Empty Nesting Season: Letting Go A Little At A Time
My grandparents had a gorgeous old grandfather clock in their den where my grandmother rocked and knitted while my grandfather read his paper. I loved the deep, resonate sound it made every second of every day.
Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…
That tangible reminder of time passing was as comforting as the very predictability of the ticks themselves.
Yet sometimes the passage of time, the chapters of your life ending and transforming into a new normal, isn’t so comforting. I have a distinct memory of just such a moment in my own life.
My son was driving off to begin his second year of college. He’d been home only a brief couple of days during the summer and this year, didn’t need us to take him back to school, a ritual that I hadn’t anticipated giving up. He was taking his own car, and explained with a gentle smile, “Mom, there’ll be plenty of guys to help.” I swallowed hard and smiled. So after tight hugs good-bye, his dad and I stood at the end of our driveway, waving while he drove away.
I could almost hear a “tick tock” in my head, as a tear rolled down my cheek. I looked up at his dad, who was suspiciously wiping his eyes as well.
Letting go a little at a time…
The next morning, I was back to my routine, rushing around, driving to work. I’d forgotten that the local schools were also starting their new year. And… to my initial dismay, I got stuck in a long line of cars in front of an elementary school. Marching along the sidewalk was a colorful parade of all ages and types of families, celebrating going back to school.
Dads were carrying tousled toddlers on their shoulders while moms were pushing baby carriages, and the family dog loped along, seemingly curious why this walk was so different. Younger kids clasped the hands of older brothers and sisters who were dressed in not-a-spot-on-’em-outfits with brightly-colored backpacks fit tightly onto their little bodies. Some children giggled and walked with a confident stride, others were staring down at their feet as if they were more than a bit overwhelmed. There was the occasional fourth grader who was far too mature for all of this ceremony and walked a few feet ahead of their parents.
And as I saw a young mother surreptitiously wiping away a tear, I couldn’t help but think of my own tears, watching a much older son drive away.
My irritation at being stuck in traffic dropped away as I realized what a difference a few years make, but also how everything is really just the same. You watch as time brings change. Pride, happiness, and satisfaction can all coexist with sadness as our children get older and and need us less and less.
Or as I like to think of it.. need us differently.
So, how can you make letting go a little easier?
What is anticipatory grieving?
Remember that time will keep passing, that your feelings will change because they constantly evolve. Even the deepest grief can abate because the human spirit heals if you nurture it and give it time. That clock keeps ticking, no matter what.
So you can make use of that time to begin what’s called anticipatory grieving. That may sound like a pessimistic thing to do, but it’s actually a useful skill to have. Whether it’s a child leaving home, or a loved one dying, retirement, aging, or having to cope with an illness, you begin to imagine what those changes will bring, and what skills you have to cope with them. What’s that old saying? Prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you’ve imagined living through it, you can at least to begin working on acceptance. Not resignation. Acceptance. And you can imagine yourself thriving as you accept the transition and go on.
Then get back to the present. Relish what you’re enjoying each day. Work through what isn’t so enjoyable. Because tomorrow it will be behind you; the memories you create today might just be ones you look fondly upon tomorrow or even decades later.
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Originally published August 23, 2014; updated and republished on June 3, 2023.
Our own worst “empty nest” period was actually when our oldest child moved out of state with our oldest grandbaby.
While our youngest was still at home at the time, we were young grandparents…and our granddaughter going so far away was heartwrenching, to the point where hubby asked if maybe we should have another baby. Luckily, I quickly came to my senses and found cheap airfare 🙂
What a touching story Denise. I can only imagine what going from having 3 generations all under one roof to just 1 must have been like! Hope you like flying 🙂 Thank you so much for commenting!
What a beautiful post Margaret. Brought me back to those days. So sweet and yes a little sad. But…That’s life!
Thank you Nancy! I certainly am finding that the ache -my NestAche – that returns when my son comes and goes – is healing. I’m growing accustomed to this new way of being in relationship with him. And it is the way it should be. I so appreciate you reading and commenting!
My kids are seniors this year, so I’m looking at being an empty nester soon. Our house is so full of kids right now and we’re so busy, I can’t imagine the change to come. It’s going to be hard!
Suzanne relish this year! It’s going to be a great one! You might want to read a couple of my posts on preparing for empty nest. One of them is https://drmargaretrutherford.com/3-ways-to-prepare-for-an-empty-coop. Or you can just type in “empty nest’ in the “Can’t Find What You Want?” box on my webite and everything I have written on the topic (that might be a little overwhelming…) will appear. There are several other fantastic websites devoted to the subject. @GrownandFlown @CarpoolGoddess and @EmptyHouseFullMind are 3 of them. You will be fine. Just a little preparation is a good thing! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Thank you for this BEAUTIFUL article Margaret. My youngest of three sons just turned twenty, and on my birthday no less, talk about the ultimate birthday gift, an angel from GOD, but then all of my sons are angels. And as he tries to figure out life and his future plans, I look at him and sometimes see my two-year-old whom was sickly sometimes but I would have to take to daycare everyday and hated leaving him there half the time because I had to work being that I was a single mother at the time, and because it felt like I was always missing a part of me. Going through my two oldest sons leaving home was hard enough, but I know my youngest leaving will hit me the hardest. I’ve already started to transition from being a stay-at-home mom by going back to college and am now seeking employment because I am one that needs to stay busy, plus I LOVE meeting new people and helping others when possible, but it still won’t be the same as having him home. Thank GOD for my loving and supportive Hubby who has been a BEAUTIFUL stepfather to all three of my sons since my youngest was 3 ears old… I consider him their full-fledged father in every sense of the word, and so do they. I always tell my sons to live as full a life as they can. My two oldest are married with children of their own and my youngest has a girlfriend with a good head on her shoulders, and not being able to spend time with them all as often as I’d like because of different schedules and living in different cities has been hard. But I love them very much and pray for their safety and HAPPYness every single day of their lives, and that is what comforts me and keeps me going!!<3
There is much beauty in your own words Aida. I am glad to hear a little of your personal story – happy to know that you have had such a good partner and 3 kids with whom you are close. A parent’s love for their child just simply can’t be described very well. I was older when I became a mother. I remember calling a couple of good friends, who had had children for quite a while by then. I apologized to them. I had never asked enough questions about their children! I just didn’t know what it felt like – til I had experienced it myself. They were kind and laughed. Said they understood. Thank goodness for good friends. And I am honored by your comments. Good luck on your journey!
AWWW, thank you Margaret for your kind words. I am honored to have been able to share my story through your platform. In my experience, some women I talk to cannot wait til their children are grown and out the door. But I guess each woman is different. And I feel that you should never have to apologize for asking questipns about motherhood at any age. No woman is born knowing how to care for their young until they experience it for themselves but I do understand your experience and admire you for it. 🙂
You are on target there. There are those that don’t really have a lot of empty nest issues. There could be lots of reasons for that. Lots of fighting that is now over. Some helicoptering that just can’t happen anymore. Or the opposite. There is so much helicoptering and contact – even weekend after weekend of seeing their child – that the feelings never form. Or even that someone either doesn’t do painful feelings or they did a lot of anticipatory work. When it actually happened, they were prepared! Good for them! Lots of different stories. Lots of different answers.
I so agree with your perspective of it Margaret and I love your positive attitude, have a blessed day. 🙂
Beautifully written. My nest is very full right now, so it is hard to imagine the children being grown and gone, and I don’t think I want to. But, to everything there is a season, so I’m just trying to enjoy the season we’re in. I’ve found this first week of school days has passed very quickly as I try to dig through the pile of “summer rubble” on my desk and bring order back to life, but I know there will be days when the clock tick sound will sound like a taunt.
What a great word. “Taunt”. I was wondering something similar when I wrote the piece Fawn. I think it’s hard to not become frightened by the passage of time when there are good times. Yet when you are hurting, it’s a relief to realize that “this too shall pass”. I guess we can’t have it only one way. Wonderful comment and thank you so much!