What Emotional Abuse Sounds Like: Three Stories of Healing

Today, you’re going to read what emotional abuse sounds like. It doesn’t leave physical scars. it doesn’t have to.

 

Debbie

Debbie sat, quietly crying in my office, “I don’t think I should’ve left. The boys miss him. They blame me for the divorce.”

She’d been the wife of a very popular and well-liked coach… and a victim of constant, pounding verbal and emotional abuse. It had been a little over two years since Debbie’s chaotic divorce. She and her two boys were living in a garage apartment behind her parents’ home. Her ex had made noise about wanting primary custody of the children, but had not fought for it. When they met to exchange the boys, he barely spoke to her as he hugged the children.

She was working full-time at a small insurance agency, whereas before she’d only worked part-time. Still, she was barely making ends meet. Her ex had received a promotion and had purchased a large, new home; he was more financially secure than ever.

Debbie wasn’t ready for dating: her ex was on dating sites before the divorce was even final. Now his Facebook account was full of pictures of his arm around his new girlfriend, who the boys said is always around.

Debbie was lonely, she’d gained weight, and was scared about her future. She was fighting off depression.

She tearfully wondered, “Should I have stayed? It wasn’t all that bad. It’s not like he hit me.”

Todd

Todd was a man in his early 50’s who worked in administration at the local University. He was a quiet guy, gentle in his demeanor. He’d been married for over 30 years.

“We married young and I loved her so much; I still do in a way. I don’t want to leave – we’ve been through so much with the kids and drugs with our oldest – and we’ve done a decent job. But I get so tired of her screaming at me. I do everything wrong. She has to be in control. I don’t know what happened to her over the years. I get mad back sometimes, but it does no good.”

He looked up, more than a little ashamed, “Sometimes, she slaps me. I would never hit back. I hide in the bathroom. I don’t know how to stop her. Honestly, the yelling hurts more than the slaps. Plus Aiden never calls anymore, and Audrey says she’s too busy with her new job to visit.”

Abby

Abby was a well-put-together woman in her early 40’s. A junior executive at a huge corporation, she was a rising star. She’d recently separated from her husband, and was getting a divorce. They had no children.

She was outfitting her new apartment, something she’d never done, as she moved straight from her parents’ home into one with her husband. One day she went to Pier One to buy pillows, “I got in the store, and realized I had no clue what I liked any more; I bought all three colors because I couldn’t choose. For ten years, I’d been told that my taste was terrible. He wouldn’t like what clothes I had on and would make me change outfits until he approved. He often said what I cooked wasn’t worth eating and would throw food at me. I gave up trusting myself.”

“He didn’t hit me, but he would hold my arm behind my back or push me up against a wall. He would get in my face and mock me when I would try to get away.”

And then slowly, with a new look of sadness in her eyes, “He would make me have sex, when I didn’t want to. I’d just lie there until it was over.”

Domestic Violence Awareness Month…

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. There are far too many people who suffer physical or sexual violence at home, every day of their lives.

Yet sometimes, emotional abuse is harder to understand; it doesn’t leave bruises or broken bones. But the damage is still very real. Here’s what happened in therapy – when Debbie, Todd and Abby were my own patients.

Debbie’s treatment…

I asked Debbie to invite her girlfriends over for a night when the kids were gone. Her assignment? To ask them what they remembered about how her husband treated her and how she’d been affected. She returned with a four-page list, and tears of recognition and relief, “I’d forgotten so much of this. I needed to forget at the time- but now, I need to remember.”

She needed to grieve. First – that her marriage had ended and it would take time for her children to adjust. Second – that her ex seemed incapable of taking his share of the responsibility for the divorce and work on parenting well together. And third – she needed to realize that she could achieve emotional closure on her own and move on.

Todd’s treatment…

Todd’s work was to learn to respond (and not react) to his wife’s emotional instability, which was surfacing as a rigid need for control. He needed to assert himself and draw boundaries about what was acceptable. Both he and his wife had become demoralized, trying to keep their adult child away from drugs. We talked about them creating more of a life for the two of them, but that he also could consider the option of leaving if, indeed, she was unable or unwilling to change along with him.

He came back, over a year later. He was divorcing his wife, telling me he could still care for her while giving her the message that her still constant abuse was unacceptable. “I finally realized I had to fight for myself.”

And Abby’s treatment… 

Watching Abby find her emotional freedom was just as gratifying.

Her first assignment was to decide what color pillow she liked best and take the rest back.

The grieving she faced was immense. She began challenging the many demeaning messages that she’d absorbed, while also rediscovering her own sense of self and value. Moreover, we spent a lot of time working through the sexual abuse that had occurred within her marriage. This can be tough, because often it is shrouded in confusion and secrecy. Abby was at times unsure whether she should even call it “abuse.”

Let’s be clear. Maybe one day you’re not quite in the mood and wouldn’t instigate sex yourself, but your partner wants to; since you love your partner and bringing them pleasure is something you want to do, you agree. That’s fine, because you still are choosing to do something.

But being forced? No matter what the circumstances, that’s sexual abuse.

After only a few session, Abby proudly told me her favorite color was blue. And smiled as she said it.

(Some of you who are reading this are in relationships just like one of the above. Here are two podcasts on the difficulty of leaving: a podcast on what’s termed trauma bonds and a post on my own experience of how difficult it is to leave. )

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence shelters usually run groups that are open to the public. Find out the number for the shelter in your area. Call and attend a group. If you can’t do that, call the local abuse hotline or the National Abuse Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE.

 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Photo by Bianca Salgado from Pexels.

Originally published on October 31, 2015; updated and republished on September 27, 2024.