Perfectly Hidden Depression: How Do You Risk Opening Up?
Even though people with Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD) are actively masking their pain, with enough stress, defenses start to break down.
The mask that you wear on a daily basis — the one that hides vulnerabilities and secrets that you keep — is slipping.
Pain starts leaking out from the recesses of your mind.
There’s a realization this is happening. What used to work isn’t working anymore. You’re feeling more and more out of control. Anxiety, or even panic, can feel like it’s gripping your chest. Simple breathing becomes difficult.
“I had stopped on the side of the road, on the way to work. I had a gun in my mouth when my wife texted me. She had sensed something that morning.”
“I was about to drive into a semi. But then I saw the driver’s eyes. I knew he would believe he had killed me. I couldn’t do that to another human being — I couldn’t hurt him like that.”
These people with PHD woke up. They had to admit that the way they were living their lives was too painful to bear.
But coming close to suicide can’t be the standard we have — to give someone permission to admit the loneliness and emptiness they feel.
One of the problems can be that someone with PHD, who is a master “giver,” has established relationship with people that are good “takers.” That’s what really good givers do — they attract really good takers. The relationship swirls around the problems or the feelings of the taker. It’s not necessarily the fault of the taker; they are enjoying the attention. They might not even realize that the giving skew is heavily weighted in their direction.
Or they might realize it, and not care. Or need someone taking care of them, in some way.
The one with PHD can safely hide, knowing that they’re won’t be too many questions coming their way.
But what happens when the person with PHD realizes that it’s time for them to allow someone in? They don’t want to become suicidal before doing something about their real pain.
Who do you count on — to be there for you? Who do you trust enough to let them discover who you really are?
I’ve asked this question of countless people. I ask them to look around in their lives, and let their instinct — their gut — lead them to one person in their world who might seem like they would listen. They would not only listen, but they’d support and understand.
Sometimes, there’s no one. I, at least for a while, as their therapist, will have to stand in that position.
Other times, when they really stop and think, there’s one person who comes to mind. Someone who seems to accept themselves well, can laugh about their vulnerabilities, or aren’t trying to be someone they’re not.
Find the one person who’s worthy of the risk of revealing yourself, and you’re on your way.
But what’s most important to remember?
[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#perfectlyhiddendepression”]You are worthy of the risk of being known for who you really are.[/tweetthis]
This potential confidante may or not be in your closest circle of friends. In fact, they’re probably not. A healthier person is aware of the percentage of giving and taking that belongs in a good relationship, and would do their best to ensure it’s fairly even. All your attention on others, all your giving (and not being able to receive) would have seemed strange to them — maybe even have been off-putting.
So how do you approach?
Ask them to meet somewhere privately with you. Tell them you have something to talk about that’s really difficult, and you’d like for them to listen. Set the meeting up for success.
Then, risk.
It may feel like you’re breaking a thousand rules. You may hear your mother’s critical voice, “Don’t air your dirty laundry in public,” or your father’s screaming, “You don’t appreciate all I’ve done for you.” You may sound awkward to yourself. You may start out by saying, “I really feel funny talking to you. I have so many blessings in my life.” Stop yourself and start over, and don’t discount the importance of your own hurt and pain. It will be hard to be honest.
All of that is okay. The only rule you’re breaking is the one that’s kept you disconnected.
Unknown — and alone.
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I’ve never heard of PHD before Dr. Margaret. This is such a helpful post. I used to be a practised ‘people pleaser’ and ‘giver’…. I think they’re relatively interchangeable, do you agree? I learned, after a very traumatic and dangerous relationship that boundaries are important, and I learned to set them more firmly. I also learned that as a ‘giver’, I was also sometimes a ‘rescuer’ and trying to change someone. I thought that if I ‘helped’ them enough they would be able to get past their addictions and abusive behaviour. If I was ‘nice’ enough for long enough, then surely they’d see the light and change. I also learned that this is a form of control, as I was trying, through my ‘giving’ to change them. I now pretty much let people be who they are, and walk away if who they are isn’t a positive influence in my life. Learning to ‘let go’ when I need to has changed my life! Sorry…. got off track there! A good therapist saved me many years ago. It took a while, but her steadfast guidance out of that relationship and the aftermath was critical to my healing. I’m always an advocate for being proactive and getting to someone who can help if you can’t find the way yourself.
Your comment about giving versus rescuing is right on target Linda as far as my conception of PHD is concerned. It’s a term I’ve coined to describe a group of behaviors that are often found together and work to keep depression hidden. Thanks so much!
Wonderful post, I’m sure so many people can identify themselves here in this diagnosis.
That’s been my experience thus far Rosemund. Thanks for reading!
Your comment about giving versus rescuing is right on target Linda as far as my conception of PHD is concerned. It’s a term I’ve coined to describe a group of behaviors that are often found together and work to keep depression hidden. Thanks so much!
This is fascinating, Margaret. While I’ve suffered on and off from depression in the last five years, I know it’s not been PHD, and I don’t hesitate to see a therapist for “a tuneup.” Never heard of PHD, but it explains someone I know and why they choose the friends they do. Brenda
PHD is a word, or a term, I coined two years ago Brenda. It’s not a diagnosis, per se. It’s a group of behaviors that can be found together frequently, and act to mask depression. Thanks for reading and commenting. It means a lot.
Wonderful post, I’m sure so many people can identify themselves here in this diagnosis.