5 Ways To Help Empty Nest Heal
I gave my 2 year post-empty-nest report card on Midlife Boulevard several months ago.
Then received this comment.
Please address healthy, good ideas for finding your new place where you fit in their life and staying close. I realize also, that there is nothing you can do, really. They need to be left alone….. The hardest part for me is the not sharing life, anymore, not knowing the friends, as one blog connected to yours said so well… ‘Knowing them a little less’ and the author said she ‘never wanted to know her kids less.’ I do not struggle to accept this stage, as I know we pray, trust God and embrace where we are. It is just lonely, hard.
The reader is quoting Lisa Endlich Heffernan of Grown and Flown. That post was incredible. I would suggest reading it.
As a therapist, I am always trying to focus not just on concepts, but on tangibles. Helping people make concrete change.
So what are the things you can do to help yourself get on with life after empty nest?
1) “Find something you love as much as you loved mothering (parenting…).”
This is a quote from Midlife Boulevard’s editor-in-chief, Sharon Greenthal on the Katie Couric show. This was a thought-provoking challenge. Probably those who suffer most keenly from empty nest are those that threw themselves into parenting.
You were there. All the time.
Searching for and finding another passion that might feel worthy of that kind of energy? Perhaps difficult.
So how do you find it?
When I ponder that question, I realize that parenting developed a part of me that would have lain dormant if I had not had that opportunity. 
Maybe that’s the point. Perhaps we can all find another part of ourselves to be developed. Another aspect of ourselves lying asleep. Waiting to be discovered.
Your spiritual self. Creative self. Maybe physical self.
Just try it. Have fun doing it.
Maybe it’s something you wanted to do “years ago.” The excuse of, “Oh, now I’m too old for that?”
Unless it’s vying for the Miss America title, I’d say go for it. There’s bound to be some form of almost every activity that could be enjoyed at any age.
You just have to look.
2) Nurture and deepen your primary relationship.
Now is the time to get out that bucket list with your partner. Talk about goals you have together. Things for the two of you to share. That you can both work on. That will bring you closer.
(If you don’t have a partner, you can do the same with friends. Or family members.)
A garden. A trip. Volunteering for an organization. Fixing up a room in your home. Learning to dance.
Talk about any emotional hurts that are keeping the two of you stuck in the past. So that you can be in the present together. Enjoy each other’s company. Maybe even in ways that you could not when kids were around.
3) Make new friends while honoring the old.
Your child’s life is moving on. They are making new friends. Traveling to new places. You need to have fresh things to look forward to as well!
Have a neighbor over that you have always wanted to get to know. Join or form a book club. Being socially connected keeps us invigorated. Keeps energy in our lives.
Honor friends that have been there for you. Now that the little rascals are gone, there is more time for them.
Reach out.
4) Get comfortable with your “not knowing.”
They are changing. There is stuff you have to ask now that you just knew before.
It does feel awkward to stop and ask your child, “Do you like tomatoes on your salad?” He didn’t used to like tomatoes. In fact, he hated tomatoes. “Oh yeah, I really like them now.”
If we see this from their perspective, our children are often proud to tell us how they have changed. Proof of their independence. That they have done just great without us.
They have even mastered tomatoes.
(Even though we are wishing we had been there to see them eat their first one).
Realize, at their core, there is much we do still know. And they will turn to us. As they need us.
5) Play more music.
I used to always wonder why my Dad always had music on when I came home.
Now I know.
It was to fill up the quiet. Kids leave and suddenly, the house is… dead. Unearthly quiet. We must all feel it.
So fill your home with whatever kind of music you love! And since you took those dance lessons…
Remember. “Musick has Charms to soothe the savage breast”. William Congreve. 1697.
Guess the guy was an empty nester.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
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Originally posted in MidlifeBoulevard.com. Modified.
Thanks, Margaret, so kind. Very thoughtful ideas….taking notes.
I hope that both of you are doing well. You have helped so many others. It would be such a kick to be able to help you! Of course, you are welcome.
I think this is great advice. I do know, however, that times have changed and things are different now– my own parents would’ve looked at us like we we were nuts if we suggested they had to heal from empty nest. They were glad for the transition and so were we. That is less the case now than then. Just good advice.
Oh I think our culture is much more child-centered than it was years ago. So when those activities are gone and either parent hasn’t developed their own life outside of that role, then…. oops. It happens with retirement from work as well. If you don’t plan for it – don’t start getting involved in other things before you actually do retire, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. To me it’s about handling change. It’s grieving, yes. But also change. Thanks Carol. You always make me think.
All wonderful ideas Margaret!
Thanks so much Nancy!
I think this is great advice. I do know, however, that times have changed and things are different now– my own parents would’ve looked at us like we we were nuts if we suggested they had to heal from empty nest. They were glad for the transition and so were we. That is less the case now than then. Just good advice.
All wonderful ideas Margaret!
Thanks so much Nancy!
I’ve been through empty nest and survived, I’m sharing this post with my friends who are currently struggling through it. At the time I went through it I converted my son’s room into a walk in closet dressing room area for my stuff, suddenly I was cured.. 😉
This is just funny. I do wonder how your child managed when he was sleeping with all your shoes… guess he or he managed in another room :). I think your point is a good one. Changing things around – not keeping things “the same”, as if your are stuck in the past or have to memorialize that particular time period, is a good idea. That was a great time hopefully (but certainly not for everyone I might quickly add). Move on! Thanks for both the share and the comment. And enjoy that closet…
I’ve been through empty nest and survived, I’m sharing this post with my friends who are currently struggling through it. At the time I went through it I converted my son’s room into a walk in closet dressing room area for my stuff, suddenly I was cured.. 😉
This is just funny. I do wonder how your child managed when he was sleeping with all your shoes… guess he or he managed in another room :). I think your point is a good one. Changing things around – not keeping things “the same”, as if your are stuck in the past or have to memorialize that particular time period, is a good idea. That was a great time hopefully (but certainly not for everyone I might quickly add). Move on! Thanks for both the share and the comment. And enjoy that closet…
I’ve been strugglikng for the past two years to accept my children moved out and don’t need me around, struggling with not hearing from them for weeks on end, getting the odd facebook hello, Feeling so sad that my time with them has gone forever in the way that it was and struggling with the realisation that they are grown up. Having said that, I gave them the confidence to move out and be independant men, they know that i am there for them if they ever need me and I’m learning and accepting that i now have to get to know these new men that they are. Your comment about the tomatoes struck a chord with me when my son proudly invited me over for dinner (2 years after he moved out this was the first invitation) and it was at that moment I realised he was no longer my teenage son but a grown man with his own life – AND HE LIKES VEGETABLES! Whilst the sadness is easing I’m embracing my new chapter in my life and forever hopeful that my sons will include more often in their lives as they get older.
Thanks for the great post, advice and for helping me realise i’m not alone
Janine
You are so welcome Janine. I just talked with my son last night. It actually was a great talk. But he won’t be home til Thanksgiving. He is planning to take a group of younger kids in his fraternity (he is social chair and of course he will enjoy it too….) to Florida for fall break. So I said toward the end, “So I won’t see you til Thanksgiving?” “ No Mom, You won’t” (like don’t ruin it, we just had a great conversation…). These transitions are hard. Real hard. But our kids have to go define themselves. Thanks so much for commenting by the way. Comments really help me know what people are liking and responding to. Good luck on your journey. We shall do it together.
I’ve been strugglikng for the past two years to accept my children moved out and don’t need me around, struggling with not hearing from them for weeks on end, getting the odd facebook hello, Feeling so sad that my time with them has gone forever in the way that it was and struggling with the realisation that they are grown up. Having said that, I gave them the confidence to move out and be independant men, they know that i am there for them if they ever need me and I’m learning and accepting that i now have to get to know these new men that they are. Your comment about the tomatoes struck a chord with me when my son proudly invited me over for dinner (2 years after he moved out this was the first invitation) and it was at that moment I realised he was no longer my teenage son but a grown man with his own life – AND HE LIKES VEGETABLES! Whilst the sadness is easing I’m embracing my new chapter in my life and forever hopeful that my sons will include more often in their lives as they get older.
Thanks for the great post, advice and for helping me realise i’m not alone
Janine