When Loneliness Feels Safe: Perfectly Hidden Depression

Can loneliness actually feel safe to some people? Dr. Margaret focuses on the relationship between loneliness and perfectly hidden depression.

Because yes… it can.

Let me paint a picture for you. You’re someone who stays quite busy. Every day is filled to the brim with things you need to get done. You take on lots of responsibility. You’re the classroom mom. Or the lawyer vying to make partner. You’re the pastor who spends hours working on each sermon. Or the volunteer who practically runs the show for the local food bank.

You look as if you’re thriving. And yet… there’s something you keep under wraps. You guard secrets or emotional pain, keeping it tucked far away where no one can even sense its presence.

You keep your fear, confusion, and sadness well hidden from others, and perhaps even from yourself. 

So, if you were asked, “Do you ever feel lonely?” You’d likely answer, “What do you mean… lonely? Gosh no. My life is so busy, I don’t have time to be lonely!”

Maybe you’ve become accustomed to loneliness, to not having intimate connection with others.  

 

Different causes of classic loneliness… 

Gretchen Rubin in this Psychology Today article outlines seven types of loneliness – or they could be considered causes of loneliness.

Let’s go over them.

“New situation loneliness” can happen to us all when we start a new job, a new school, or enter a time in our lives when we have very little if any experience with what we’re surrounded by. It’s why people refuse to walk into a gym or go to a party. There’s built-in anxiety that can keep you from realizing that everyone had a “first time” and likely, every person at the party is self-conscious in some way.

“I’m different loneliness” can happen when you’re in an environment where the people around you seem or are very different than you in some way. There’s everything from awkwardness to feeling even unwelcome.

“No sweetheart loneliness” is pretty self-explanatory. It’s when you desire a close relationship or even a really good friendship. And it doesn’t exist. That yearning can take over to such an extent that you can even battle with a sense of worth. Or course, this can also occur after the death of a partner.

“No animal loneliness” is one that she stresses. As there are some people that are “animal people” and have to keep animals around them, to love, to take care of, and act as their companion.

“Untrustworthy friends loneliness” can happen when someone you’ve trusted in the past disappoints you or that truly hurt you.

“Quiet presence loneliness” is intriguing to think about. We tend to think about connection with others as laughing, sharing experiences, spending time together. But there are people in our lives often that have served as more of a quiet presence that you may not even realize until it’s gone. Someone we count on seeing – or have seen almost every day – but wouldn’t count as a “friend.” But you’re glad to see them.

But her last one fits right into the definition of perfectly hidden depression.

Here it is.

“No time for me loneliness” can sound like it’s self-inflicted. And it certainly can be. Again it’s on a spectrum… but you can stay ultimately busy very consciously – and even take it into emotional martyrdom. Or it can be an integral part of living a life that’s governed by perfectionism and very tight emotional control. – what I’ve termed perfectly hidden depression.

You give. The world receives. And you remain unknown, in denial about what your life could be, or what you’re missing. When you wake up in the morning, you’re already thinking about what you need to get done that day, and you may have convinced yourself that that’s okay. Even noble.

But you don’t have real connection. You’re missing being known. You’re missing leaning on someone else. No one is nurturing you and eventually… that can feel leave you feeling very lonely, empty, and exhausted.

Three ways to move out of loneliness and toward connection…  

1) Consider yourself in the same light you consider others.

Would you tell someone you care about that their feelings aren’t important? Or that it is better to shoulder immense responsibility alone, without ever talking about the difficulty of it? 

When you stop and ask yourself these questions, the answer is clear. You would tell someone else that they need support; you don’t get water out of an empty jug.

So look in the mirror, and remind yourself that you deserve the same understanding, compassion, and love that you would want others to have. If you don’t know how to begin this conversation, it’s okay. You can start to be vulnerable slowly, with a trusted friend or therapist.

You can take little steps with easier conversations and work your way into more challenging ones.

2) Be honest with yourself about how pressure is affecting your life. 

Perhaps you’re secretly drinking more or taking Xanax regularly these days. You may be restricting what you eat, over-exercising, or having panic attacks. Your anxiety is rising and you’re trying to escape.

Let’s say you get a promotion at work. You know you should be happy about it, but all you can do is obsess about the new things that you’ll be asked to do. You feel caught off-guard, afraid that you’ll be inadequate and seem out of control, one of your greatest fears.

Your more rational self knows that others won’t expect perfection, and that anyone will warrant a learning curve. But you don’t know how to be anything but perfect. That continuing pressure can seek a way of secretly escaping. 

It’s like being on a treadmill, but you’re not in control of its speed or incline. And you don’t know how to get off..

3) Realize the real danger of this pressure — your loneliness could lead you to dark places. 

You can risk someone knowing who you really are, and how you really feel. But you have to admit, first, that you are lonely and lost. Why? Because that loneliness and exhaustion can take you down a dark path. 

You can try to push these thoughts away, but if things get too bad you can start to rationalize that the struggle is too hard. Perhaps you start to believe that others would be fine without you. The need for this pressure to end can grow more and more potent. Hopefully, suicidal thoughts such as these would scare you, and lead you to finally reach out to someone – and ask for help. 

And yet, too often that is one of the hardest things for you to do.

Please do for you what you would do for others. You have the power to get off the treadmill. That power starts in admitting you need to ask for help, in letting someone you trust see you and your struggle.

So, who do you trust? Ask them to join you for coffee. And simply start by saying something like, “You know, it’s hard for me to be open about myself.”

And that’s where you can begin.

By the way… 

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