon Flett, a lead researcher of perfectionism and co-author of the new book, Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to Conceptualization, Assessment and Treatment, as saying, “It’s natural for people to want to be perfect in a few things, say in their job — being a good editor or surgeon depends on not making mistakes. It’s when it generalizes to other areas of life, home life, appearance, hobbies, that you begin to see real problems.”

Why is this so scary? Because if you’re perfectionistic, you’re likely also really good at hiding pain. And careful planning. 

At some point the end can no longer justify the means.

Cheslie Kryst, a former model and Miss USA, jumped to her death in Manhattan in 2022. Her life, that had seemed so perfect to others, had grown too painful to live. Her mother followed her wishes, and published her daughter’s writings, By The Time You Read This.

She wanted you to know the unbearable pain and pressure of seeming perfect.

In my book, Perfectly Hidden Depression (which has now been translated into many languages), offers you over 60 reflections or exercises to carefully begin learning to let go.

There are stages of healing… 

First, you have to identify a problem as a problem before you can change it. You have to become conscious of your true internal experience.

Commitment to this process is next, as your perfectionism has kept you safe.  Your perfectionism can raise its head in strange ways, through impatience, intense self-criticism, or pushback from others. 

Almost simultaneously, the third step is taking shape; you can confront irrational beliefs and rules that no longer lead you to thrive as an adult. They may instead be holding you back and distorting the boundaries of what you believe is possible.  

The fourth step is to connect with your emotions, perhaps long unrecognized, ignored, or blatantly denies. Trauma may be present in your history, or some kind of childhood learning or experience that created the need to avoid or deny painful feelings. Your goal is to unravel emotions that have been over-compartmentalized and stuffed away for many years. (If this struggle becomes too intense, then reaching out to a trauma professional isn’t only suggested, it’s needed.)

Think about the old game of Pick Up Sticks or the more recent one, Jenga. The strategy to win involves careful assessment of what stick or what Jenga piece you can remove without the entire thing crashing down around you. If you’re hiding your depression, you’re facing this very challenge. You decide where to begin the change, and slowly and with compassion for yourself, take down the persona, piece by piece, and replace it (or reconstruct it) with a healthier, more open, and more vulnerable, self.

Those risks lead to the fifth step, Change. Change in what you do, in what you say, in what you feel — who you are — which is where you get your hope. You can see that you aren’t trapped by your past, and that you can look ahead to greater self-acceptance, as you recognize the power of vulnerability and emotional openness.

I hear words like this from my clients who are experiencing subtle and not so subtle changes in this choices and actions. 

“Well, this isn’t really a big deal, but I stopped myself from changing the subject, like I might have done before. Instead, I told my husband I was getting mad. I actually told him how I was feeling,” 

Here’s another example. “This may not really matter all that much, but I looked at some old pictures last week. I was six. The first thought I had was how many mistakes that child would make — how it would be better if he could stay a child. Why is that the thing that comes to mind?”  And tears came to his eyes. You can hear the growing awareness of highly critical perfectionism, and you can feel the sadness that connection brings.

Please consider taking these steps. They might ultimately save your life.

If you wonder where you might fit on the PHD spectrum, please take this questionnaire. 

 

 

You can hear more about creating change and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Originally published on November 8, 2019; updated and republished on November 28, 2021.