25 Comments

  1. Very very good! Dealing with narcissists is so painful and confusing. Your steps for dealing with it are so right. Detachment so important – no arguing with a narcissist that is for sure.

  2. Long before grad school, before I knew what narcissism was, I had a boyfriend who fit the diagnosis perfectly. And I kept trying to follow the weird rules he made. Once I realized what it was doing to me, I got out, but it was hard.

    1. It is so hard Alexandra. I think it’s because of the “fit”. You take responsibility easily. He doesn’t. And it goes on from there. It’s not quite that simple but that’s a big part of it. Thanks so much for commenting.

  3. Thank you. Whoo boy. I was married to one for 43 years and everything you say is so true. He is an angry, insecure, alcoholic, narcissist of the first magnitude, and he had more affairs than even he can count. His own brother (who is a psychiatrist) thinks he’s a sociopath. EVERYTHING was my fault or someone else’s, but mostly my fault – for things I’d done, left undone, or things he just flat-out invented and then got into a rage over something that never happened. After all those years I swear that God spoke for me. I heard myself say, “I’m leaving.” Those words just popped out of my mouth like a toad and I sure didn’t plan to say them, or I would have made plans to leave (like packing up some clothes and other important items like money to live on). And because of the physical abuse, I had to get out immediately. I am certain he would have killed me if I’d stayed long enough to gather up some things. I walked/ran out the door with the clothes I was wearing and that was all I had. No meds, no make up, no change of underwear and no clue where I was going, except at least several hundred miles away from him.where he couldn’t find me. It’s been quite a trip. That was 10 years ago. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s been wonderful. Many people have told me how “brave” I was to do this at age 65. I’m telling you it took more courage to stay there than it did to be on my own and trust that everything would work out. A word of advice to any woman getting out of a bad, dangerous situation. Well, three words == (1) GET OUT NOW. (2) PLAN AHEAD AND AT LEAST HAVE SOME MONEY AND CLEAN UNDERWEAR WITH YOU. (3) AND DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM. All that does is let him know exactly where you are so he can kill you. Our 3 grown children were the ones who told me to avoid the restraining order. They were very afraid he would find me. He is still alive but suffering from dementia. Sometimes he forgets who I am or who I was in his life story. He never forgets to be angry about something though.

    1. Susan obviously you have been through abuse from this man and I thank you for telling your story. I might add that it could be characterized as a different kind of courage to stay – rather than to leave. I am well aware how dangerous it is to get out of these kinds of relationships at times. If the relationship has been violent, it often escalates and the threat is even more great.You were brave to get out at all, especially to leave at the age of 65. It sounds like you are finally living your life with some joy. And a lot of relief. I have coached other women on how to plan to get out – have important documents, money saved etc. As in your case, sometimes someone simply has to get out. And get out quickly. Thank you for writing such a personal story.

    2. Susan obviously you have been through abuse from this man and I thank you for telling your story. I might add that it could be characterized as a different kind of courage to stay – rather than to leave. I am well aware how dangerous it is to get out of these kinds of relationships at times. If the relationship has been violent, it often escalates and the threat is even more great.You were brave to get out at all, especially to leave at the age of 65. It sounds like you are finally living your life with some joy. And a lot of relief. I have coached other women on how to plan to get out – have important documents, money saved etc. As in your case, sometimes someone simply has to get out. And get out quickly. Thank you for writing such a personal story.

  4. Thank you for this article. This describes my ex bf VERBATIM! Literally every word. I have only recently done these 5 steps and it does feel great and freeing. I’ve had to go to great lengths to block communication from him (which was always abusive). I kept thinking that maybe someday, he’d realize how badly he treated me and apologize. But I finally realized that would never happen, and have accepted it. The sad thing is, a have a masters in counseling, so should have seen the signs and escaped the abuse early on. But I’m hoping to turn this painful experience into something positive (the logotherapy approach), and lead some support groups for those recovering from relationships with narcissists. I plan to check out those book recommendations as well. Info like this has helped show me that I wasn’t the crazy one, like he kept saying, and that I’m not alone.

  5. I did not have a name for what the cluster of behaviors described and then some were. Reading this has put into perspective that when I chose to get help and not continue with the charade that I understood and I was wrong whenever my ex-husband “explained and convinced” me that I was wrong. When I chose to not believe it any more, you are right, it turned ugly. I’m in a better place now. Not sorry I am not married to him any longer.

  6. I did not have a name for what the cluster of behaviors described and then some were. Reading this has put into perspective that when I chose to get help and not continue with the charade that I understood and I was wrong whenever my ex-husband “explained and convinced” me that I was wrong. When I chose to not believe it any more, you are right, it turned ugly. I’m in a better place now. Not sorry I am not married to him any longer.

  7. My sister sent me your site. Wow this really hit home. I packed up and left my narcisstic alcholic husband. He thinks he has problem . I am looking forward to reading more from you . I am in alanon now. Thank you

  8. You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information. Here are my Thoughts about Narcissistic abuse. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a journey of self-discovery and healing. It begins with recognizing the manipulation and toxicity that once clouded our lives. Embracing self-compassion and setting healthy boundaries is crucial in reclaiming our sense of self-worth. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals helps in rebuilding trust and fostering personal growth. Visit us!

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