By now, I have ridden many waves of transition from hands-on mom to empty nest mom, or NestAche mom, as I prefer to call it. From, “Mom, will you take us to the pool?” to, “Mom, I’m not going to be here for dinner, but can some guys come over later?” to, “Mom, you know I’m not coming home spring break. Right?”  The last was asked with a tender, somewhat tenuous smile as he put his arm around me.

All I could do was smile back at that infectious grin.

I’ve had my ups and downs in this letting go process. I had to grieve the loss of all that abundant youthful energy around the house. I missed the mess he left in the den. When we visited him at school, I felt awkward in my new role as onlooker, not sure of where I belonged in the world he was building.

I simply missed him.

Something has helped to ease that grief, and I’m not stuck in that sense of loss.

It comes down to one thing.

I have chosen, with intention, to let go. 

I have not told myself that something was being torn from me, or that I was losing my grip on my child or my ability to mother. Life was not yanking him away from me.

When I consider people who struggle with depression after their children leave home, they frequently perceive that they are being robbed. They feel victimized by the years going by, bringing with them unwanted closure on the hands-on years of parenting.

Let’s take my absolutely favorite-of-my-lifetime black evening outfit. I wore it singing jazz, in the late 80’s. It was backless, with a soft, silky fabric, a plain classic front and nothing adorning the waist. The pants flowed freely.

I thought it was spectacular and channeled my inner Lauren Bacall.

But when I became a mom, there weren’t a lot of places to wear my elegant attire. I certainly couldn’t wear it to work. Plus, frankly, it was a bit snug in places.

Quite snug.

I gave it away. Its time had passed.

I know kids aren’t clothes; it’s the process I’m talking about.


Any time you can claim intentionality, it is empowering. Even if it is painful.

I have been and will continue to work on acceptance of my new role, and my declining prominence in his life. Not my importance or my significance, but how primary I am to who he is, or what he does. He was never mine to keep in the first place, but a blessing that was given to me to care for and cherish.

We will transition again and again as his life evolves.

I will, with intention, not look back.

I will, with intention, not harangue about texts left unanswered, or calls that I love to get coming only from time to time. I will not make it personal.

I will, with intention, know that he is busy building his own life — a life that is full.

I will, with intention, be grateful for that. Not everyone has that blessing.

I will, with intention, realize that I will always be Mom.

Rob’s mom. And then, that smile returns, simply thinking about him.

I will, with intention, remember to smile.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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