494 SelfWork: Masterclass: Befriending Your Inner Critic with Dr. Tara Cousineau

In this episode, Dr. Margaret talks with Dr. Tara Cousineau about perfectionism and “befriending your inner critic.”

My guest today, Dr. Tara Cousineau, is an expert on perfectionism’s treatment. She’s a clinical psychologist, as well as a yogi and mom. And she’s a staff psychologist at Harvard’s Counseling and Mental Health Services. There are certainly a lot of perfectionists there. She’s written a book, which I read cover to cover –The Perfectionist’s Dilemma: Learn the Art of Self-Compassion and Become a Happy Achiever. And it’s wonderful.

 

How she began working with the concept of the inner critic… 

She started running workshops called Overcome Perfectionism through Self-Compassion. And so many graduate students were showing up that she realized more was needed, and that became a workshop entitled Befriending the Inner Critic.

Her book is full of other wonderful concepts, like kindfulness. She’s funny. Eloquent. And sincerely wants to help those struggling with perfectionism to see that their inner critic likely developed as protection. So its intent was good. But now that voice is no longer needed – and can be altered or changed.

Tuning into your inner critic…

I’m going to ask you to do something I may never have asked or suggested that you do!

You may not even be aware of the small orchestra of self-critical messages that are playing in your brain! So, let’s try something. Stop reading and take a few minutes to sit and do nothing. Even this might bring self-criticism or shame to the surface… “Well this is dumb… “. Self-criticism can be so pervasive! But please, especially if you rarely take the time to tune into your thinking, just try it for a couple of minutes.

Sit and be still. Just like you’d ask Alexa to tune into a genre of music, ask yourself to begin noticing the thoughts or “voices” you hear. Think of it like this: You’re in a store, and suddenly, you tune into the fact that there’s background music playing. So… What’s your own background “music” saying to you?

Now notice what you hear. Maybe it’s an old familiar but still painful voice that questions or constantly challenges the idea that you could have a good idea or you might be right about something… or even that you’re a valuable human being.

What purpose might your inner critic serve?

Let’s look at possible roles or functions your own self-criticism might serve for you. For the sake of this discussion, there are three of them.

1. You might use self-criticism or shame to motivate you.

This is when it’s a harsh taskmaster. You almost use it as a whip to make you go faster… run harder… work longer. The problem with this is that you may not be able to stop or even realize that you’re not even in a race, except in your own mind. You’re stuck in comparison or fear, instead of realizing that you have innate motivation that is enough, in and of itself. No whip necessary.

2. You might’ve been taught that criticizing yourself keeps you humble.

This means that you must admit your faults, in fact focus on them, so that you don’t have some kind of false pride. I’ve had clients tell me that their parent(s) would say things like, “Who do you think you are, thinking you can do that (or be that – or dream that.”) To me, this is abusive and even cruel.

3. Your inner critical voice started out as protection but now isn’t helpful.

This is a point Dr. Cousineau makes as well… it’s antiquated. Maybe your inner critic said, “Don’t do that again. You’ll get hurt.” And if you do it anyway, here it comes. “I told you not to do that.”

But this is a different time. And those voices need to develop into what you could use now.

If you’d like to know more, listen to this episode of SelfWork!

By the way… 

Send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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