How Relationships Can Survive Political Differences

I initially wrote this post in 2016 after political differences were expressed much more harshly by the candidates in our US presidential election- and I began hearing about rifts in all kinds of relationships . The next race was no less damaging. And now, we’ve had a third presidential election in the US with similar tactics used.  I’m not any kind of political scholar. But I’ve been asked to offer my perspective and to remind all of us the importance of compassion and understanding.

I don’t write about religion or politics.

I haven’t studied either one of them.  I’ve never taken the time needed to educate myself in the vast array of contrasting belief systems or ideologies in either field, sticking instead to psychology.

But I’ve been asked to write about some of the hurt that’s occurring.

Many people are emotionally and spiritually crushed by what has happened in this election – not only by the result, but by how the process occurred. Others are deeply relieved by the same outcome, but may share misgivings about what and how people were treated. Respect for another gender, for another race, or for another viewpoint, whether the display is public or private, has been exposed as a growing problem.

 

The lack of respect… 

In 2016, it was… afterward the election. When all was said and done, candidates asked for a more hopeful or respectful attitude toward the other.

I’ve not heard too much of that happening now. Instead, what’s expressed is ongoing contempt, known to be the most destructive force in relationships.   Contempt is when you blame, insult, or demean someone for what they express or the way they feel.

The candidates don’t have a personal relationship with one another. They don’t have to wipe all this up, and try to get along. Things have been said that can’t be taken away, but they can turn the next political page.

Yet all of us are left to mop up what’s left from the fight.

Mopping up from the fight…

Maybe you’ve learned that friends have opposing views to yours. Or you’ve heard someone you love or admire be dismissive of what you deeply view as immoral or wrong. Maybe your neighbors had political signs in their yards that surprised or disappointed you.

Before I go into some political rant about why a country is great because its culture tolerates differences, I’m going to stop. It’s one thing to appreciate that fact, and be grateful you live in a free country. I hope you do feel grateful for that. It’s another when you disagree sometimes vehemently with your good friend, your brother, a parent, or even your partner.

It can feel like a tremendous loss.

Seeking like-minded people is common… 

Years ago, a good friend of mine (Sarah) and I laughed about something we noticed in our fellow parents. Sarah was a stay-at-home mom and I was a “working for a salary” mom, as I like to say. We noticed that at our children’s birthday parties, all the SAHMs (stay at home moms or “working for no salary” moms) tended to gather in one spot, while the working-for-salaries moms grouped in another. This didn’t appear to be intentional, but was a natural, unconscious selection.

So we decided to bridge that gap – and stood side by side in between them. Yes, sometimes she’d say something about what she loved about staying at home – and I might inwardly wince, realizing my experience of motherhood was different.  And I’m sure she did as well. But that was part of caring about each other.

As people, we look to each other for support. We want to feel that our views and our choices are right or are the best we could make. It helps all of us cope with the fear and anxiety of living. We join groups — churches, clubs, political parties, causes, or simple birthday party crowds — in order to bond with like-minded people.

We find comfort in similarity.

Actually sitting down and calmly talking with someone about their reasons for believing something which is different than the way you feel or believe, takes much more effort and intention. You have to tolerate not agreeing, control your defensiveness, and take the time to try to understand at a much deeper level. You have to be willing to listen without the agenda of proving the other one wrong. And if you don’t agree, something about that relationship has to be more valuable to you than the disagreement. If it is, you stay friends, you stay married, or you stay in relationship. You agree to disagree.

If the difference in your views is too great, then the relationship can suffer. Or it can end.

Political differences don’t have to breed contempt…

There are people giving advice on post-election stress. Turn off social media for a while. Talk to your children calmly. Focus on volunteering or helping others in some way. Remind yourself of historical perspective. Don’t let fear or anger govern you.

I would add — take the time to try to understand someone else’s perspective, especially if they’re someone you love. Don’t do what, sadly, what we all can do when trying to “win,” and allow yourself to label them or put them in some box with a vile name on it. Don’t make immediate assumptions. Give them the same respect you want for yourself.

Tolerating conflict in your intimate relationships is not so different, whether it rises from a heated election, from a traumatic breach of trust, or from any disappointment or act of disrespect.

There’s no room for contempt in any of it, if the relationship is important to you.

There can be healing, if both involved are trying to listen and understand.

And respect.

 

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Originally published on November 12, 2016; updated and republished on October 8, 2023.

Photo by Pixabay.