Five Commitments To Yourself If You Love (Or Have Loved) A Narcissist
Narcissism.
That word gets thrown around a good deal these days to describe someone who’s self-absorbed, highly confident, or abrasive. These may be annoying personality traits, but they aren’t the definition of narcissism.
So what is a true narcissist? And what are the troublesome dynamics if you believe someone you love is a narcissist?
(The pronoun “he” is used due to the fact that the majority of people with NPD are men; however, it would be noted that women can also be highly narcissistic.)
A narcissist displays a terribly inflated ego or sense of importance and seems to believe the world should revolve around him; he can be impatient, critical, and lacking in empathy. He blames you for problems despite your repeated attempts to prove otherwise, and can accuse you of maliciously plotting against him. He may frequently threaten to cut you off, and might even follow through at some point. And perhaps the worst — he makes you question your very sanity or logic, tending instead to undermine the way you see or remember things. It’s called “gaslighting” and narcissists do it on a regular basis as a means of control.
When these dynamics are part of someone’s relationships with almost everyone their life touches, it’s termed Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Yet not all all jerks are narcissists…
Just because someone is a selfish jerk doesn’t mean he’s a narcissist.
The confusing thing is that you may not know how he treats others. You simply know how you feel. With a true narcissist, when the light of his approval and love is on you, it’s as if you’re sharing a spotlight on a stage. And you’re ecstatic. But when his need to search out and receive affirmation from others because of his intense, albeit unseen insecurity, you’re abandoned, left totally in the dark – but then told you’re too needy or it’s your fault.
So what could mimic narcissism?
- He could be sociopathic. Sociopaths lack a conscience; they hurt others just because they can — and simply don’t care.
- He could be an addict. An alcohol or addiction could be governing his moods. Addicts often don’t take responsibility for their actions and will blame you instead.
- His abusive behavior could be learned. He may have seen his father treat his mother cruelly or may have been abused himself; he was taught it was okay to demean women and might have a rigid belief in a male-dominated, authoritarian culture.
- He could be depressed. Depression can be converted by many men into agitation and anger. This is especially likely if the onset of poor treatment can be tied to some kind of loss or change in life circumstances.
Please know that abuse is still abuse, no matter what the reason. You can get stuck trying to “understand” and even excuse the abuse. You think you’re being compassionate but in order for the abuse to end, the abuser themselves has to accept they have a problem. That’s not going to happen with true narcissism — and sadly may not with the other issues listed above, either.
So what can you do if you love a narcissist?
1) Don’t get stuck arguing with him about how you are a good person. You want to love him well, but detachment and non-emotional engagement is the only way to effectively communicate with him.
You aren’t going to win any battle with him; he’ll never allow that. The answer is to disengage from the battles that have been raging between the two of you; perhaps a quiet one on your part, but ongoing nonetheless.
2) Confront the demeaning treatment you’ve absorbed and set a boundary for yourself.
Challenge the validity of abusive labels he has called you; not to him directly, but within yourself. You may have internalized far more than you realized. If you’re depressed, seek professional help.
You can learn how to structure your communication with him so if and when he becomes abusive, you can set a boundary that you’re not going to accept his bad behavior. You can decide your own limits of what you’ll be around for — and what you simply will not.
3) Take responsibility for being attracted to the narcissist’s initial charm.
The over-the-top attention you first received somehow swept you up. You didn’t view it as possessiveness and you didn’t see the warning signs that were more than likely there. Maybe that was due to your own shaky sense of worth or maybe because you were tired of being alone.
If you recognize your part of the dynamic, it is more probable you’ll be able to detach from what keeps you stuck.
4) Realize how your strengths are manipulated.
Often a narcissist will seek out partners who pride themselves on taking responsibility, and who are conscientious and will work hard to please. They seek those who love so deeply they will deny how abusive things are. He will manipulate that and use it against you — if you allow it.
5) Decide that you can tolerate that the narcissist will initially blame you.
You have to learn to not accept the blame and calmly step out of his attempts to do so. Furthermore, the narcissist will often do their best to convince others that you’re the one with the problem, and that everything is your fault. There will be no healthy closure.
If you stay or if you go…
Work on these five commitments so that you can begin the process of believing in yourself, valuing who you are and what you stand for. If you stay in the relationship, detaching with logic and reason is the answer — avoiding and simply not participating in long, drawn-out emotional battles.
He may not like it, but with enough practice, he’ll hopefully respond.
If you leave, things will likely also get worse for a while. His rage at being called on the carpet can boil over and become ugly. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into the battles; you won’t convince him of anything. Logic won’t work.
If there are children involved, it’s particularly painful. You’re likely to watch them realize what the narcissistic parent is unwilling, and incapable, of providing. It can be very difficult to watch. It’s highly likely that if you attempt to intervene in their relationship, that will only escalate your past partner’s behavior. The best you can do is to provide steady and consistent support of your child.
It’s hard loving a narcissist. It’s important to remember that he’s miserable underneath his entitlement; but it doesn’t mean you have to be miserable along with him.
If you see yourself in this post, there is an excellent book, “Disarming the Narcissist” which might be helpful to you. For anyone experiencing abuse of any kind, the classic “The Battered Woman Syndrome” is a must read.
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
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Originally published on Sep 9, 2018; updated and republished on August 28, 2022.
Very sad. Education is the only answer. Thank you for providing it.
Very very good! Dealing with narcissists is so painful and confusing. Your steps for dealing with it are so right. Detachment so important – no arguing with a narcissist that is for sure.
Arguments lead nowhere. Just the same old, same old. Thanks Deborah.
Long before grad school, before I knew what narcissism was, I had a boyfriend who fit the diagnosis perfectly. And I kept trying to follow the weird rules he made. Once I realized what it was doing to me, I got out, but it was hard.
It is so hard Alexandra. I think it’s because of the “fit”. You take responsibility easily. He doesn’t. And it goes on from there. It’s not quite that simple but that’s a big part of it. Thanks so much for commenting.
Thank you. Whoo boy. I was married to one for 43 years and everything you say is so true. He is an angry, insecure, alcoholic, narcissist of the first magnitude, and he had more affairs than even he can count. His own brother (who is a psychiatrist) thinks he’s a sociopath. EVERYTHING was my fault or someone else’s, but mostly my fault – for things I’d done, left undone, or things he just flat-out invented and then got into a rage over something that never happened. After all those years I swear that God spoke for me. I heard myself say, “I’m leaving.” Those words just popped out of my mouth like a toad and I sure didn’t plan to say them, or I would have made plans to leave (like packing up some clothes and other important items like money to live on). And because of the physical abuse, I had to get out immediately. I am certain he would have killed me if I’d stayed long enough to gather up some things. I walked/ran out the door with the clothes I was wearing and that was all I had. No meds, no make up, no change of underwear and no clue where I was going, except at least several hundred miles away from him.where he couldn’t find me. It’s been quite a trip. That was 10 years ago. It hasn’t always been easy but it’s been wonderful. Many people have told me how “brave” I was to do this at age 65. I’m telling you it took more courage to stay there than it did to be on my own and trust that everything would work out. A word of advice to any woman getting out of a bad, dangerous situation. Well, three words == (1) GET OUT NOW. (2) PLAN AHEAD AND AT LEAST HAVE SOME MONEY AND CLEAN UNDERWEAR WITH YOU. (3) AND DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM. All that does is let him know exactly where you are so he can kill you. Our 3 grown children were the ones who told me to avoid the restraining order. They were very afraid he would find me. He is still alive but suffering from dementia. Sometimes he forgets who I am or who I was in his life story. He never forgets to be angry about something though.
Susan obviously you have been through abuse from this man and I thank you for telling your story. I might add that it could be characterized as a different kind of courage to stay – rather than to leave. I am well aware how dangerous it is to get out of these kinds of relationships at times. If the relationship has been violent, it often escalates and the threat is even more great.You were brave to get out at all, especially to leave at the age of 65. It sounds like you are finally living your life with some joy. And a lot of relief. I have coached other women on how to plan to get out – have important documents, money saved etc. As in your case, sometimes someone simply has to get out. And get out quickly. Thank you for writing such a personal story.
Susan obviously you have been through abuse from this man and I thank you for telling your story. I might add that it could be characterized as a different kind of courage to stay – rather than to leave. I am well aware how dangerous it is to get out of these kinds of relationships at times. If the relationship has been violent, it often escalates and the threat is even more great.You were brave to get out at all, especially to leave at the age of 65. It sounds like you are finally living your life with some joy. And a lot of relief. I have coached other women on how to plan to get out – have important documents, money saved etc. As in your case, sometimes someone simply has to get out. And get out quickly. Thank you for writing such a personal story.
wow!! sounds like me!!! I’m 57Yrs old
So I hope it helps Lena! Thanks for letting me know.
You are right on here. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Robyn for taking the time to write and let me know.
Thank you Robyn for taking the time to write and let me know.
Thank you for this article. This describes my ex bf VERBATIM! Literally every word. I have only recently done these 5 steps and it does feel great and freeing. I’ve had to go to great lengths to block communication from him (which was always abusive). I kept thinking that maybe someday, he’d realize how badly he treated me and apologize. But I finally realized that would never happen, and have accepted it. The sad thing is, a have a masters in counseling, so should have seen the signs and escaped the abuse early on. But I’m hoping to turn this painful experience into something positive (the logotherapy approach), and lead some support groups for those recovering from relationships with narcissists. I plan to check out those book recommendations as well. Info like this has helped show me that I wasn’t the crazy one, like he kept saying, and that I’m not alone.
You are welcome Maggie and I am delighted it was affirming for you. You might want to go to my Facebook page. There are lots of comments there with several other books mentioned. Good luck!
I did not have a name for what the cluster of behaviors described and then some were. Reading this has put into perspective that when I chose to get help and not continue with the charade that I understood and I was wrong whenever my ex-husband “explained and convinced” me that I was wrong. When I chose to not believe it any more, you are right, it turned ugly. I’m in a better place now. Not sorry I am not married to him any longer.
Sushi it is amazing, isn’t it, that when we can finally group together several behaviors – give them a name – that things become more clear. I am glad you chose not to believe anymore. Good for you!
I did not have a name for what the cluster of behaviors described and then some were. Reading this has put into perspective that when I chose to get help and not continue with the charade that I understood and I was wrong whenever my ex-husband “explained and convinced” me that I was wrong. When I chose to not believe it any more, you are right, it turned ugly. I’m in a better place now. Not sorry I am not married to him any longer.
My sister sent me your site. Wow this really hit home. I packed up and left my narcisstic alcholic husband. He thinks he has problem . I am looking forward to reading more from you . I am in alanon now. Thank you
Good for you Carolyn. This post seemed to have spoken to a lot of people. And welcome to the website! Thank you so much for writing! Hope you subscribe!
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