Nine Ways To Help Prevent Your Child From Becoming Depressed

This post was originally published in 2017 after I watched the first season of 13 Reasons Why.. I wish I could say kids and teenagers are less depressed today than then, but unfortunately that’s not the case. The pandemic affected them as well as the adults in their lives, remote learning didn’t mean that peer pressure had gone away, and the loss of real social interaction was taking a toll on their emotional wellbeing. 

Not too long ago I watched “13 Reasons Why,” a Netflix series depicting a young, increasingly depressed teenage girl losing the fight with her will to live; it was based on the book by the same name. The major character, Hannah Baker, dies by suicide.

In the moments prior to her death, she sent out tapes to the thirteen people she believed lied to her, bullied her, manipulated her, abused her, ignored her, or simply disappointed her. How the recipients of her tapes handle her message is both fascinating and haunting to watch. Whatever you walk away believing about her, her friends, her family or her school, the show makes the point that kids with depression are walking around in plain sight.

I’ve read the accolades as well as the criticisms of the show, “It’s romanticizing suicide.” “Most of the adults in the show seem out of touch.” “Thank God someone is talking about how bullying can have such scathing and traumatic results.” “For the executive producer, Selena Gomez, it was a passion project. She states,”It’s meant to be real.”

 

The three most powerful themes of “13 Reasons Why”...

In considering the series, three themes were the most powerful for me.

1.) Secrecy versus lack of privacy

On one hand, you have teenagers keeping secrets from teachers, parents, and each other. On the other hand, you have the greater context of rumor and gossip insidiously fueled by the near-constant use of social media. What that creates is an immense fear that all who know you –  as well as those who don’t even know you –  will learn private details of your life that you never knew had been recorded, and now used against you.

2) The continued sexualization of young girls.

Not only does this put a lot of pressure on young girls to look and act a particular way, it can end horribly in rape or sexual assault. This is made more likely by social pressure and heavy use of alcohol and drugs.

3) The tragedy of hidden depression and suicide

When someone doesn’t let others know that their will to live is slipping, it’s a dangerous secret and preventable tragedy. When it’s severe, they can feel overwhelmed with hopelessness and are disengaged from the impact their death might have on those who love them. They may even convince themselves that their suicide would create welcome relief.

One recent study…

The characters in the show might be exaggerations; certainly not every kid’s experience of high school is quite this painful. But it’s hard for many  – and it’s unquestionable that depression is increasing in our children. A 2017 study, using 100,000 kids aged ten to seventeen who were self-reporting via computer, found that by the age of seventeen, 13.6 % of boys had experienced depression, and a whopping 36.1% of girls.

Michael Yapko, an internationally known expert on depression states, “While we have known for many years there is a gender gap in depression, this study indicates the divergent rates for depression in boys and girls begin even earlier than previously understood.  The gap is already sizeable by age 12.”

I’ve heavily emphasized the need to move away from drugging people, especially kids, and paying closer attention to the social and cultural factors predisposing people of all ages, but especially young people, to depression. Identifying and addressing these risk factors hold the key to my second key point: Prevention is better than “mop-up.” 

Understanding Your Teen’s World and Their Perspective...

My son pointed out several years ago, “You know Mom, when you were growing up, people called each other. You might not drop by someone’s house – you called them first. It would have seemed weird to just show up on their front porch. That’s the way my generation feels about calling. We think that’s way more intrusive than texting. So we text.”

I hadn’t thought of it from his perspective. I wonder how much more I don’t get, not because I’m not interested. but because I’ve underestimated how different our perspectives could be.

When you’ve sat in the room with someone whose child has died, the pain is so deep, it’s hard for them to breathe. When it’s suicide, the questioning is relentless and endless.

Nine Things You Can Do Today to Help Your Children Handle Their Emotions

It’s not too late for you and the kids you love. Here are ten things you can do today to help your children understand and deal with their emotions and navigate their world.

1. If depression runs in your family, talk to your kids about the symptoms and tell them it’s okay to talk about it.
2. If you’ve struggled with depression, get appropriate treatment yourself. Show them that there is no shame in asking for help when your mind is foggy or your emotions not under your control. Kids imitate how their parents act.
3. Realize that you can teach your child to think and act in a depressed fashion. If you avoid conflict, if you isolate and don’t stay connected with others, if you must do everything perfectly and shame yourself when you make a mistake, they are watching. And they are learning from you.
4. When your children have grown old enough to understand, talk about your own vulnerabilities. Model transparency for them.
5. Get to know your child’s friends as best you can without interfering in their relationships (unless you know there is something unhealthy going on). Realize those friends are having a tremendous influence on your child.
6. If your child’s behavior changes, if he or she begins to not care about things they used to, or loses ground in school, pay attention. It might be something situational. It also might be depression.
7. Realize that not all depression looks like classic depression. What I’ve termed Perfectly Hidden Depression can be a part of a kid’s life as well, especially with kids who are highly driven.
8. Get off your phone. Put down your IPad. Don’t allow texting during dinner. Engage, engage, engage with your kids. Go on device-free outings or even vacations. Know their teachers and get involved as you can with the school. They live in that environment for hours each day.
9. Occasionally and with their knowledge, read their texts and check out their social media. There’s going to be some normal ranting about mothers being mean or dads being hopeless. That’s normal. But look for shaming or manipulating around issues of privacy, sex or drugs.

 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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