Depression and Denial: 10 Reasons You Don’t Get Depressed… But You Are.

Depression. It’s something that believe it or not, can happen to anyone… at anytime.

Today, Dr. Margaret is going to focus on how depression can seep into your life so quietly, that you don’t realize how hard you’re having to work to simply stay afloat. And yet, you can want to deny its existence for more reasons than one.

We’ll go over ten primary reasons you (or someone you care about) may deny their depression.

 

Why the denial of depression can be so strong…

As I found myself composing this list, certain people came to mind each time – who really fought this particular battle within themselves to finally reach out for help. Let me list my ten reasons for denial first.

• It’s a failure of my faith – shame
• Personal weakness or failure – shame
• Non-acknowledgement of the difficulty of its context or “reason”
• “I have too many blessings to be depressed” – toxic positivity/guilt
• Fear of depression – maybe family members/friends died by suicide or don’t get “better”
• Implosion of depression itself; energy drain (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical)
• Can’t afford to be… literally and metaphorically – “I have no time for depression”
• That’s just feeling sorry for yourself
• Stigma that still exists culturally
• Lack of support from family or relationships

We’ll tie some of these together for a minute or two.

Failure of faith or personal failure…

Living here in the Bible belt, I’ve heard this reason for denial quite a lot. And it’s tied in of course with the second reason… Depression is believed to reflect some kind of personal weakness or failure.

What I tend to do when I hear this is to call to their attention to people they’ve known and loved that may have struggled with depression. Do they think that they’re weak? No, probably not. I’ll name people like Bruce Springsteen, Abe Lincoln, and Winston Churchill who’ve struggled. And I’ll recommend talking to someone of their faith who might be helpful.

Non-acknowledgement of the difficulty of the context…

This reason for denial is very common. You’re simply not seeing -or don’t want to see – just how hard things have become. How you’re facing things you never thought you’d face. Or how some loss is so much harder than you anticipated it to be.

Not feeling in control is frightening. And if you have family members or friends who’ve struggled with depression – or even attempted suicide – or never have seemed to “get better,” that fear can be very real. And it’ll work to prevent you from seeing your own situation rationally.

In this case, I’ll what I term “normalize” whatever is happening in their lives. Transitions, losses, even real grief can be something you “ought to” be able to handle? Well, guess what? Sometimes it’s really rough. And it’s normal for you to acknowledge that it’s rough.

Too many blessings…

Don’t get me wrong. Gratitude is a wonderful thing. It offers perspective often when perspective is very needed.

But it can become its own prison. If you’re only allowed to be grateful and not acknowledge or work through some of the difficulties that come on their own or actually accompany the blessings themselves. That’s called “toxic positivity.” 

Let’s say you always wanted a big family. And now, you have one. Four kids! And… that’s four school lunches. Four sets of homework. Four loads of laundry (or more). Be grateful and recognize the difficulty at times.

It just can’t be happening to me… 

There’s never a good time to be sick. To break your arm. For your child to get in trouble. For your partner to lose their job. For our country to go to war.

But it is happening. And of course, what ties in here is the inherent energy drain of depression itself. I’ve called depression a disorder of implosion, meaning so much if not all of your energy feels targeted on the self, on you. Try as you might to get work done that’s usually very do-able, or to want to be with friends, with depression you can lose that energy and that interest.

You may not even feel like yourself. And that’s scary.

Cultural/family rejection or lack of support

Last, let’s lump three of the reasons for denial together – it’s the same as self-pity, it’s just “not talked about” and “you need to get over it.”

I know I’m a therapist. And I know that depression is very real. I’ve watched as people have worked their way through a bad depression – and it’s like meeting an entirely different person.

So, if you don’t have the support within your culture or family, If they reject the very idea that depression is real, you’ll need to find another tribe. Look for a group – talk to a friend – anything to give yourself permission to deal with what’s really going on.

You can make other choices. But they’re not good ones.

By the way… 

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