499 SelfWork: Emotional Martyrdom: It’s Different Than Self-Sacrifice

Emotional martyrdom. What is it? And where does it come from? That’s today’s SelfWork episode.

Recently, I got a comment on the questionnaire blogpost on perfectly hidden depression – from a woman whose every word convinced me that there are too many people in the world who believe it’s their job to keep everyone around them happy.

So today we’re going to look at what’s termed emotional martyrdom. This could be you or someone you’re in a relationship with. It can sound like, “It’s my job to keep everyone happy, whether or not I am happy myself.” Or, “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Or, “I’m not hungry. Y’all go on and eat what’s there and I’ll see what’s left.”

Emotional martyrdom can be insidious, as it often masquerades as altruism but leads to neglecting one’s own needs and happiness.

The listener email involves a woman who was overly enmeshed with her own mom. She felt guilt for leaving in seeing other members of the family becoming enmeshed. But she also realized she might be repeating the same pattern, and asks the question, “Should she overcompensate or work on things slowly?”

 

Emotional martyrdom versus self-sacrifice…

As I said in the intro, I received a comment from a woman responding to the questionnaire on perfectly hidden depression. Her words convinced me that too many people believe it’s their job to keep everyone around them happy. My response comes from concern. Many out there are trying to find inner happiness while sacrificing themselves for others, often without receiving support or even asking for it.

And becoming a martyr in the process.

First, I don’t know how you could possibly do that. You’re not in control of everyone else, so how could it be in your power to make everyone happy?

There’s an old saying, “Ain’t nobody happy if Momma ain’t happy.” I understand that. Women often play a critical role in attending to the emotional dynamics within families. This trend is slowly changing, which I love to see. Raising boys to be emotionally aware men, and empowering girls to know their worth, contrasts sharply with the past expectations of stoicism and submission.

This shift is important for creating healthier relationships, allowing everyone to express emotions openly and equitably.

But back to the comment. She’d taken the questionnaire that’s tied in with PHD (link will be in your show notes)… Here’s what she said…

“I got 23 yes answers (and that’s out of 23 questions..)   I don’t want other people to worry about me. I continue to look happy because that makes those around me happy. A false smile and a mask no one can see behind seems like happiness to those around me. People don’t want to see sadness and misery all the time. It makes them sad. I like to think I’m a very caring person. I will and almost always have put other people ahead of me because I feel like (that’s) the only way I can be happy — when everyone around me is happy and that makes it easier.”

I understand that making others happy can make you happy. I’ve experienced this myself. However, it’s crucial to recognize the balance between self-care and caring for others.

Self-sacrifice…

And that takes me to a place to talk about self-sacrifice. Let’s first define what healthy self-sacrifice is.

Self-sacrifice — putting aside what may be important to you, whether it’s rest, food, or work — is often part of good parenting or caring relationships. The ability to put others before yourself is honorable and reflects integrity. Generosity, kindness, and responsibility are intricately woven into healthy sacrifice. Examples include realizing someone needs to talk and taking your lunch break to listen, or helping a friend move on your day off.

But just like so many traits,, when you go overboard — is when there’s a problem. And I wondered when I read her response – if she were drowning not in healthy self-sacrifice. But in emotional martyrdom. Let’s analyze her response for a second.

First she says:  “I don’t want other people to worry about me.” The logic there seems to be that if you reveal a concern or a struggle, that will create worry — as if it becomes the listener’s job to now make YOU happy. No, it doesn’t. They can love you — a lot — and not take on the responsibility of your happiness or feel as if they need to worry. A heather response is to acknowledge that that feels and sounds rough – and help the person discover what in themselves they could identify to help themselves.

Second, she states, “I continue to look happy because that makes those around me happy.” If others knew she wasn’t truly happy, that facade might shatter, preventing true support from being offered. Always acting happy can shut people out from providing the help you may need.

Here’s another statement. “People don’t want to see sadness and misery all the time.”  No – “all the time” misery is rarely anyone’s cup of tea. But this statement seems to indict ever admitting misery because once expressed, it has immense staying power. That’s not been my experience. In fact, quite the opposite. Talking about misery to someone who wants to help you through it can be a huge release — and you begin to slowly move ahead. In fact, if you don’t share or express sadness to anyone – ever – then you may not be doing your part in building an emotionally intimate relationship… with anyone.

Lastly, her statement, “If I put others ahead of me, then that’s the only way to be happy,” strikes a chord of sadness. The word “only” implies she does not recognize other ways to find joy. It seems she carries pain or struggle that only eases when she focuses on making others happy.

It appears she believes that martyring herself for others, by always prioritizing their needs, will bring her happiness. While making sacrifices for others is a noble act, it becomes problematic when it limits her ability to seek happiness in other ways.

No wonder she was drawn to take my questionnaire on PHD.

PHD and Emotional Martyrdom

But there’s a big difference between needing to appear in tight emotional control – one of the hallmarks of PHD – and emotional martyrdom. “I’ll suffer for others.” Someone who’s perfectionistic in a destructive way – who’s camouflaged behind emotional armor – isn’t playing the victim. They’re trying to avoid anyone catching on out of fear.

The difference here between emotional martyrdom and PHD is that the second person – the PHD person. – usually doesn’t complain or need attention to their sacrifice. They’re more determined to make it all look easy.

Let me offer an example  – It’s the person on the committee who actually does all the work for an upcoming fundraiser (“it needs to get done”). But then doesn’t make it to the actual event because of sickness or exhaustion. It’s the mom who refuses anyone’s help for the Thanksgiving meal, but only eats a bite or two due to “I’m just so drained.”

Emotional martyrdom and resentment…

You may be able to convince yourself – if you struggle with the tendency to emotionally martyr yourself – that you don’t have any resentment toward others – even the very people whose expectations or needs you’ve put in front of your own. The irony here of course is that it’s YOUR NEED to martyr yourself that’s really in charge here… others may recognize it and not like it in you. But have given up trying to change you. Then they may withdraw from you – so as to not have to deal with or give you a chance to “play the martyr” once again.

Then that can be perceived as abandonment. Or less dramatically, as if those withdrawing “never appreciated me for what I did.” Or remind someone of the sacrifices that were made on their behalf.

This was one of the most dramatic cases I’ve seen of this.

I had a client – let’s call her Jane. Jane had gone through IVF to have her first son. She and his father had recently divorced which is why she came to see me. What was very evident to me… Jane definitely talked about her marriage and her motherhood in a way where her constant sacrifices were never appreciated. She’d give lots of instances of this – but it was one particular example that I finally confronted her about – gently but assertively.

Every time Jane’s teenage son would  struggle with something like any normal teenager, or have an issue with her, she’d talk to him about all the shots and procedures she’d had just to give him life… like he owed her for her choices… She didn’t know I’d had IVF so I knew quite a bit about the procedure. I said to her, “Jane, I’m wondering what you might actually be meaning or needing to work through when you bring up your choice to go through IVF. Because your son didn’t even exist when you were making those choices. So he doesn’t owe you for that – he might be grateful to you for going through that. But there’s something else here… ”

Jane had actually felt very alone in her marriage so was pulling her son into that drama as if he could ‘fix’ or offer her what she’d not received from her ex. And there was a lot of anger and deep hurt in Jane that needed to be directed more toward those that had caused her that pain.

Healthy self-sacrifice is a meaningful gift to give those you love. Or something you care about deeply.

Emotional martyrdom is far from that.

In conclusion, emotional martyrdom contrasts sharply with healthy self-sacrifice, which is a meaningful gift to those you love.

Ultimately, understanding and addressing emotional martyrdom is essential for personal growth and emotional well-being.

Recognizing the distinction between these two concepts can lead to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.

By the way… 

Send me a message about what your own mom was like!! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!