Four Common Mistakes In The Complicated Job Of Step-Parenting

There are four common mistakes in the complicated job of step-parenting.

Blending a stepfamily successfully can take much longer than many people suspect… or hope. And the amount of time is heavily influenced by these six things:

• The context of how everyone met (To put it bluntly, was there an affair)
• How long you and your new spouse have known each other and the length of the time since either divorce
• The age of the children when their parents’ divorce occurred
• Whether or not it’s a second or third or fourth marriage
• How amicable the divorce of the child’s biological parents was

If you’ve managed to create a wonderful bond in your blended family, then absolutely congratulate yourself. You’re working hard and making something work that’s emotionally and often pragmatically difficult. And those kudos go all around: to stepparents, ex’s, and the kids themselves.

So what makes for trouble?

 

Four very common mistakes a stepparent can make…

1) Jumping in too fast as an authority.

If you and your new spouse dated for quite a while and let the children get to know you slowly, this goes a long way towards successful step-parenting. However, many adults rush the process, only giving their kids a few weeks or months to make the life-altering transition from “me and mom” to “me and your new mom.”

If you jump in too fast as an authority, you set yourself up for a struggle, even failure. You’re suddenly another adult in the home, but you haven’t earned the respect that goes along with being an authority figure. You don’t automatically have that child’s trust simply because his mother or father loves you. You have to wait for the children to develop a relationship with you, separate from your new spouse.

Meanwhile, perhaps you can search for some common ground and grow your relationship. For example, if you both like soccer, you could kick the ball around together. Maybe you both like to work on puzzles or could make a TikTok video. It’s best to offer your opinion privately to the biological parent regarding issues you might have with the child, and support them in their choices regarding their children. 

2) Seeing the kids as an extension of the ex.

This often happens after a highly contentious divorce.

They may look like the ex. They may have character traits of the ex. They might even be parroting things the ex says, and you believe, “I bet she told her to say that to me.” Or, “The only reason he’s doing that is because his mother hates me, and he knows it.“

However, they are individuals in their own right, not miniature versions of the ex nor their messengers. They may be stuck in the middle of an ugly adult situation that they didn’t choose. Sadly, the child may have overheard the ex talking about you and this could also affect how they interact with you.

Remember that you’re the adult in this relationship, and this is going to be confusing to them, so you’ll only make it worse by not understanding your kids’ struggle. Try to make it easier by not putting them in the middle. Be yourself, be kind and loving and accepting, and give them the opportunity to see the real you. Eventually they’ll figure out that you’re a positive addition to their life.

3) Blaming the kids for the difference in your parenting choices. 

You always put your kids to bed by having a set time every night. The light is turned off, prayers are said, kisses happen, and out you go. Your new spouse, on the other hand, doesn’t have a set bedtime. It could be 8 one night, 9 the next. He believes that there should be some time that they have to just relax and be on their cell phones or get some last minute studying done. Then, if they want, a little talking or reading and then lights out. Their bedtimes are all kind of spontaneous and organic.

She secretly judges that his kids are spoiled and needy; he thinks that her kids are over-pleasers and way too rule-bound. 

You obviously have different parenting styles. It’s best to leave the kids out of it as you navigate these new trials; try to decide how you are going to respect each other, now that you’re one family.

4) Discounting the impact of an affair.

If you had an affair with your new spouse, you’re likely to say, “Oh, the kids will be great. They’ll have no trouble accepting Jane (or John).”  You’ll minimize the difficulty of divorce on a family — as well as the feelings of not only grief but a sense of replacement that your ex has had to deal with. If you marry, and especially quickly marry the person that you had an affair with, it may take a fair amount of time for your family to accept your new spouse.

Remember, your kids want to please both parents. 

On a happier note, I’ve talked with many people through the years who’ve told me that it was a stepparent who made their life complete — who walked them down the aisle when their own biological parent had abandoned them long ago — who sat and listened to them because their biological parent wasn’t nearly as understanding or empathic. 

Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. And one of the most vital.

After all, the love and nurturing of their stepchildren is their choice. 

Information! 

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Originally published on July 21, 2018; updated and republished on January 24, 2021.