When I mention “anticipatory grieving” to my clients, many have never heard of it.
What is it?
It’s the emotional and psychological process for preparing for an expected loss of some kind. Several years ago, I wrote about how I used anticipatory grieving to cope with my son finishing college and moving to California for his new job. I hope this will be helpful to you if you’re facing some kind of expected but unwelcome or even tragic loss. I’m not equating feelings of empty nest to intense grief however… I’m simply using it as an example.
Now Available!
Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook
Healing begins with risking transparency. This workbook can help.
Dreading empty nest…
This holiday season will be the last one where my son is in college – the last one where “Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks” have been officially designated as time when he has weeks off to relax. For me, those weeks have meant that I could fatten him up, and more importantly, catch up. Get to know who he has become.
Next year is unknown. His job may say, “You get two days.” If he’s lucky.
Whew.
Short of resorting to trying to wheedle him into graduate school, I’ve got work to do.
It’s time for more letting go.
I wrote about my first and worst empty nest breakdown (which actually began this blogging journey.) As I wandered around the house like a lonely kitten, what pulled me out of my slightly self-centered, sobbing mess-ness was a picture of my entire Robinson family. In it were my four nephews, much older than my son, and their four either wives or serious girlfriends at the time.
I gazed at it, and realized I’d watched them all grow up. I’d supported and celebrated their reaching out into the world, making the most of opportunities. Finding jobs they cared about, women they loved.
I reached for my seventh Kleenex, and stopped crying.
It was my turn. It was my time to do what my brothers had done, what my parents had done.
My child was no different. I needed to do some anticipatory grieving.
This process is what’s called “anticipatory grieving…”
Anticipatory grieving is not wallowing in self-pity, obsessing about something painful that’s going to happen. It’s not worrying constantly about the future or ruminating that that future is going to be unmanageable.
What is it?
It’s visualizing the future, and if it involves loss, no matter how large or small, imagining how you will cope with it. And then, seeing yourself doing that – even though perhaps that’s very difficult to imagine.
So, how do you do it?
The five steps of anticipatory grieving…
1) Envision the predicted loss and what will be hard or even devastating about it.
“How will I ever function again?”
“I don’t want to think about when my kids are grown.”
“I can’t imagine life without her in it.”
Realize that these questions will have an answer. With courage, you’ll find a way to function. The time will come when your kids are grown. Life goes on.
2) Feel, for just few moments, the grief or sadness associated with that loss.
For example, every now and then in the coming weeks, I will stick my toes in the emotional waters of the next holiday. 2016. Not for long, for that could easily turn into sabotaging the present. I will let myself feel whatever comes.
But I will visualize how I will handle these feelings. I will come up with potential ideas of how to do things differently, to adjust to and cope with change.
Anticipatory grieving isn’t pessimism. It’s skill-building. It builds courage.
(Again, the loss you may be facing could be much more life-altering than empty nest. I’m using that only as an example.)
3) Imagine new ways to structure your life.
As you emotionally practice, see where it leads you.
“How do I want to grow through this? What do I want to learn?”
Whatever the loss is, how can you foresee integrating it into your life? If you can find no answer to these questions, even with some time, you may need to talk with others who’ve gone through what you know you will go through. You may need to reach out for help.
4) Create things that will serve as a bridge from the past to the present.
When my family members have died, I’ve found at least one thing or one experience that connects me to them in the present A gift I’d given my brother that he kept in his office, I have on my coffee table in the middle of my house. A bracelet I had made out of my mother’s earrings that I wear.
5) Relish today.
The last thing I want is to watch everything happen, and think, “This may be the last time it’s ever this way.”
That will sabotage it.
If you’ve emotionally tried on for size what the future is bringing, you can try to relish what you can – while it still exists.
Practice feeling what you dread. It can give you strength.
All of this can be applied to any potential loss. You don’t have to wait until you’re dealing with empty nest, or illness, people you love moving away, retirement, or even death.
I’ve had the honor of watching many people face what they never believed would happen to them, or things they hadn’t thought to prepare themselves for.
You can start today.
Other offerings from Dr. Margaret
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Get your free ebook, ‘What’s Your Protective Shield?’ when you join 7,000+ readers receiving weekly insights on the patterns shaping your life.
Great article and perfect for me to share with some family as we grieve the death of my cousin. The holidays are hard for so many and we need to prepare in advance for how to handle it. Thank you!
I am sorry that you have had to grieve the death of someone you love Teresa, I am glad if I could help.
This sounds like a great way to ease into changng traditions. Our family continues to change each year with seperations, marriage woes (not mine), moving, and just when I think a pattern has been found, it shifts. Self care is critical. Thanks for this tool Margaret.
You are welcome Jennifer, Sounds as if you have had a lot of practice yourself. Thanks so much for commenting.
Our family is spread all over the country and I just lost a brother. It’s not always easy getting together for the holidays. I have to admit the past two Thanksgiving we went traveling even though it’s my favorite holiday. My son is in the Air Force and has been away many times but luckily, for now, he and my daughter are nearby. I choose to make the best of it and keep busy.It makes life exciting.
Good for you Rebecca. Sounds like you have this down, Thanks for commenting!
This is the second Thanksgiving since my grandmother passed and everyone has scattered. I miss the big gatherings so much.
Sounds like maybe your grandmother was the glue of the family. If so,I hear about that a lot – how do you keep a family together after someone who has been an anchor leaves the family? I hope this post gives you some ideas about how to grieve but also look forward creatively, Thanks so much for reading and a great comment.
This is so helpful. My stepson has been given 6-8 months and this is the month 6. I alternate my envisioning from what I will do to help my husband when I will be heartbroken too and what a miracle will feel like because I refuse to give-up.
I am so sorry Doreen that you have this tremendous loss in front of you. I’m glad if my ideas were helpful. Thanks for letting me know.
An interesting article – and very applicable to other areas of life. I’ve seen the term “anticipatory grief” used on a few pulmonary fibrosis forums that are for patients and caregivers. My husband has pulmonary fibrosis which is a rare lung disease with no cure, and a prognosis of three to five years (although he is in his 8th year-we are blessed). I find myself, in quiet moments, thinking ahead to what will be our constantly evolving “normal” as his health declines. I think about how I might take care of things, how I will deal with his eventual passing, what we both need to do to prepare emotionally (as much as you can anyway) – all the time knowing that nothing is likely to go as we thought it would. We have both grieved the losses we have experienced because of this illness – but we have come out on the other side stronger for it, more in love all the time (even after 48 years), and constantly finding joy in each other, our kids, and grandkids. We’re making as many memories as possible these days.
Cheryl I so appreciate your sharing such a personal story. It sounds as if you and your husband have been facing on a daily basis, and for many years, what many of us fear. And doing it together in a way that has only strengthened your love for one another. I admire that more than you could imagine. Your example of how you have approached this is exactly what I am talking about. Thank you for sharing it, helping us all learn more about what is possible when our lives are not what we hoped.
Margaret, I love your post. I find myself engaging these same steps and rituals as I prepare to retire from a lifetime as a psychotherapist and health care administrator. At times I am terrified that I will not be able to cope without my work persona. Will I still be making a difference? What helps is one day at a time and trying to envision the next adventure. Appreciate your posts. Dee from Alaska.
Thanks so much Dee. Good luck!
Margaret, I understand what you are feeling. I wish you could see the “other side” of this period and what joy it will bring to you. Life in your family has only begun. Relish today and please don’t worry about what has not and may not happen. Please.
Barbara thanks for your concern. But I personally am doing great. I talk a lot about relishing today — in fact that’s, the point of the post. I am describing a process that may need to occur. it you don’t agree, that’s certainly your right. Thanks for your comment.
Barbara thanks for your concern. But I personally am doing great. I talk a lot about relishing today — in fact that’s, the point of the post. I am describing a process that may need to occur. Thanks for your comment.