What to Do If You Love Someone With Chronic Depression

What do you do if you love someone with chronic depression?

It’s not easy. Yet I hope to give you some ideas.

Let’s talk about Patricia.

Patricia worked at a huge church, where she helped run their children’s Sunday School and daycare programs. She was an active, fun-loving mother and grandmother whose basement looked like an art studio, with her grandchildrens’ projects playfully displayed. She laughed a lot, and her giggle was so infectious you’d find yourself smiling and laughing along with her. Weight had always been an issue for her, but bariatric surgery had helped, and she headed out early every morning to work out. She and Dan had worked very hard on their marriage, and had found peace about other differences they had through therapy with me over the years. 

But one issue came up and when it did, it could turn ugly.

What was the issue? Patricia suffered with recurrent depression. She’d lose her energy. There was no giggle. And it would take every ounce of her being to slowly return to her life.

Dan tried to understand. But really didn’t. Instead, his anger and confusion over Patricia’s struggles came out in harsh, judgmental statements.

He didn’t want that. Nor obviously did she. So they both came back into therapy.

 

Understanding chronic, recurrent depression and what you have control over…

First, we talked about the things Patricia did have control over. And that was knowing what could cause her to begin to spiral downward.

What were they?

1. Winter was much harder for her, the cold, dreary months triggering sadness and loss of energy. She bought a special kind of light to use during that time.
2. She’d loved being a hands-on mom and grandmother, and she’d had to rebuild a sense purpose after her both her children moved away. Sometimes, she battled with grief over that. 
3. Her self-worth had suffered from her lifelong battle with weight. She was insecure around others, and a lot of our work focused on building a sense of competence.
4. Depression ran in her family She could remember her mother not getting out of bed for long stretches of time, her door shut, isolating herself from her family. She’d never wanted to be like her, yet there was a strange sense of “permission” that her mom’s actions had established. 

But even if Patricia kept all of this in mind, there were times she hit a wall, feeling like something invaded her being. She’d become weary of doing anything, lose the desire to hear her grandkids’ voices. She’d have to make herself go to work. Then she’d come home and want to sleep, intrusive thoughts of hurting herself crowding her mind.

Then, seeming miraculously, years would go by without any major issues. Patricia and Dan both would think, “Well, maybe it’s gone!!!” But it came back. And it could come back with a vengeance. 

Can people — especially people who love you — understand this cycle, and the frustration that goes along with it? How can they empathize with something they don’t experience? Could Dan have compassion for the lack of control Patricia felt from time to time?

A story for understanding chronic, recurrent depression

So, I made up a story.  I wanted

“Dan, I want you to imagine that you’re given a house to live in. The floors are covered with beautiful carpets from around the world. When you walk around, living your busy life, you enjoy it. You get to know its nooks and crannies.”

“But there’s a trick to this house. Every now and then, the powers that be dig a hole in the floor somewhere, a hole just big enough for you to fall through. Then the hole is carefully hidden by those same gorgeous carpets. You’re walking around like you did before, not knowing that the hole exists. But then…  you eventually fall in the hole. When you do, you feel ashamed, as if you’ve done something wrong. You feel overwhelmed. You feel as if you’ve failed. And it’s very difficult to get out, so that adds an extra level of pain to the whole experience.”

“Now imagine how you would feel. It would take you a while to figure out what was going on this house. You can’t move — it’s the only house you have. You can’t get rid of the carpets. They came along with the house. How would you live without fear of falling? Your steps would be cautious, your ability to enjoy and feel free diminished. With enough time, you’d begin to feel safer. You could go for days without falling – maybe even weeks or months. So you go on living, distracted from the potential of falling in a hole. Until the day you do.”

“That’s how it feels for someone with recurrent depression. They have to live their life, knowing that they might not see the depression – the fall –  that’s about to happen.”

Patricia’s eyes filled with tears.

Dan looked softly at her. “I’m sorry. Now I get it. I’d be paralyzed.”

People with recurrent depression can learn to live with it — to manage it. They can watch for signs or triggers. They can sit under light boxes, eat well, exercise, meditate, connect with others, take medication if needed, and get enough sleep — very good habits for all of us, but especially those with depression.

Yet absolute control doesn’t exist.

How can you help? 

You can do your best to understand. You can listen and acknowledge that their depression isn’t a choice. 

You can help by not judging and by giving them the respectful message that you know they’re trying.

Support them in receiving the treatment they need. With their agreement, you can help them watch for telltale signs or triggers. You can do this with kindness, not criticism. 

You can help. But always remember that the holes are there. 

 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

This was originally published on December 3, 2016; updated and republished on February 2, 2025.