How Is Gratitude Different From Toxic Positivity?

Gratitude has long been viewed as a decision or a choice, and that choice is to be grateful.

Rather than feeling mired or sucked under by the things in your life, you try to keep your head above water by realizing that there are blessings in your life. Even if they are small ones or brief moments of contentment or joy, you choose to notice them – to give them air. To let yourself breathe in that moment – and be grateful for it.

However, when gratitude morphs into what’s termed “toxic positivity,” either you won’t allow yourself to see or express more painful emotions – or you may be the recipient of someone else’s toxic positivity. What does this sound like?

“You gotta look on the bright side.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Hurt people hurt people.”

How can these statements be toxic or poisonous? Because they often are said with the motivation of getting the person who feels sad or afraid or overwhelmed to skip over that feeling. Move on – and move on quickly. Have compassion for the asshole who hurt you. Look for the rainbow instead of recognizing the storm’s damage. Find the “reason” something happened so that you can get out of feeling about it – and into some mental space that is supposed to make whatever happened “okay.”

When it’s not okay. When the storm wreaked havoc. When you’ve been deeply hurt.

 

When you overly identify with your painful experience… 

I remember meeting a woman years ago who was talking about her divorce. She was going through a long litany of the things that had happened that were unfair and hurtful – a list that many a divorced person could likely express. Her anger and expression of injustice was palpable.

I assumed that her divorce must’ve been very recent, due to the vehemence with which she described how hard it had been.

So, I was shocked to be told, “Oh no, she got divorced at least eight years ago.”

I felt concerned for her. But mostly, very sad… that eight years later, she was still wrapped up in the pain of her divorce – and how she hadn’t worked through it.

I’m not inferring that she should walk around telling people that she was grateful for it. But she seemed to still define herself by that time in her life.

You don’t have to feel one way or another… you can feel two ways simultaneously.  

Winnie the Pooh is known for saying things about gratitude – but in a way that reveals hurt, while also stressing the importance of why the hurt hurts as badly as it does.

One of my favorites is… “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Why do I like it? Because it expresses the duality of emotions, that a painful emotion can be present at the same time you might be grateful.

When you can feel two or three or even four ways at once, and recognize all of them, manage each of them where no one emotion completely owns your soul, you’re growing in your ability to emotionally regulate or stabilize yourself. You’re not only seeing the black or the white, but all the shades of gray that also exist.

This may not be (and likely has not been) possible when grief strikes quickly and unexpectedly. It can take some time to allow reality to sink in. That’s normal.

Gratitude isn’t the absence or nonrecognition of pain. Gratitude lives alongside hurt or pain. It’s not a contest to see which side will win.

What matters is that you can move freely from one to the other. Walk through what you need to walk through, not overly identifying with either.

Be grateful sure. And also be aware and express emotional hurt as needed.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

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Photo by Diogo Nunes on Unsplash.