Five Steps to Challenge Your Shame, Change Your Thinking and Stop Comparing
There’s an old saying — comparison is the thief of joy.
You betcha.
Don’t get me wrong. Competition can be empowering and an opportunity for self-improvement. You or your team either wins or loses; being compared to others is baked into this type of rivalry.
And for those times you lose? Hopefully you handle the disappointment with grace, and either take the loss as motivation to keep trying or move onto something else that better suits you.
Self-comparison is different. It’s often done quite privately, in secret. As time goes on, the very vigilance used to critically compare yourself can become almost addictive, leading you to repeatedly assess where you stand in a race no one else knows you’re running.
Yet what you assume about others is just that – an assumption. If you’re looking at videos or pictures on social media and feeling inferior, remember they’re almost certainly staged and filtered to the point of near absurdity. Or perhaps you’re seeing neighbors laughing as they load their family into the car and you think how they must not have the same problems your family faces. It’s easy to imagine that others are living a more fulfilled and easy life than you while telling yourself a story about others that’s far from the truth
Because what you don’t see is their back story.
A story of the power of assumption…
This next true story could only happen in a small town therapy practice.
I was seeing two moms, both with children in the same elementary school. Let’s call them Jane and Joan. One day, Jane described her shame about how she “put on a show” around others to hide her anxiety.
“When I take my kids to school, I feel like I have to wave and say hi to everyone. I have to be right in the thick of things, but I’m not doing that because I’m truly outgoing. I’m afraid if I don’t that the others won’t like me.
There is a mom I see every day. She quietly walks in and looks like she’s meditated all morning, she’s so calm. The two hold hands and walk to the classroom. Her attention is on her child, not trying to please everyone else. I wish I was like that.
Joan had her own story. She was struggling with anxiety and moderate depression that caused her to isolate herself from others. “When I walk my daughter into school, all I can manage is to cling to her hand, my head down, and get her into her classroom before anyone says anything to me. My heart is racing but I try to hide how nervous I am.
There’s another mom I see every morning. She’s so comfortable in her skin. She obviously knows everyone. I’m sure her kids are always invited to playdates. I wish so much I could just say hello to her but I wouldn’t fit in. So I get out of there as quickly as possible.”
I kid you not. I couldn’t tell them they were talking about each other. But I knew.
What you assume about others can be mind-boggling. You see them living the life you wish you had, and put yourself down because you don’t have those traits or they don’t come easily. Any idea that the person you’ve put on a pedestal has their own set of struggles might never occur to you.
So much in our world pulls for comparison. Your work may urge you incessantly to perform at the top of your game. Constantly upbeat Instagram stories lead you to believe that others’ lives are busy and productive. Even people who post what’s “real” are funny about it – and when do they have time to do that anyway? You haven’t even touched the laundry in a week. Or two..
So how can you avoid this mess?
Five ideas to avoid the anxiety of self-comparison…
1) Someone admires you. Believe it or not, there is someone, today, that’s looking at you and seeing things in you that are worthy and that they wish they had. You may never be aware of them, but they almost certainly exist. So while you might want to adopt traits or habits you see in others, remember that you’re being admired as well.
2) Emulate and be inspired. Recognizing someone else’s strengths is an opportunity to learn and be inspired. Skip the shame. Be proud of yourself for continuing to improve.
3) Compare don’t covet. There is nothing inherently wrong with looking at a friend’s car or hair or physique and recognizing that you feel some jealousy. However, that’s different that coveting. Coveting is wanting what someone else has to an unhealthy degree – and it can become a destructive force in your life.
4) Realize that you may not have a clue how others see you. You may believe that your insecurities “show,” but others probably don’t have a clue that they exist. Many of us are terribly self-conscious. Just think how many times you’ve laughed with a now good friend, “When I first met you, I thought you were….”.
5) Admit your vulnerabilities – things you’d like to improve on. If you state openly that you’re vulnerable in an area, then your own tendency to dislike that trait in yourself will diminish. So you’re shy, hesitate to take risks, talk a lot, avoid conflict, worry too much, or struggle to make goals? So what? If you accept it and want to change, then it’s more possible if you can talk about it.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
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This post was originally published on January 24, 2015; updated and republished on February 25, 2023.
Thank you for this. Too many reasons to list, but I needed every word.
I am delighted Andee. Take them and run! I so appreciate you letting me know.
Thank you for this. Too many reasons to list, but I needed every word.
This is such a helpful post Margaret. Your true example really says it all.
Thank you for sharing these stories. For many years, I compared myself to others. ‘She’s prettier, taller, has a nicer smile, probably makes more money. Look at all those gorgeous family photos she’s posting on Facebook.’ etc. etc. etc. It’s not that I don’t any more, but it’s to a much lesser degree. I finally got to the point where I just had to say, “I just don’t give a cr_p what other people think.” And? Truth be known, this is why I avoid most women’s business networking groups. They’re supposed to be for support, but most of the time, at least the ones I’ve experienced, turn into nothing but a competition. Who has the most expensive purse, shoes, clients, etc. etc. I just can’t go there any more. AND, I’m perfectly at peace with that.
Your comment about Facebook is so in target. I’ve had people telling me that they have to stop getting on social media for just that reason. Thanks for your comment. Your points make a lot of sense, although sad perhaps to realize.
Thank you Nancy. I remember how I felt when I realized they were talking about each other. A powerful light bulb went off in my mind. I appreciate you commenting.
Such great points thanks for the great examples.
You are so welcome. I learn from my patients every day. It’s a gift of my profession. I very much appreciate you writing Haralee.
My comment disappeared so I apologize if this is a duplicate. I just think you’re the best and I am grateful that your clients have your counsel.
Oh my gosh, thank you Susan. What an extremely kind thing to say. I learn from them so much.
Thank you…. It’s one of the lowest moments I can remember and this is so uplifting to me
I am so glad it helped Dee. I hope that you can find other ways to help yourself through this time. Let me know please if I can help in any way. Thank you for letting me know.
The best quote related to this is “Comparison Is the Thief of Joy” – I truly believe that to be true. It took me years to get that into my noggin. I now know not everything I see tells the whole story…how much time I wasted on comparing myself to others…better late then never!
Such a marvelous and I think true quote Carolann. I had never heard that. Thank you for reading and commenting.
yes it’s outstanding and written by Theodore Roosevelt! Lovely blog and thank you!
Welcome. And thanks again
The other day a woman in a group I meet with told me to “be someone else” what she meant by that was to find someone I truly admired and think about what they would do when my fears erupted. The people in this group need me to help and do not need my fears to show their fuzzy faces. Since i don’t have anyone that fits that, I am creating her. Little by little pieces of my grandmother, mother, daughters, friends, and a couple of cranky aunts will be a part of my mosaic. Which I believe fits in with #2 Thanks Miz Margaret!!
That’s it all right. I love the mosaic idea – come to think of it, I think I have a tapestry of my own going on! Thank you “Queen” for commenting!
That’s it all right. I love the mosaic idea – come to think of it, I think I have a tapestry of my own going on! Thank you “Queen” for commenting!
I love your example of the pumpkin pie. what great advice!
Thank you so much. My poor little pie. But it tastes great! Glad it made sense to you Nora. Thanks for commenting!
I have owned a restaurant for 24 years and have tried many times to reach out and make friends with different customers to no avail.I stopped and just raised my children; Now a empty Nester I have few to no friends.
I wish I had read this years ago….
Thanks
Oh you are so welcome Shelia. I am delighted if it was helpful. Thank you for commenting and letting me know.