A Healing Choice The Duggars Could Have Made
Many families have secrets.
The Duggars are among them.
Whether or not you follow them zealously, ignore them, or actively disagree with their way of life, the now known fact that the eldest son, Josh, sexually abused three of his younger sisters and two other girls may be having an effect on you.
He was 14 at the time. He wasn’t charged with a crime. Nor did he receive any psychological treatment. Rather, he was sent away. Worked at a home improvement company with a family friend, who acted as some kind of mentor. His father, after several months, took him to an Arkansas state trooper, a friend of the family, who did not act. By the time the Springdale, Arkansas police had heard about it in 2006, due to a faxed report from Oprah’s Harpo Studios to the Department of Human Services, it was too late.
The son, Josh, has said his parents provided counseling for his sisters and the other girls, but the kind of counseling is not mentioned. Anywhere. He asked their forgiveness and stated he received it.
Even if that’s the whole story (which it may not be), the girls’ childhoods ended in many ways. They may still have nightmares. Flashbacks. Anxiety. Depression. Struggle with worth. Or may not.
They have not spoken.
Josh Duggar’s statements have been contradictory. “I understood that if I continued this wrong road that I would be ruining my life.” That disturbing statement, in its focus solely on his own life, seems to be the response of someone who may still not realize the impact he had on his victims. Yet he confessed to his potential wife two years prior to their marriage, which does seem to indicate that he was taking responsibility.
“He should have been criminally charged,” is what I am hearing.
It is a felony. Carries with it potential years of prison time. And it should. I have seen the damage firsthand of what sexual abuse may do to a woman or a man. It can be horrendous. Plunging someone into a life full of self-doubt and shame. Sometimes there are such terrible sexual problems that affect the victim’s intimate life or ability to become pregnant. Or other mental health complications.
It would be hard for parents to do what is legally, morally and psychologically “right.” It would be easier to try to do what you could or what you believed necessary to make it stop.
They all, after all, are your children.
In this case, that wasn’t true. There were other children, other families involved. Plus the abuse had been “addressed” after an initial report. But then continued.
I helped a mom I highly respected years ago. She was told by her then older teenage daughter that her son had, many years prior, sexually abused her. The mom immediately confronted him. He initially denied, then admitted it. The entire family worked with counselors to come up with a plan that took several years to accomplish. That plan? For the daughter to find healing through therapy and have an opportunity to confront when ready. For the son to get counseling, share what he was learning and how he was changing with family members. His mom would come to some of those sessions as well to work out her own feelings toward him. For there to be no contact between the daughter and the son until the time the daughter was ready for it.
My patient tried to survive it all. Loving both of them. Being disgusted by her son’s behavior. Feeling guilty that she had not known. Or stopped it.
What clinicians who work in sexual assault recovery are concerned about is the message the Duggar story gives to those victims. That you being hurt is not important enough for anyone to get punished.
Bobbi Parish, trauma recovery specialist, immediately put out a video for victims with a strong message of support.
Anyone who works in this field has heard countless cries.
“Everyone thinks he is so wonderful.”
“I can’t believe he did this to me, and because I can’t prove it – it’s “he said, she said,” nothing is going to happen.”
“She and her friends did it to me over and over. Mother knew and never said a word.”
“How can he just get away with this?”
There are people in our culture who have had personal problems, learned through them and then acted to help others. The founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. Dr. Patrick Carnes – who has developed an entire treatment regimen and training for clinicians in sexual addiction, an addict himself. Betty Ford – who sought treatment for her alcohol problems and then began her own treatment center. Many, many others who are not famous. But go to high schools, churches or wherever they can get their message to the people that need to hear it. Talk about how easy it can be to make mistakes that hurt themselves and others.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar did not guide their son to be one of those people. They likely were protecting him from going to jail. Or perhaps their own reputation. I don’t know. But it’s at the risk of giving their daughters the message of “your pain is insignificant”.
Josh Duggar, as an adult, did not choose to be one of those people either. It would have been a difficult decision. He would have had to talk with his sisters. Get their permission. Instead, he and his family kept the secret. He could have been someone who helped others to see that these kinds of problems exist in all types of families. From the most conservatively religious to the most liberal.
Maybe helped others stop abusing. Raise awareness.
Maybe he still will.
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I think people understand the lifelong impact sexual abuse has—and incestous abuse is especially hard. You’re right—the daughters, I can’t imagine how they are suffering though they might have repressed it big time.
Though I will always speak out against abuse I feel stymied in this case because I don’t understand their religion. I know it’s fundamentalist, scares me, and treats women like chattel. But I’m not Christian and therefore only feel right taking about the abuse and not on facebook or in a blog post because I live in the bible belt and don’t want to inadvertently offend anything good about their religion though really…
For me—I have never understood how a person can “confess” and be redeemed. I was brought up to believe that confessing is nothing. First you confess, then you do something as you said to make it better and you go into therapy to understand why. then you feel guilt forever but that’s my family..
I know the recidivism rate among abusers is incredibly high. That’s been known for years and had the Duggars bothered to do the most minimal research they would have come across very frightening stats. Maybe they did and it scared them. It’s also believed by many that the only therapy that usually works for abusers is group therapy—and I can’t imagine a Duggar doing that unless it’s all Duggars.
I hope the daughters get help. I expect nothing good from the parents and Joshua
I was aware when I wrote the post PiaSav that perhaps, in their belief system, asking for forgiveness and being forgiven, is all that it takes. I couldn’t help but remember a female patient who had been sexually molested by her brother. And sat by him in church every Sunday with tears streaming down her face. Churchgoers thought she was moved by the service. She never brought herself to confront him with how the abuse had really affected her. I tried to help her and hope I did to some extent. But she could not decide to confront. It was against “forgiveness” in what she believed. She had no intimate life with her husband. She couldn’t. She was miserable. Thank you for your very thoughtful comment.
I was aware when I wrote the post PiaSav that perhaps, in their belief system, asking for forgiveness and being forgiven, is all that it takes. I couldn’t help but remember a female patient who had been sexually molested by her brother. And sat by him in church every Sunday with tears streaming down her face. Churchgoers thought she was moved by the service. She never brought herself to confront him with how the abuse had really affected her. I tried to help her and hope I did to some extent. But she could not decide to confront. It was against “forgiveness” in what she believed. She had no intimate life with her husband. She couldn’t. She was miserable. Thank you for your very thoughtful comment.
Somehow one did wonder how they could have so many children and nary a thing go wrong, but I am saddened that it had to be this kind of thing which falls into the category I feel that they are not very healthy in to begin with. I would like to think that this could be an opportunity for good, healthy and important things to move forward on this topic, but so far, not so much, at least not from that Duggars. All the focus seems to be on the son and his path, with little emphasis on the victims. I have always been leery of this family and now feel somewhat confirmed in my intuition. I just hope they don’t make tons of money having this sensationalized for all the wrong reasons. Certainly teenagers with hormones make mistakes but this goes well beyond this, in my opinion. Isn’t it ironic though how intensely critical they, and particularly Josh, are of people and their sexuality choices. “Me thinks thou dost protest too much” (Shakespeare) comes to mind -pointing their fingers outwardly and hiding secrets inwardly
Yes for sure Deborah. I wanted to focus on the victims so didn’t veer off into their political/social influence or attempts at influence. Here in Northwest Arkansas – after all they probably don’t live more than 30 minutes from me – they have tried to wield a huge influence over social policy. And it’s obviously been with an extremely conservative bent. Thanks for your comment. As always, you add much to the discussion.
Yes for sure Deborah. I wanted to focus on the victims so didn’t veer off into their political/social influence or attempts at influence. Here in Northwest Arkansas – after all they probably don’t live more than 30 minutes from me – they have tried to wield a huge influence over social policy. And it’s obviously been with an extremely conservative bent. Thanks for your comment. As always, you add much to the discussion.
They said we forgive him and that’s the end of it? What about the other children? They likely knew if they reported him that he would be taken out of the home to protect the other children. But by not reporting him they broke Child Protection laws and all the children could have been removed. They all have to live with their decisions, but what happened to these babies hurts so much.
The report indicates the statute of limitations in Arkansas for child abuse investigation is three years. And that seems to have protected him due to the way all the things occurred. As far as the role of forgiveness, I know as a clinician, the word “forgiveness” means so many things to so many different people due to their spiritual beliefs that I do not talk about it in therapy. If my patients bring it up, then great. Thank you for commenting.
I’m stunned. This is not just sexual abuse, it is incest. Those poor sisters are dealing with the pain of both. The son is a deviant, who will likely abuse again. It’s about power and he deserves punishment. There should not be a statute of limitations on child abuse!
It is a complicated and not so complicated case all at the same time Jennifer. As someone said on Facebook, if any professionals had been involved, reporting would have been mandatory. Thanks for your comment.
With all due respect, I think you are ignoring a major reason this was kept secret for years–money. Their show would have been cancelled. By keeping this under wraps, the money continued to flow and the Duggars continued to reproduce, live, and preach their hypocritical lifestyle, always hyper-vigilant for sin in others (gays, pro-choice advocates, etc.). I wonder how pro-life they would have been if one of these abused girls had become pregnant with her brother’s child? Judgmental hypocrites, indiscriminately breeding in an over-populated world, ignoring orphans that desperately need homes. Now, the jig is finally up. Jesus is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card. Women seem to be undervalued in the Duggar world, except as brood mares.
Hi Trinity02. I wanted to stay away from assumptions of motivation. In fact, toward the end, when I got close, i quickly stated, ‘I don’t know’ and left it at that. Nor did I want it to drift in the direction of commenting about their religious views. I wanted the post’s direction to be about the victims. Thank you for stating your point respectfully. I am sure there are those who agree with you. And those who don’t.
Such a sad, difficult situation, isn’t it?
Yes. How very true.
My oldest brother has the same “it’s all about me” approach to what he did to me years ago. In a conversation with our other brother (who finally confirmed that this happened at all) his concern was whether he could still get in trouble with the law for it. Not that he ruined any chance for me to have a relationship with a guy, not that what he did was disgusting and unforgiveable. He dismissed it as “regular experimentation”. My other brother’s response to that was, “for 5 years?” The only thing close to remorse that he’s shown is that “I’ve done some bad things in my life that I’ll have to answer for.” Me, Me, and Me again.
I have seen a few therapists who basically wasted my time. I am not consumed with anger about this anymore, because after 30 years, someone finally confirmed something I’ve known to be true nearly my entire life.
I don’t expect anyone else in my family to cut him out of their life, but I’ve had nothing to do with him for almost 20 years now, and I don’t miss him a bit.
Wow Stacey. What a powerful statement. Thank you so much. With your permission, I may copy this as a perfect example of the damage done by the lack of victim awareness and empowerment. Such a jargonistic word – I don’t really like it but there it is. Regular experimentation my friggin eye. I am so so sorry that happened to you. How disgusting about him and demeaning for you. I am glad, if he has never accepted responsibility, or begged forgiveness and atoned somehow, that you have cut off contact. Again thank you.