Is It Self-Pity or Depression? Is It Bucking Up or Perfectly Hidden Depression?
It’s difficult to be around someone who’s always whining:
“I can’t get a break.”
“Wow, you’re lucky. My kids never call. Must be nice.”
“My ex took my best years and I’ll never get them back.”
Whining reflects self-pity or believing your life has never been happy – and never will be. Yet the irony is… your self-pity prevents you from taking responsibility for your own life or realizing what your could potentially create.
And self-pity can be learned. If your mom or dad didn’t take responsibility for their own lives, they can model self-pity for you. It’s paralyzing and hard to break, as you continually see life through a filter of blame and rejection.
Self-pity versus depression…
But self-pity isn’t the same as the negativity or loss of hope in depression. If clinically depressed, you’re dealing with an unwanted and unchosen barrage of negative, destructive thoughts and emotions. When you’re drowning in those thoughts and emotions, it’s very hard to be engaged with others or interested in anything outside of your own head. At times, you’re literally fighting for your own life.
Yet, your very real symptoms can be critically and wrongly labeled as self-pity, “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself. Snap out of it, and start thinking about someone other than yourself.”
That’s like telling someone who’s deaf to listen — or blind to see. At that moment, until the depression subsides, the mind isn’t capable of healthy thinking. To compound things, the more severe the depression, the more difficult it is to crawl out.
This Ted Talk video with Andrew Solomon eloquently describes the struggle.
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Society can make healing more difficult by its continued prejudice and misunderstanding about depression. Perhaps you might delay seeking help, afraid that revealing all that is going on in your head to others might make them think you’re simply whining.
We, as a culture, have to stop looking down on ourselves or others for experiencing what is a disease.
At the same time, we have to realize when it’s appropriate and healthy to find your courage when afraid, to buck up under tremendously difficult circumstances. or to trudge through what life has unfairly or tragically brought to you.
But that “bucking up” can be a problem when it’s cemented into your being and is the primary if not the only skill set you have for dealing with struggle. And it can be a way you learned or experienced to camouflage pain with a perfect-seeming faćade.
That’s why I call perfectly hidden depression.
What terrifies someone who experiences perfectly hidden depression?
If you’re unfamiliar with perfectly hidden depression, here’s an early video of me describing what it looks like.
Perfectly hidden depression is when you camouflage your depression by seeming to have a perfect life. You won’t allow your pain or sadness to be expressed, and you’re petrified of anyone being able to see an inkling of self-doubt or sorrow, fatigue or vulnerability.
So you’re seen by others as a “mover and a shaker” — you know how to get things done, and done well. Your life looks great; absolutely no whining is coming from you. You count your blessings every day and there’s not a self-pitying bone in your body.
No one sees what you’re hiding inside. No one knows the amount of insecurity, self-loathing or shame that exists in your reality. Because it’s perfectly hidden. So, the fear of exposure can become intense. It can feel as if your whole world will cave in if anyone finds out that you struggle — or that you have secrets you’ve never shared.
The most recent research on what’s termed “destructive” perfectionism is even more grim. As perfectionism rates rise so do suicide rates. And they seem to go hand in hand.
In my TEDx talk given in May of 2023, I tell the stories of two destructive perfectionists, Natalie and Michael. Natalie nearly died before coming to grips with the intensity of her secrets – while Michael was much more open after entering therapy, as he was able to then allow painful emotions to surface, rather than feeling shame at doing so.
Self-compassion versus self-pity...
Acknowledgment of pain or hurt from the past or the present leads to understanding. If you wallow in that hurt, it is possible for it to turn into self-pity if you allow that pain to define you. But to make the connection between painful experiences and who you are today and, in turn, how you’re making decisions and functioning is an extremely helpful process.
Self-compassion is healing. Self-pity is destructive. There’s an immense difference between the two. Yet all too often we get them confused and because of that you may be alone in your struggle with depression.
If you know someone suffering with depression, listen to them with compassion, support them as you can, and encourage them to seek appropriate treatment.
And have the same care and compassion for yourself.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Photo by David Cassolato from Pexels.
Originally published on September 21, 2019; updated and republished on September 2, 2023.