An Excerpt from The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook

What you’ll find in this post is an excerpt from my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook. Hope you enjoy!

It was my mom who looked to everyone that she was happy, busy, and fulfilled. But she had tremendous secrets within her.

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Secrets.

Some are fun to keep. Some are kept with a purpose in mind, as if the secret is empowering you to risk or fight for something vital.

Yet some are hidden away, cloaked in shame. Revealing this kind of secret, hearing words come out of your mouth that would expose the secret, seems impossible.

This book is written for those of you who, perhaps for years, have used a perfect-seeming existence and tight emotional control as camouflage for secret emotional pain.

I want to ask you a question. Is it possible for you to think of revealing those secrets, in your own time and in your own way, as a choice that will make you stronger?

For many of you who’ve clung to the need to seem completely in control of your life, that’s a tall order. It may even feel impossible. And yet, what if it is possible? What if there’s a way out of rigid perfectionism that doesn’t require sacrificing a sense of achievement or drive? What if you could model this new way of being for your kids and give them permission to make mistakes or reveal their struggles?

You may not know how to do this…or even believe it’s possible. What you probably do know is that something’s wrong.

It’s why you picked up this workbook. Because you feel pummeled by the constant, insistent pressure to perform at your peak. You feel trapped inwardly, while outwardly you look as if you don’t have a care in the world. Maybe that facade is becoming too hard to maintain and you’re becoming downright scared.

You don’t know how to express the pain you feel. You’ve never known or been taught how to express those feelings.

But there’s a catch. You also don’t want to give up what you’ve gained from your achievements. You don’t want to upset the applecart of your life.

You can have both. You can unlock the door that those secrets have been hidden behind slowly. You can carefully work to become more comfortable with risk. And you can experience the empowerment that comes from being both aware of your pain, even connected with it, while maintaining and building your success. Your definition of success may change. But that change can evolve naturally from a growing sense of self-compassion and self-acceptance.

 

PHD Workbook: Feeling Pain Is Part of Being Human…

There are lessons to be learned from not keeping your pain a secret. Whether the pain is recognized by you and demands every resource you can gather to battle it, or it lies beneath the surface of what you portray to others, as in perfectly hidden depression, denial or dismissal of that pain only feeds its growth. Those emerging from the need to seem perfect gain a kind of freedom that they’ve never experienced.

You can find that freedom. And a new brand of resilience.

Take a moment to write down your initial reaction to these thoughts.

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You may be wondering, what’s the difference between “depression” and “pain”?

Let me clarify. Depression, in its most formal sense, is a mental illness. Emotional pain can be at the core of classic depression, such as pain over loss that doesn’t seem to relent. There are other symptoms—mental fogginess, fatigue, a sense of hopelessness or helplessness, sleep disturbance, weight gain or loss, not enjoying things you used to enjoy, and primary mood changes that are negative, sad, or agitated. Symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include suicidal ideation. However, not all depressions are connected to loss or grief.

Emotional pain is a feeling, not a mental illness. We all carry it. It can feel tolerable or intolerable, be accepted or denied, or be understood or ignored. If it feels intolerable or dangerous or overwhelming, your mind can seemingly help you out in the form of compartmentalization.

PHD Workbook: Compartmentalization

You might ask yourself, Do I want to feel this feeling right now? Is it safe to do so? If the answer is no, your mind suppresses that feeling, deliberately changing your focus. You consciously push that emotion away.

Let me illustrate this. If your beloved dog died one morning, but you had a class to teach, you’d suppress your sadness. You’d decide, “I just can’t think (or feel) about that right now.” The same would happen if you’d won the lottery! Good or bad, you’d put it away. (If you can’t do this, if your emotions totally run your life, then that is another problem or issue, and almost opposite of what’s involved in perfectly hidden depression.)

Another name for suppression is compartmentalization, a concept that might be easier to imagine. It’s like boxing something up. When you compartmentalize a memory or emotion, you put it away in a box and stow it away, not focusing on it or giving it attention.

Try this exercise. Draw boxes and label them with an experience or time when you “boxed something up” and put it away. It could be a feeling, a memory, or an event. Did you take that box back out and process what happened? Or did you leave it in some closet somewhere, gathering dust?

(Draw boxes here…)

When something unexpected happens, whether it’s good or bad, but you need to attend and focus on something else at that moment, the ability to suppress the event and its accompanying emotions is helpful. It helps you manage your day. It helps you maintain stability. What’s interesting is that suppression/compartmentalization—which is a mostly conscious process—can seep into the unconscious through a process called repression. Think about learning to drive a car. You purposefully put the key in (or grabbed your fob), then learned when to use the turn signal and how to coordinate your feet on the pedals, all while some adult was critiquing every move. You now get in your car—and go. What you learned consciously has become something you do unconsciously. You don’t have to think about what you’re doing.

What other things did you learn but now you do without thinking? What can you practically do in your sleep?

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We’ll talk later about the problems inherent in rigid compartmentalization. But you can keep the idea in your back pocket for now.

PHD Workbook: From Protection to Prison

Following the rules set out for you, adapting to and coping with whatever was experienced inside your home, meant emotional and mental survival. Becoming “perfect-looking” wasn’t some decision or strategy you intentionally devised.

After all, you were a kid.

Here’s the irony. The compartmentalization of emotional pain—the protective armor of saying “I’m fine” or “I’ve got this”—may have become an identity that you now feel you cannot escape. This perfectionistic camouflage that initially served as protection can become its own kind of prison.

What does that prison look like to the outside world? Likely a life that from the “outside in” appears successful and happy. You’re the highly successful (and compassionate) divorce lawyer. The boss who knows everyone’s birthday. The community volunteer who can get things done. You’re known for your integrity, generosity, intelligence, caring, and leadership.

But from the “inside out,” you feel constant pressure, even fear.

Thus, it can become vital to guard that prison diligently, both from within—where you can’t allow painful emotions to resurface—and from without, where you remain hypervigilant, fearing someone might guess your secret struggle. You must do double duty so that no one can see that your prison even exists. You’re both prisoner and guard simultaneously. And you’ll go to great lengths to prevent anyone from figuring that out.

This pattern can become so much of who you understand yourself to be that you may not realize exactly what you’re doing, feeling, or better yet…not feeling.

There’s immense cost to this constant pressure.

Chelsea’s Story

Chelsea came in to see me because she’d watched my TEDx on perfectly hidden depression. “I don’t know what even made me watch it. It was something about the ‘perfectly hidden’ part,” she said. Then she laughed sarcastically. “I have so many secrets I’m not sure where to start. Or if I can really do this at all.” When I asked her if she felt any fear, she simply stated, “I’m afraid all of who I am will fall apart. It’s like pulling on a loose thread on a sweater. Pretty soon, the whole thing will be ripped up and unwearable.” She said this to me matter-of-factly, without any emotion.

But her fear was deep.

Can you imagine coming into therapy and beginning to pull on those loose threads? What do you fear might happen?

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By the way… 

Send me a message about what your own mom was like!! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!