507 SelfWork: How to Effectively Talk To A Perfectionist

The subject for today is how to talk with a perfectionist about your concern for them. Or if you’re the perfectionist, how to allow someone into your world enough for you to hear that concern.

Perfectionism is hard to talk about with the perfectionist themselves.  But if you love or simply know someone who follows rigid rules of what’s the best way to do something or needs to create something that’s going to wow everyone who’s involved, maybe the way that some event is going to be the most successful it’s ever been – you can sense the tenseness that lies barely underneath the surface. But if you say anything, “Hey why don’t you take a day off and just do nothing?” The person will kind of bow up or laugh and say, “Oh gosh, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I just laid around for a day.” Maybe even silently they’ll wonder what you could be seeing that they’re very invested in you not seeing.

I understand this on a lot of different levels. When creating a life of achievement, a life where you’re looked up to, you’re admired and respected, you’re efficient and proficient at many things – it can begin to grow in power over you. The more success you have, the more success you must go for.  You make sure your best is THE best it can be. The need to achieve becomes relentless, as is the need for no one to see just how hard you’re having to push yourself to seem that much in control. Of everything. All the time.

At the same time, that success – that tight control over your emotions – has become your protection. Protection from what? That can vary from person to person. Protection from feeling empty. Protection from loneliness. Protection from memories that are very painful and thus, feel like that they must be kept out of your daily awareness.

So… given this scenario… if you’re the one seeing this person jumping through every hoop possible, never letting up, and can sense just how up tight they stay every minute of the day,  you can sense what it’s costing them to live on that ever-churning treadmill, how are you supposed to reach out to them?

 

What not to say to a perfectionist…

It’s certainly not going to work for you to say things like, “Gosh, you never sit down and relax. Why don’t you do that more? I can take up where you left off!” This may be right on target. But it misses the fact that their busy-ness – their control over things around them– also is their defense mechanism. It’s how they control their fear.

And if it’s you that’s perfectionistic to a fault, then do you realize that you cover up any sense of shame or anger that you might feel.  How you don’t really know how to talk about or reveal painful emotions – so to keep them away, you shove them down and try to banish them into nonexistence. And you do that through always meeting others’ expectations of you – a job that’s almost impossible to do. But that’s what you do best – tackle the impossible.

So how in the world is someone supposed to reach out to someone else who fits this pattern? It’s tough. Even as a therapist, when someone comes in who’s identified with perfectly hidden depression, I use a different set of skills.

The paradox of perfectionists… 

Perfectionists tend to believe strongly that their effort or their accomplishments are something that others wish they had the organization or energy to do – and they’d be right about that often. So, they could easily interpret you saying, “You know, this birthday party (or work assignment or volunteer event) doesn’t have to be a big deal” as not about your concern for the impact of the level of effort you see them putting into things. If anything, it’s kinda like telling an anorexic they’re too thin. That’s a badge of honor to them when they are in the depths of their illness. It’s a sign that their efforts at creating something that’s seen as special are working!

The paradox here is that being seen as someone who always tries to attain or create something extra special awards the very need or urgency underneath their seeming security. “I cannot make a mistake. I cannot fail. The quality of what I try to do means everything to me.” What they don’t allow themselves to realize is that they’ve grown very dependent on that actual message. “I not only met your expectations I surpassed them.”

The feedback loop of the perfectionist… 

• Accepting responsibility for something that automatically becomes an expectation of being the best it can be (whether those expectations are stated by others or simply the perfectionist’s internal yardstick for measuring success)
• Making decisions about how to make that something extra special or “perfect”
• Not allowing anyone to see the hard work and time and energy that this responsibility is costing you
• Receiving feedback about the perfect-ness of the “something” you created
• Relief – briefly.
• Seeking and finding the next “something” to do perfectly due to the need to receive the positive feedback

So, there’s a growing dependence on the affirmation. That’s why or that’s what’s underneath the continual seeking of tasks or “somethings” to do perfectly. You climb up a rung of the success ladder and there’s always another rung.

It’s exhausting. And addictive.

Five things to use as you approach your perfectionist…

• Make sure you’re aware of the protection that perfectionism can bring. Realize that they likely will be anxious or even afraid of you seeing through their camouflage. Their drive and insistence on achievement at the highest level has been their go-to, best friend.
• Give them lots of control over the discussion. You definitely want to talk “with’ them not at them.
• Instead of commenting on what you think is going on, tell them first about what you notice. Maybe you’re concerned about their lack of emotional connection with things that might naturally seem hard. Here’s an example: “I hear you telling our kids that making mistakes is okay. But I feel that the pressure you put on yourself not to make mistakes is very real.”
• You don’t want to approach with judgment. But with compassion. Saying things like, “I can’t imagine how hard it is sometimes to do all that you do – how many sacrifices you make to make sure things are always going smoothly.”
• Be honest about the role you may unintentionally or intentionally play that supports their camouflage. You can ask yourself, “Do I count on them or expect them to always take on more than their share of responsibility? Or “How comfortable am I with deeper emotional transparency?” It may be that your own relationship with them is part of what’s supporting them to stay just as they are.  However, you might also say to them, “You know, I don’t know you much better than I knew you on the day we married. And I want to know you better….”.
• Share with them what you may know about perfectly hidden depression and support them learning more about it or going into therapy. The roots of this camouflage of the perfect-seeming life usually go quite far back. Somewhere along the way, either due to abuse or intensely high expectation or simply growing up in a home where emotional pain was ignored or avoided or punished, they may have adopted an achievement-orientation “at any cost” as a means of protection and positive identity.

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