517 SelfWork: Challenging Your Fear and The Underlying Assumptions That Keep It Alive

There’s a word for intense fear of change. Metathesiophobia.

That’s when your fear of change is so strong and affects your life so intensely that you’ve developed an actual phobia around change. If that has become the case, then you’d avoid any change in your life as much as possible and stay in a constant state of agitation or vigilance about potential change.

And some people do just that.

But change is inevitable. Time brings change. People change. Children change. Circumstances change. Cultures change. Even beliefs can change.

Yet you could live a life denying change. You could keep treating your kids like kids, instead of seeing them grow into their own beings. You could fight your body changing and aging with all sorts of anti-aging products.  You could see cultural change and fear it so much that you become paranoid about its impact and fight against it, surrounding yourself with people who share your beliefs. And share your fear.

In this episode of SelfWork, we’ll tackle this very important distinction: how you’re fearing something because of the limited information you have about it, not realizing how your own assumptions about it are keeping you afraid.

You may not believe a change is positive and have rational reasons to be against it – that makes sense. But when you’re so afraid of a change in your belief, for example, or being open to questioning “what you know” that – out of that irrational fear – you’ll fight even changing your mind or being open to other information. And in fact, you’ll fight it tooth and nail and work to ensure that what you fear doesn’t happen.

 

The fear of cultural change…

Katherine Hepburn was an actress way back in the 1930’s and into the 60’s and 70’s that fought the Hollywood system of how it wanted its female stars to look and act and be.  She was opinionated, refusing to play any version of the simpering dependent female of the times. And she refused many demands that the studios tried to make of her. And she also had a long-standing and “openly secret” affair with Spencer Tracy, who was a married man.

They were both huge stars at the time.

They made several movies together, but perhaps my favorite was “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” where Sidney Poitier gave the audience a sterling performance as a black man who wanted to marry the white daughter of Hepburn and Spencer. Roy Glenn and Beah Richards were outstanding as Poitier’s parents. The movie was shocking to many at the time – part of either welcome cultural change for some and greatly feared change for others.

The fear of this cultural change oozes out of many scenes. There’s an aching awareness of the contempt that many would have for a mixed-race couple. Poitier’s parents, especially his father, was horrified at the idea. Their fight would be tremendous, given the time and the dominant, racist beliefs at the time.

But Tracy’s speech at the end of the movie is magnificent as he goes on to give his support for the love his daughter and Poitier’s character share. And the primacy of that love.

The fear of personal loss…

But there was another kind of painful awareness going on – on an actual, real-life level.

Tracy himself was very sick when that scene was filmed. And Hepburn’s eyes – overflowing with tears as she listened to Tracy speak – didn’t simply demonstrate the power of her acting. She understood the amount of physical pain the choice to do this role was costing him. She knew he was dying, as did he. And the pain of that was likely washing over her, as she sat and listened to Tracy – the actor –  as his character gives his complete support for their daughter’s marriage. And hearing the message Tracy  – the person – was determined to give to the public, condemning racism.

Tracy died 17 days after filming that scene.

How do you decide what to fear and what not to fear…

Maybe you’re someone who makes the choices you do because they feel predictable to you. And there’s usually a reason that you do that. That predictability, that reliability – is your definite preference. You go to a restaurant and order the same thing every time is a very common example of this. Much of your life feels ordered.

Nothing wrong with that.

Or maybe you’re someone who may have a favorite restaurant, but you like to go to other restaurants and try new things.

Most of us can understand and even laugh together about those differences. Those of us who follow a recipe or need a recipe before delving into cooking something compared to those of us who “throw things together” in the kitchen or may “sort of” follow a recipe but are always wanting to change things up a bit.

Fear is not a part of our emotional state when we communicate about these kinds of things.

But what if the subject came up of whether two people who loved each other should be supported in marriage when the color of their skin was different? In 2026, that’s common practice, although there are still those who believe it’s wrong.

All of a sudden, fear can greatly influence how we view and treat one another.

It’s when our differences hold fear within them – that that fear can lead to distrust, contempt, and even hatred. And then, you can seek protection from your fear in ways that may, in reality, only perpetuate it.

Challenging assumptions that lead you to fear…

How do you have reasonable and productive conversations about your differences from others when you’re afraid?

For me, here’s where challenging your assumptions comes in.

Certainly, a change might be proposed, let’s say, in your community that you oppose. Here in the United States and in other democracies, the idea is that we have the right to agree or disagree with each other. And we have the right to voice those opinions.

But here’s what an important question: how much does the lens you’re looking through change what you see

If or when my own lens – my way of seeing something – leads me to be afraid, then that fear may be quite legitimate.

Yet what if those fears are based on assumptions you’re making that are flawed?

How your assumptions lead you to fear…

I saw a powerful clip (which I now can’t find much to my consternation) that addresses such assumptions – and how they’re tied into making judgements about others.

A group of people were brought together, maybe about 100 of them. They were all dressed differently, vastly different “looks” and ages, genders and races. And they were introduced to each other or “labeled” as a “certain kind of people” or that they had one variable that made them seem highly connected with each other. “Kids who don’t care about fitting in.” or “People who are tired of feeling blown off by the government.” Or “People who go to church regularly.”

Each participant was asked to check in with themselves and become aware of the decisions they were making about each person, what they were like, whether you felt afraid or distrustful of them. Whether you felt close to them somehow or wouldn’t feel comfortable with them. Remember, all you had was your visual assessment of them along with the initial description of how they were connected. No one had spoken a word.

They formed a big circle, remaining in their initial groupings.

Now these 100 individuals  were asked to group themselves differently by silently answering questions that were going to be asked of them. If the answer to the question was yes, their instructions were to move to the center of the group and stand together, grouped by who’d said yes.  Here came the questions. “Were you ever bullied?” The group watched to see who might move. All of a sudden the initial groupings changed, even drastically. And what was immediately obvious was the diversity of ‘looks’ that this new group was composed of. There were church goers and kids who didn’t want to fit in and people who felt jipped by the government then formed a completely new group.

Then, the question was asked – “Were you ever the bully?” And then another new group was formed. Again, a very diverse group was created.

Other questions had to do with grief. Or loss.

As you observed, you were likely to realize just how much your judgement of someone – whether they were safe or not for example – was tied to that first piece of information you had about them. But how quickly  your perception of someone changed as you found out more about them – when they became more of a whole person with a history maybe even someone like your own.

How your judgement changes as your lens changes…

I was reminded of the experience of looking through a kaleidoscope. Colors and shapes swarm in different combinations as you slowly turn the kaleidoscope. So, the colors (or in the number of individuals) remained the same in its entirety but the groups of individuals completely changed when how the groups were to be defined changed. Or basically –  as your “lens” began to change and even be transformed.

This was a dramatic exercise that was meant to challenge what each of us can assume about someone – even within our very first encounter with them or what we’d been told about them. And how those assumptions may not allow us to see an individual for who they really are; rather, we all can assume we “know.”

It makes life more simple, perhaps.

But also assumptions can keep fear and distrust in place. And when our assumptions, instead of being challenged, are manipulated – then we can grow closer and closer, more tightly connected with one group or another. And you can begin to believe that you “know” the truth.

A takeaway from this episode on fear…

Here’s what I’d like for you to take away from this episode.

I’d recommend that you do your own experiment. Start noticing what you assume about others around you… and how much your assumption leads you to make decisions about them. And then realize… others are doing that with you. All of the time.

Perhaps they’re only seeing what they fear in you. And not all of you.

It can be an uneasy feeling.

By the way… 

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