Five Ways to Make Sure Fairy Tale Relationships Don’t Become Nightmares

After a bad break-up or a divorce, you often look back and wonder, “What was I thinking?” Hindsight is often 20-20. But isn’t there a way to make sure your fairy tale relationship doesn’t turn into a nightmare? 

 

The stories you tell yourself…

Many of us make up a story — your own fairy tale of how things are in the moment and will evolve. You ignore the immense red flags that are popping up – because the story is what you want to believe. 

Here’s an example.

Maybe the new love of your life is in superdrive at work and bent on becoming vice president of the company; you love her drive and are thrilled for her achievements. She’s told you, “My ex was so jealous of my success. But you’re different…you’re supportive and not threatened at all. I love that about you!” Both of you are divorced and have kids going between two houses. But she says when the kids are with her, she’s all in as a mom. 

A second scenario.

So, it isn’t a big deal that your new partner and his ex are still emotionally battling it out. “My ex can’t accept reality” is the explanation. You’re told she’s “borderline” and although you cringe when you read the ugly texts going back and forth, you do believe him when he says that he’s the victim of her manipulation.

Creating a fairy tale… 

You took important information in (that’s good). But through eyes filled with “lust/love,” you tend to see what you wanted to see. 

And that’s when you can begin to weave a story, a fairy tale, of how things will be… what will happen next. You envision happiness, great sex, and trust. The things that are happening now that you’re a little uncomfortable with? They will change for the better, “I just know it.” Those concerns are pushed aside and instead of moving slowly toward an increased commitment, instead of listening to see if your soon-to-be partner takes responsibility for their own actions, you joyfully dive in.

It’s great… at first. “Everything’s going to work out,” the little voice inside your head starts chanting. Maybe you get married and begin to weave your lives together. Or you make decisions that change the trajectory of your own life, because it seems important for the relationship.

But, over time, the concerns that you ignored (remember those red flags) pop right back up. 

And the fairy tale can become a nightmare…

There really are no fairy tales. There’s excitement. And joy. And laughter. And contentment. And the relief from loneliness.

But those things can get lost with the intrusion of disappointment, anger, and unwelcome clarity, brought on by seeing things through the lens of time. 

Here’s how things can change – and we’ll use the same examples as above to illustrate the point.

First…

You appreciated her drive. But now, even when both of you have your kids, she’s working. You begin to feel like a single parent with a roommate, not a spouse. 

And second…

Not only does he still fight with the ex, he now won’t compromise with you. What seemed like decisiveness now seems like bossy-ness and refusing to be cooperative. You’re realizing that he’s not different with you that he is with her; you get blamed as well. 

The author Daphne Kingma in her book, Coming Apart, points out that there’s at least one thing you can generally pinpoint when you look back at a failed relationship — one thing that you ignored, denied, or avoided that’s at the root of what you now see as an intolerable obstacle to remaining in the relationship.

How can you avoid this kind of mistake? 

1) Be honest about your own emotional health — is your picker broken?

Look at your own patterns and admit your part. Are you creating fairy tales? Are you looking for the magic person who’ll save you or sweep you into their arms? Are you attracted to edgy people who aren’t growing up or are demanding and self-centered? Maybe you’re allowing a sexual connection to make your decisions for you. Maybe you’re way too urgent about finding a relationship and that urgency is clouding your judgment. It could be many things, but looking at yourself in the mirror and being honest can go a long way.

2) Make sure your partner is taking responsibility for their own mistakes.

A blamer often stays a blamer. If they talk about the ex’s being intimidated, and doesn’t say anything about how they also screwed up, that’s not a good sign. It’s rare that all the fault is on one side in a failed relationship. Look for how someone reveals their own vulnerability — their own struggles, and you can be much more reassured that that’s how they’ll act in your own relationship.

3) Wait. Time will tell. Things don’t always surface until a firm commitment exists.

Plain and simple. Time will tell you a lot about someone. We all have unconscious ideas about marriage and partnership. We absorbed them when we were children, and watched our parents try to have a relationship. Often, they don’t come to the fore until a commitment is real. 

4) Make sure you can fight fairly before you get married.

If you’re fighting tooth and nail or not fighting at all before you’re committed or married, then something’s amiss. Arguments are natural, and resolution is vital to true intimacy. So, make sure you both can be honest with each other without being cruel, not hold a grudge, and get on with living.

5) Realize the beginning of a relationship shouldn’t be so hard.

Unless there’s some kind of extenuating circumstance, like one of you becomes ill or has a sudden loss, then the beginning months of a relationship should be fairly smooth. You’re learning about each other, and you’re fascinated by what you learn. If you’re arguing a lot, or the relationship seems to be exhausting, then something’s out of balance. Most folks are on their best behavior when falling in love. And, if this is the best, and it’s really hard, then you ought to consider the relationship more carefully.

Wonderful healthy relationships exist.

But there’s no fairy dust. And if too many red flags are flying, as painful as it can be, you have to pay attention.

 

 

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Article originally published on June 16, 2018; updated and republished on April 30, 2022.