How to Become a Much Better Listener

When couples walk in my door with their chief complaint being, “We can’t communicate,” they usually need help in how to listen to each other.

Perhaps all too often instead of listening to your partner, you assume you know what they are about to say so you reply to what you think they meant rather than what they actually said. Sometimes you may even be so eager to share your opinion that you essentially tune out and are mentally already practicing your reply!  Or maybe you often can’t wait to give your opinion, so you simply interrupt with your version of the truth!

Nobody is perfect, and we all do this from time to time. But if you recognize this as a pattern in your communication style, it’s obviously not a healthy way to communicate.

The following is a true story that offers a vital lesson in how to actually listen and grow together where both of you learn and deeply understand one another.

 

An exercise in how to listen…. really listen…

Jim and Rebecca were attending a group workshop where they were learning a specific technique of listening. The exercise was designed carefully: one person talked while their partner listened. The rules or goals for the talking partner were simple; you had to keep to one topic while trying to travel deeper into your feelings about it. The goal for the listening partner was to keep their own agenda (ego) out of the way, and try to learn something they didn’t know.

It’s much harder than it sounds, especially getting rid of your own agenda when you’re listening. Questions like, “What do you want me to do about that?” Or “How do you think that affects me and the kids?” are strictly not allowed.

Each couple took a turn practicing the technique in front of the other couples, who would listen and then give support afterwards.

Jim and Rebecca were the last couple. Jim said, “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

“No, I can’t. I don’t think I can say what I’ve been feeling. You won’t understand.”

“I promise, you can. I get this.”

The room settled in to listen.

“Okay.” Rebecca took a long breath. “I often wish for your death.“

The room became very still. A couple of tense seconds ticked by.

And Jim asked, “How long have you felt that way?” 

Rebecca started crying.

She revealed she’d felt utterly hopeless about their marriage. She’d tried everything. Her fantasies about his death didn’t mean she truly wanted him to die, but that she was horribly demoralized and desperate.

Jim absorbed all that she’d said. He listened. And he got it.

Here are five things you can try to become a better listener…

     1) Stop assuming. Instead, stay curious. 

Yes, you’ve been together for years, and you may repeat the same things… a lot. Instead, you can realize that you spend eight to twelve hours away from this person every day. They’re having experiences that you’re not aware of at all. People grow and evolve and they might not be as predictable as you think; they may surprise you, especially if you give them the opportunity to open up.

     2)  Stay in the moment. And give up being “right.” 

You can be so busy formulating a response, or something that will prove them wrong, especially if you feel criticized. Rather than thinking of “your turn,” try to stay in the moment and actually listen to what they’re communicating to you. Then you have the ability to respond more spontaneously, and the conversation might actually lead somewhere fresh.

     3) Know you’re reacting to their tone – and explain that to them.  

“As soon as she starts nagging, I shut her out.”

“I hear that condescending tone in his voice, and I just get mad. Who is he to talk to me that way?”

You can grow very sensitive to how your partner is talking to you, and react. You get mad, or withdraw and the actual message of what they’re trying to convey to you gets lost in the process. As an alternative perhaps say,  “I want to listen to you, but when you say it in the way you are, I get defensive and I don’t even hear the rest of what you’re saying.”

Hopefully, they’ll respond by changing their tone. The important message is, “I want to listen.”

     4) If you can’t focus on your partner in that moment, say so – and choose another time to talk. 

“I told you that.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. You were sitting, looking at the TV and doing something on your phone, but you answered me.”

“Well, I don’t remember that at all.”

We get in the habit of trying to talk to each other, while distracted by a hundred other things. If you’re really listening to someone, you’re looking at them in the eyes. Take time to make sure that’s happening.

     5) If you tend to make your partner’s feelings about you, that’s called over-personalizing. Question that before you assume that that’s true.  

You can believe that your partner has an ulterior motive behind what they’re saying – or you think the look on their face has something to do with you.

Often, this occurs due to earlier conflict. You still think your partner is making a point, or getting a punch in. Let’s say you had a fight about who is doing the brunt of the work around the house. Feelings were aired on both sides, but the subject is still sensitive.

Then later he says, “Do you want me to pick up the kids today?”

She explodes, “Just because I was saying I’m tired, doesn’t mean I need you to do that!”

He’s moved on from the earlier conversation, but she hasn’t. She misreads his motivation or intent. Instead, ask questions but don’t assume. “Are you still mad?” for example.

Good listening simply takes practice. And more practice…. and even more practice. While practice may never make perfect, it will help you and your partner communicate with each other.

 

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Originally published on May 12, 2018; updated and reposted on September 10, 2022.