At the age of 34, I didn’t think I’d ever live down my shame.
I’d struggled through a chaotic ten years, ending two marriages for very different reasons. Yet I was acutely aware that the common thread between those marriages was me. I was struggling to think of myself as a worthwhile person because of the piercingly constant negative voice in my head.
Nobody could tell at the time. I hid it well, making jokes about my two trips down the aisle and pretending that I was taking it all in stride. I was doing well in graduate school and my last year, I took pride in the fact that a professor seemed surprised when one of my colleagues mentioned my divorce our first year of school, “You got divorced? I’d never have known that.”
My mask was tightly in place.
But at night, when I was alone, the shame was waiting for me. It belittled me constantly, badgering me into the belief that I wasn’t capable of true intimacy. It insisted that I’d only continue to make other mistakes and hurt other people. It convinced me that I didn’t deserve anything better.
It’s only when I began fighting it tooth and nail, when I realized that I was unfairly shouldering all of the responsibility for what had happened in my relationships, that I could begin to believe in myself again.
I hear the same struggle with shame in people who feel that they did something they struggle to live with and can’t move on. I hear it from those who have been abused emotionally and physically, irrationally believing that somehow they’re to blame – or that even as a child, they should’ve stopped it. I hear it from those who’ve convinced themselves that they’re unloveable because of a problem or secret that feels unmanageable.
“I don’t know why I can’t stop.”
“I let this happen. Who in their right mind would allow this? I should’ve left long ago.”
“My mother always told me things were my fault. That’s my first thought now when something happens.”
Years ago, a supervisor talked about shame. He was a lanky, opinionated, boots-and-jeans Texan, who I didn’t care for initially. However, he’d written some very good books which I admired, so I listened, albeit with a skeptical ear. This is what he said, “Shame is helpful if it lasts for ten seconds and leads to a change of behavior.”
I didn’t believe him. I thought shame kept you in line. – that is was the same thing as a good conscience.
Now I know that he was right. While the ten seconds part was a bit of a dramatic spin, overall there was a lot of wisdom in his sentiment.
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Shame is not the same as a good conscience…
Shame absorbs itself into your very being, so you believe that you’re someone bad or inferior at your very core. Rather than accepting that you made a mistake, that you hurt someone or yourself, or that you did something you once believed that you’d never do, shame turns that act into all of who you are.
Letting go of shame today helps you avoid more of this self-destructive thinking. In fact, if you hold onto it, if shame leaps into your mind every moment that you’re not distracted by something else, you’re likely to continue making bad decisions – because why not? You already feel like a lousy human being…
So what can you do about shame? Here are some ideas.
Three things you can do to manage shame…
1. Stay in the present. Don’t “What If” Yourself to Death
You can get wrapped up occasionally in the “what if’s” of life. It’s then that I can feel the remorse, echoes of the pain I helped to create back then. So, it’s important to step back into the present. Write out what is on your mind — what you can’t seem to work through. Often when you journal, new revelations or emotions come to you that can help you work through your shame.
2. Take your part of the responsibility, but only your part.
Take responsibility for what may have been your part in whatever you feel shame about. That’s integrity.
But don’t use your integrity against yourself. If you’re carrying shame about trauma or actual victimization, please realize that anyone at anytime can be a victim. You did the best you could to handle the shock of your own abuse.
3. Give yourself the gift of compassion.
Talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend. Realize that you were doing the best you could at the time, and that you were learning something vital.
If feeling shame in the past is something you remember feeling, then let that guide your next choices. But… pummeling yourself over and over again is not only unhealthy but useless.
If you struggle with shame? Please join me. Here. In this day.
Today is where you belong as well.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
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This was originally published on September 18, 2015 and was updated on April 30, 2023.
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Shared!
Thanks so much Mary – sharing is the ultimate compliment!
I thought of my mom as I read this; she was never able to relinquish the shame she felt about having a child out of wedlock, and it colored her entire life. Her self-destructiveness was painful to watch. Your post helped me understand her that much better, and I so wish she’d been able to trust a therapist who could have helped her see her worth as a person.
I am so glad it was helpful. It’s not easy to talk about and I am sorry your mom could never relinquish her shame. And that you didn’t get to experience her like you could have. Thanks for writing such a personal response.
I lost my job in 2008 and moved to Texas (my 2nd home) to look for work. My sons were 21 and 15 at the time. I couldn’t pull them put of school, and was only thinking of myself and how to pay the bills when I left. I had a support system, I thought, in a man who lived there, and my ex lived in the state I left, so my kids had someone close.
I was gone 9 months and lost my car, my home and had to file bankruptcy the following year. The shame and guilt I felt for losing everything I’d worked so hard for, paled in comparison to the guilt I felt for leaving my boys. To this day, I’m not as close to the youngest as I could be, and I feel part of the reason is because I left him.
I know they weren’t babies when I left, but they were my babies. Both are college graduates with careers that are self-sufficient. They are both good, decent, compassionate human beings and sons.
So why can’t I get past the guilt? I’ve gained 100 lbs in 7 years and spend more time inside then out. I’ve lost all motivation unless it involves my boys. I’ve been an empty nester for 4 years, and moved closers to work in the past 4 years.
Hi Emmes. Yours is a situation that many people suffered through late in the first decade of the 21st century. It doesn’t sound to me like you were only thinking of yourself – you didn’t pull them out of school, for example, a choice many people would have made for their sake. No matter how hard it was for the parent. The fact that they have done well is a lot about what you offered them early on. It may well have been a choice between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes it’s just that way.
It sounds as if your relationship with food has gotten out of whack. I wouldn’t presume to give lots of advice, since this is via the Internet. But I would suggest you find a mental health clinic – and if money is an issue there are ones that offer services for very little or nothing – in your area. Your relationship with them now may be more about your own depression than the past. You have many classic symptoms. Feelings of guilt, depressed mood, isolation. There are even antidepressants that might help with weight loss. The book, “Healing The Shame That Binds You’ by John Bradshaw might be a wonderful place to start. And please, do take my advice about letting the shame go. You have to practice. Catch yourself when you are letting your mind go there. Then practice more. It’s a habit, and a destructive one, to put yourself down all the time. Good luck.
So hard to do. Shared for my friends.
Thanks so much Lynda. I hope it helps. Sharing is so important and I appreciate it more than you know.
Thank you Dr Margaret. I found this useful and enlightening for those who suffer shame and haven’t been able to ‘move on’ whatever that means. I dealt with mine whilst writing my book I DID TELL I IDDI, the story of my childhood, full of sexual abuse and cruelty. Yes shame played a major part in my life and I too had an inability to trust. Three marriages, a dependency on prescribed medication, a child lost to adoption and a stillborn son. I am now a qualified Cognitive Behavioural Pychotherapist with a Masters in counselling. Writing my story helped me put it further back than it was. Shame never really leaves you, countless times I have been told,’ it wasn’t your fault’. I believe them for a while but having been told everything was my fault for most of my life and all of my childhood, it is a habit hard to break. So, Thankyou for sharing this blog and good luck with your new book. Fellow therapist and author Cassie Harte
I am so sorry that the shame is so entrenched for you Cassie. Never is such a sad word so I will hope that’s not accurate for you. That you will be able to see your way clear. Thanks so much for writing.
I have been in a two year same sex relationship and my partner struggled with shame. We were raised that our relationship was immoral. From shame we turned to fighting and began to hurt each other emotionally. We recently broke up and I miss her so much. Is shame always due to something we are doing wrong or could it be because of the pressure of other people’s values? This is so hard.
Of course we can absorb depression and shame from others. The culture. Our families. It takes a lot of work to let go of those and decide for yourself what your own morals and values are. I am sorry you and your partner have suffered. Great comment and I hope things work out.
Dr M., I certainly appreciate your post on “shame”. This was certainly a tactic used in my family.
I later came to realize that the horrific consequences of “shame” result from the message–not that you made a wrong choice, but rather THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! Ouch!
Right Brenda! That’s the difference between guilt – which is a feeling associated with an act – and shame – that is a feeling that you are somehow less than. Great comment!